Wang Tango Fruitcake

I wake up because I have to go to the bathroom...

Groaning, I throw back the covers...

And see a dark spot on my bed.

I don't have my contacts in, and it's dark, but I know it's blood.

I grab my glasses from the bedside table and notice there's something else there...

I put them on....

There's a head with the top neatly sliced at an angle sitting on the table.

Blood all over the floor.

I get out of bed, hop over the blood spot, and turn on the bathroom light

I don't know who the head belongs to.

It's a female with short light brown hair.

I start to freak out and scramble back over the blood, over my bed, to the living room where I left my purse

I grab my cell phone and call my mom.

Mom, I don't know what's going on but there's a severed head on my nightstand with a piece of it sliced off! Ohmygod, what am I supposed to do?!

Wait....mom, I didn't see the body.

I go back into my room, and crawl over the bed to get back to the bathroom...then check the floor at the foot of the bed.

There it is.

Wearing khakis and a green & white striped shirt

OMG mom! The body's on the floor!

As if it heard me screaming franticly, it starts to twitch and lurch towards me...the head's mouth opens and the eyes come to life, staring at me.

I'm hysterical, I run back over the bed and into the other bedroom...

I wake up, completely freaked out.

It's 5:32 am and I have to pee.

A Change of Heart

I've never been a picky eater.

Ever.

There are only a couple of things that I don't enjoy

Like lima beans and okra.

But I'll still eat them.

There has been only one thing that I refuse to eat.

Cottage Cheese.

For very good reason.

First, look at it!

Second, the addition of only a single word to the phrase 'cottage cheese' makes it even more disgusting.

Like thighs.

Or discharge.

Eew!

Ok I'll stop.

I've winced so many times when people order it...with fruit or all alone, BLECH.

So imagine my surprise when I came across a 'Healthy Breakfast' recipe called Avocados with Tomato Cottage Cheese and wanted to try it.

Pi, you don't like cottage cheese...

Well, maybe I never gave it a chance...it's playing with avocados and tomatoes! My favorites!

Off to the grocery store.

I stood in front of the cottage cheese section and just stared...

Small curd, large curd, low-fat, all-fat, no-fat, low sodium...WTF

Too many choices.

I almost bailed.

No, no, you're going to do this!

Fine, um...small curd low-fat!

The curds are what always made it look inedible, so maybe if they're smaller it won't bother me as much...

And guess what?

I fucking loved it.

I loved it so much that after breakfast, I had more of it for a snack later....and then again later.

I consumed the whole 12 oz tub in one day.

And I've been craving it since.

Guess what? (again)

My favorite Mexican cheese (Queso Fresco) is a cousin of cottage cheese...

That's right, keep it in the family.

We got Dirrty

So last night ended up WAY better than expected.

I figured I'd be lazy again...

Then Twinky McStraight Nuts called and my fate was sealed.

A great fucking time!

Through torrential rain and retarded drivers, I made my way up to Ames, home of the alma mater.

We chilled out and drank domestic beer with mexican flare (miller chill)

The boys were engrossed in a chess match.

Nerds.

Then it was shot time (straight up JACK) and off to the bar!

I have to say, I've avoided partying in this little college town for several months, I didn't want to run into the ex...

Well, he's moved away (technically the National Guard moved him away...) and it's once again, a Crazy Pi Party Zone.

We hit Phuel, known for people that look like A&F models and drug deals.

Perfect.

We saddle up to the pool table and get comfy.

Steve and I kicked ass.

Then the drunk hit...

Next thing you know we are dancing all over each other, legs up in the air, humping, grabbing, groping, spanking

Y'know, the usual.

I had a little 'accident' as I was trying to take a picture with a full glass...

And 'all of a sudden' the bar was packed...

And people were staring at us!

We don't give a shit cuz we've been there done that etcetc

All the hoochies are workin their hoochie magic and guys that barely look of age are trying too hard.

Ahhh, the college bar.

We've moved on (well, most of us) to the point where we don't care what other people are saying/thinking at the bar.

So we got showed off our stuff and had a great ole time!

We left around midnight and went back to Twinky's newly purchased pad...

Turned on the telly and what do we find?!

Anime.

DIRTY Anime.

