Wang Tango Fruitcake

I wake up because I have to go to the bathroom...

Groaning, I throw back the covers...

And see a dark spot on my bed.

I don't have my contacts in, and it's dark, but I know it's blood.

I grab my glasses from the bedside table and notice there's something else there...

I put them on....

There's a head with the top neatly sliced at an angle sitting on the table.

Blood all over the floor.

I get out of bed, hop over the blood spot, and turn on the bathroom light

I don't know who the head belongs to.

It's a female with short light brown hair.

I start to freak out and scramble back over the blood, over my bed, to the living room where I left my purse

I grab my cell phone and call my mom.

Mom, I don't know what's going on but there's a severed head on my nightstand with a piece of it sliced off! Ohmygod, what am I supposed to do?!

Wait....mom, I didn't see the body.

I go back into my room, and crawl over the bed to get back to the bathroom...then check the floor at the foot of the bed.

There it is.

Wearing khakis and a green & white striped shirt

OMG mom! The body's on the floor!

As if it heard me screaming franticly, it starts to twitch and lurch towards me...the head's mouth opens and the eyes come to life, staring at me.

I'm hysterical, I run back over the bed and into the other bedroom...

I wake up, completely freaked out.

It's 5:32 am and I have to pee.

A Change of Heart

I've never been a picky eater.

Ever.

There are only a couple of things that I don't enjoy

Like lima beans and okra.

But I'll still eat them.

There has been only one thing that I refuse to eat.

Cottage Cheese.

For very good reason.

First, look at it!

Second, the addition of only a single word to the phrase 'cottage cheese' makes it even more disgusting.

Like thighs.

Or discharge.

Eew!

Ok I'll stop.

I've winced so many times when people order it...with fruit or all alone, BLECH.

So imagine my surprise when I came across a 'Healthy Breakfast' recipe called Avocados with Tomato Cottage Cheese and wanted to try it.

Pi, you don't like cottage cheese...

Well, maybe I never gave it a chance...it's playing with avocados and tomatoes! My favorites!

Off to the grocery store.

I stood in front of the cottage cheese section and just stared...

Small curd, large curd, low-fat, all-fat, no-fat, low sodium...WTF

Too many choices.

I almost bailed.

No, no, you're going to do this!

Fine, um...small curd low-fat!

The curds are what always made it look inedible, so maybe if they're smaller it won't bother me as much...

And guess what?

I fucking loved it.

I loved it so much that after breakfast, I had more of it for a snack later....and then again later.

I consumed the whole 12 oz tub in one day.

And I've been craving it since.

Guess what? (again)

My favorite Mexican cheese (Queso Fresco) is a cousin of cottage cheese...

That's right, keep it in the family.

We got Dirrty

So last night ended up WAY better than expected.

I figured I'd be lazy again...

Then Twinky McStraight Nuts called and my fate was sealed.

A great fucking time!

Through torrential rain and retarded drivers, I made my way up to Ames, home of the alma mater.

We chilled out and drank domestic beer with mexican flare (miller chill)

The boys were engrossed in a chess match.

Nerds.

Then it was shot time (straight up JACK) and off to the bar!

I have to say, I've avoided partying in this little college town for several months, I didn't want to run into the ex...

Well, he's moved away (technically the National Guard moved him away...) and it's once again, a Crazy Pi Party Zone.

We hit Phuel, known for people that look like A&F models and drug deals.

Perfect.

We saddle up to the pool table and get comfy.

Steve and I kicked ass.

Then the drunk hit...

Next thing you know we are dancing all over each other, legs up in the air, humping, grabbing, groping, spanking

Y'know, the usual.

I had a little 'accident' as I was trying to take a picture with a full glass...

And 'all of a sudden' the bar was packed...

And people were staring at us!

We don't give a shit cuz we've been there done that etcetc

All the hoochies are workin their hoochie magic and guys that barely look of age are trying too hard.

Ahhh, the college bar.

We've moved on (well, most of us) to the point where we don't care what other people are saying/thinking at the bar.

So we got showed off our stuff and had a great ole time!

We left around midnight and went back to Twinky's newly purchased pad...

Turned on the telly and what do we find?!

Anime.

DIRTY Anime.

I've never seen boobs so big or more sexually suggestive cartoons!

Shots from behind, up skirts, boobs flying all around, implied cock sucking, and snootch hunting!

yes, that's an eel that had crawled into her suit while she was inner tubing...totally got her off, and now it's slithering away...

Which channel, pray tell, was it on?