I've never seen boobs so big or more sexually suggestive cartoons!

Shots from behind, up skirts, boobs flying all around, implied cock sucking, and snootch hunting!

yes, that's an eel that had crawled into her suit while she was inner tubing...totally got her off, and now it's slithering away...

Which channel, pray tell, was it on?

Movie Plex.

Good people, good times.

And we're doing it again tomorrow!

I'm Talented

. . . in a retarded sort of way!

Last night, I did absolutely nothing.

(I had intentions of moving stuff out to the garage, but it was RAINING!)

Worked late, went home, made a frozen pizza, turned on the TV

Ate the whole thing and watched all kinds of crap on FOX while cringing from cramps.

Went to bed early since my quarterly menses have arrived.

Whee.

Woke up at 2.30am to PAIN

No, not from the menses.

Aside from the bloating, bitchiness, cramps, backaches, headaches, feminine products, salty food cravings, bleeding from your cooch, and being twice as hungry/sleepy...

My shoulder hurt.

To the point where I couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep.

Yes, I woke up in the middle of the night to find I had somehow injured myself!

Maybe I slept on it funny.

All I know is, it's my right (dominant) shoulder and it flippin hurts.

Believe me, I'm no stranger to pain!

But this...it's unexpected and unpredictable.

I had to blow dry my hair with my left hand.

It was very odd.

Like trying to brush your teeth or masturbate with the opposite hand

Awkward, but ultimately effective.

Thing is, it's not a determinable movement that causes the pain...

I can lift my arm straight up in the air, but the second I try to reach higher, PAIN

I am unable to open doors.

Lifting a bag of garbage was fine.

Lifting my purse off my passenger seat and into my lap was OUCH

It's not the shoulder shoulder, it's the shoulder blade.

WTF.

That's how you know you're getting old. Stuff hurts for no reason or you can't remember what you did to cause it.

Thanks, boss.

Hey, 30 is right around the corner.

Yeah, in 4 and a half years!

I'm talented.

Mobile Burger Barge

...is parked outside my building!

I didn't know there WAS such a thing.

And there's about 10 people out there eating.

It's 89 degrees and humid as fuck outside.

Crazies.

In other news, JMax is moving in with me!

(At least temporarily)

Help with the mortgage!

I had a visitor a couple nights ago, as people were coming and going...

A little froggy!

I looked over and saw this dark spot on my green wall...

Went in for a closer look...

Voila!

a little frog.

How flattering, he thinks it's a tree!

I caught him and released him back into the West Des Moines Wild...

I also have crickets.

Everywhere.

They chill on the door frame and hop into the condo when it opens.

Hours of fun for the kitties!

I got my car back...guess what it was...

The starter!

Those idiots at CarX...

And it needs more work.

Surprise, surprise.

Stuff called CV boots and tie rod end boots and belts and whatnot.

Whee.

I'm getting pooped on.

Moving Day, 2 weeks ago...

7.30 am, I'm frantically packing the last of my shit.

No word from the moving company yet

Finally at 8.30 I miss a phone call.

20 minutes later they try back...

Hi, this is Deb from the moving company, our guys are running a little late, the truck has a flat tire. I'll keep you posted as to when you can expect them.

Great.

So I finish packing and wish I had slept an extra hour.

The guys finally show around 9.30ish

They start loading my shit.

I pack up my refrigerated items and head to the condo.

On the way, my brakes go REALLY soft.

I'd been having this problem for a couple weeks already.

Used a whole bottle of brake fluid.

I expected to have to take it in and get it fixed...

Just not today!

It gets to the point where I can't put it off.

I can barely stop!

It's scary.

So I take the car to a repair place and get my butt over to Enterprise.

Hi, I need a car.

Do you have a reservation?

No.

Ok, when will you need it?

Right now.

Oh....

20 minutes later I pull out of the lot in a brand new shiny red Chevy Cobalt.

I head back to my apartment

Still loading the truck.

And one of them destroyed my bathroom!

2 hours later, we're all packed up and ready to go.

They decide to take a break or something, I couldn't really understand the one guy, a lisp/speech impediment/drug use thing...

We agree to meet at the new place in an hour.

I grabbed some lunch and went to my new home.

They were 15 minutes early


It only took 30 minutes to unload the truck.

And all of a sudden, I'm home.

I head back to the old place to clean a little and dump my keys off, ready to say goodbye to the whole apartment thing.

A couple new brake calipers, a brake system flushing, and a couple hundred dollars later... I begin to get settled into the new place.

And now it all comes back again.

Car is acting funny.

Instead of the usual crank crank crank start, it begins to slow down...cranka cranka cranka staarrttt.

This happened over a couple days.

Two days ago, crankaaaaa.....crankaaaaa......dead.

Fuck.

It's hot. It's humid. It's 5.45pm.

I'm still at the office.

Not sure what to do, I try to jump it.

Nothing.

Ok...accessories come on...no turning over...no clicks...nothing.

WTF

So I go back to the car place and tell them what's up.

They tow it the next day around noon.

I get a call around 2.30...

Hey, uh, we're not really sure what's going on with your car, but we think it might be the security system locking you out. There's no power going to the starter...We don't usually work on that kind of thing and there isn't a helpful amount of information about the security system available so I'd suggest taking it to Another Place or The Dealer.

Great.

Ok.

Call the Other Place and The Dealer.

Other Place can get to it Monday. The Dealer, Wednesday, maayyyybe earlier.

::SIGH::

Ok, I'll try the Other Place.

Now I have to get the car there...it's 0.6 miles from where it's currently parked.

Towing is going to be $55 minimum...

Or I could get a few people together and we can push it in the middle of the night.

Or I could call the dealer and see if they'll give me a loaner...

I borrow the rental car a coworker secured for the next day and went home.

What do I find in my mailbox?

A letter from the apartment complex.

They say I owe them another month's rent for 'improper notice'

For fuck's sake...

So I double check.

The lease says sixty (60) days notice is required before you vacate your apartment.

My lease ended on July 31.

I gave notice on June 2.

31 days in July, plus (30-1)=29 days in June...that's technically 60 days!!

::SIGH::

Yet another thing to dick with this week.

So I call the dealer this morning...

Would I be able to get a loaner while my car is there for service? That usually requires 2 week's notice. Lady, this isn't scheduled maintenance....I talked to your service guys yesterday and they can't get to it until Wednesday anyway...is that enough notice? You'll have to check with the service guys, they don't take calls until after 8 o'clock... Fine. I'll call back.

An hour later, I have the car scheduled for a tow to the dealer and they'll look at it on Monday

If I don't have it back before next Wednesday, I get a loaner.

Great.

Car-less.

Transportation-less.

The Public Transit system in Des Moines sucks if you live out in the 'burbs...

I'm a bum!!

I've always said I'd drive my car until it dies. . .

It's been in the family since it was brand new...15 years ago!!

It has 207+ thousand miles on it.

And a laundry list of things to fix...

But she's my piece of shit and I love her.

What if this is it?!

I don't think it is.

She's not totally dead.

Not yet.

I am a Fuzzy Bunny

The new place is coming along, thanks for asking...

Everyone wants to know how the new place is.

It's almost annoying.

Different co-workers everyday come up and ask..

And I repeat the same damn thing.

So after a long long week of repeating myself, I actually DID something to change my answer

(And no one has asked me today!)

I was motivated enough to unpack the stragglers last night

Books.

Lots of books.

Books from college even.

Text books.

Why in Xenu's name would I keep college text books?!

Calculus and Methods of Statistical Analysis no less...

I can rationalize away the Calculus book, that's easy, it was my favorite subject.

The rest of it...well...

I dunno, call it Nerd Points.

Some people refuse to believe that I'm actually a nerd.

Amazing, right?

Well, those text books on my shelves are PROOF of my Nerdom.

They're my nerdy bragging rights.

Back me up, Stephen Hawking...yeah, I have his book...

Double Nerd Points for that one.

I was almost injured by one of my college degrees.

Those things are dangerous.

Maybe it was mad that I'm not 'making the most of it' er whatever...

I also have books from childhood!

Well, at least one anyway...some silly joke book. Maybe I'll use it for this ole rag.

And then...::GASP:: High School year books.

Ick.

But along with that came an interesting letter (somewhat related to today's title). . . more on that next week!