Movie Plex.

Good people, good times.

And we're doing it again tomorrow!

I'm Talented

. . . in a retarded sort of way!

Last night, I did absolutely nothing.

(I had intentions of moving stuff out to the garage, but it was RAINING!)

Worked late, went home, made a frozen pizza, turned on the TV

Ate the whole thing and watched all kinds of crap on FOX while cringing from cramps.

Went to bed early since my quarterly menses have arrived.

Whee.

Woke up at 2.30am to PAIN

No, not from the menses.

Aside from the bloating, bitchiness, cramps, backaches, headaches, feminine products, salty food cravings, bleeding from your cooch, and being twice as hungry/sleepy...

My shoulder hurt.

To the point where I couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep.

Yes, I woke up in the middle of the night to find I had somehow injured myself!

Maybe I slept on it funny.

All I know is, it's my right (dominant) shoulder and it flippin hurts.

Believe me, I'm no stranger to pain!

But this...it's unexpected and unpredictable.

I had to blow dry my hair with my left hand.

It was very odd.

Like trying to brush your teeth or masturbate with the opposite hand

Awkward, but ultimately effective.

Thing is, it's not a determinable movement that causes the pain...

I can lift my arm straight up in the air, but the second I try to reach higher, PAIN

I am unable to open doors.

Lifting a bag of garbage was fine.

Lifting my purse off my passenger seat and into my lap was OUCH

It's not the shoulder shoulder, it's the shoulder blade.

WTF.

That's how you know you're getting old. Stuff hurts for no reason or you can't remember what you did to cause it.

Thanks, boss.

Hey, 30 is right around the corner.

Yeah, in 4 and a half years!

I'm talented.

Mobile Burger Barge

...is parked outside my building!

I didn't know there WAS such a thing.

And there's about 10 people out there eating.

It's 89 degrees and humid as fuck outside.

Crazies.

In other news, JMax is moving in with me!

(At least temporarily)

Help with the mortgage!

I had a visitor a couple nights ago, as people were coming and going...

A little froggy!

I looked over and saw this dark spot on my green wall...

Went in for a closer look...

Voila!

a little frog.

How flattering, he thinks it's a tree!

I caught him and released him back into the West Des Moines Wild...

I also have crickets.

Everywhere.

They chill on the door frame and hop into the condo when it opens.

Hours of fun for the kitties!

I got my car back...guess what it was...

The starter!

Those idiots at CarX...

And it needs more work.

Surprise, surprise.

Stuff called CV boots and tie rod end boots and belts and whatnot.

Whee.

I'm getting pooped on.

Moving Day, 2 weeks ago...

7.30 am, I'm frantically packing the last of my shit.

No word from the moving company yet

Finally at 8.30 I miss a phone call.

20 minutes later they try back...

Hi, this is Deb from the moving company, our guys are running a little late, the truck has a flat tire. I'll keep you posted as to when you can expect them.

Great.

So I finish packing and wish I had slept an extra hour.

The guys finally show around 9.30ish

They start loading my shit.

I pack up my refrigerated items and head to the condo.

On the way, my brakes go REALLY soft.

I'd been having this problem for a couple weeks already.

Used a whole bottle of brake fluid.

I expected to have to take it in and get it fixed...

Just not today!

It gets to the point where I can't put it off.

I can barely stop!

It's scary.

So I take the car to a repair place and get my butt over to Enterprise.

Hi, I need a car.

Do you have a reservation?

No.

Ok, when will you need it?

Right now.

Oh....

20 minutes later I pull out of the lot in a brand new shiny red Chevy Cobalt.

I head back to my apartment

Still loading the truck.

And one of them destroyed my bathroom!

2 hours later, we're all packed up and ready to go.

They decide to take a break or something, I couldn't really understand the one guy, a lisp/speech impediment/drug use thing...

We agree to meet at the new place in an hour.

I grabbed some lunch and went to my new home.

They were 15 minutes early


It only took 30 minutes to unload the truck.

And all of a sudden, I'm home.

I head back to the old place to clean a little and dump my keys off, ready to say goodbye to the whole apartment thing.

A couple new brake calipers, a brake system flushing, and a couple hundred dollars later... I begin to get settled into the new place.

And now it all comes back again.

Car is acting funny.

Instead of the usual crank crank crank start, it begins to slow down...cranka cranka cranka staarrttt.

This happened over a couple days.

Two days ago, crankaaaaa.....crankaaaaa......dead.

Fuck.

It's hot. It's humid. It's 5.45pm.

I'm still at the office.

Not sure what to do, I try to jump it.

Nothing.

Ok...accessories come on...no turning over...no clicks...nothing.

WTF

So I go back to the car place and tell them what's up.

They tow it the next day around noon.

I get a call around 2.30...

Hey, uh, we're not really sure what's going on with your car, but we think it might be the security system locking you out. There's no power going to the starter...We don't usually work on that kind of thing and there isn't a helpful amount of information about the security system available so I'd suggest taking it to Another Place or The Dealer.

Great.

Ok.

Call the Other Place and The Dealer.

Other Place can get to it Monday. The Dealer, Wednesday, maayyyybe earlier.

::SIGH::

Ok, I'll try the Other Place.

Now I have to get the car there...it's 0.6 miles from where it's currently parked.

Towing is going to be $55 minimum...

Or I could get a few people together and we can push it in the middle of the night.

Or I could call the dealer and see if they'll give me a loaner...

I borrow the rental car a coworker secured for the next day and went home.

What do I find in my mailbox?

A letter from the apartment complex.

They say I owe them another month's rent for 'improper notice'

For fuck's sake...

So I double check.

The lease says sixty (60) days notice is required before you vacate your apartment.

My lease ended on July 31.

I gave notice on June 2.

31 days in July, plus (30-1)=29 days in June...that's technically 60 days!!

::SIGH::

Yet another thing to dick with this week.

So I call the dealer this morning...

Would I be able to get a loaner while my car is there for service? That usually requires 2 week's notice. Lady, this isn't scheduled maintenance....I talked to your service guys yesterday and they can't get to it until Wednesday anyway...is that enough notice? You'll have to check with the service guys, they don't take calls until after 8 o'clock... Fine. I'll call back.

An hour later, I have the car scheduled for a tow to the dealer and they'll look at it on Monday

If I don't have it back before next Wednesday, I get a loaner.

Great.

Car-less.

Transportation-less.

The Public Transit system in Des Moines sucks if you live out in the 'burbs...

I'm a bum!!

I've always said I'd drive my car until it dies. . .

It's been in the family since it was brand new...15 years ago!!

It has 207+ thousand miles on it.

And a laundry list of things to fix...

But she's my piece of shit and I love her.

What if this is it?!

I don't think it is.

She's not totally dead.

Not yet.

I am a Fuzzy Bunny

The new place is coming along, thanks for asking...

Everyone wants to know how the new place is.

It's almost annoying.

Different co-workers everyday come up and ask..

And I repeat the same damn thing.

So after a long long week of repeating myself, I actually DID something to change my answer

(And no one has asked me today!)

I was motivated enough to unpack the stragglers last night

Books.

Lots of books.

Books from college even.

Text books.

Why in Xenu's name would I keep college text books?!

Calculus and Methods of Statistical Analysis no less...

I can rationalize away the Calculus book, that's easy, it was my favorite subject.

The rest of it...well...

I dunno, call it Nerd Points.

Some people refuse to believe that I'm actually a nerd.

Amazing, right?

Well, those text books on my shelves are PROOF of my Nerdom.

They're my nerdy bragging rights.

Back me up, Stephen Hawking...yeah, I have his book...

Double Nerd Points for that one.

I was almost injured by one of my college degrees.

Those things are dangerous.

Maybe it was mad that I'm not 'making the most of it' er whatever...

I also have books from childhood!

Well, at least one anyway...some silly joke book. Maybe I'll use it for this ole rag.

And then...::GASP:: High School year books.

Ick.

But along with that came an interesting letter (somewhat related to today's title). . . more on that next week!

Some rearrangin goin on roun' here...

Hello monkeys!

I finally upgraded my template.

Which kinda messed things up.

But I was quick to waste time at work to fix it.

And then I tweaked a few things.

Ummm yeah, the poll, not sure if I'm diggin it just yet.

You fuckers need to vote.

I'm exhausted from moving/unpacking/organizing/cleaning/partying during my 5 days off from work.

There will be pics of the place with furni and whatnot in it...

Eventually.

that's a completely random pic from a happy hour turned 1am from 2 weeks ago...it's funny and creepy and happy all at the same time!

Thing is....

I have FOREVER to get settled into the new place.

FOREVER.

Cuz it's mine.

I think that whole mortgage thing is sinking in now...

I should at least finish painting. . . soon. . . ish

Something about the new layout is bugging me.

Is it bugging you?

crap. WHAT IS IT.... help me out. praise jesus, pass the ammo, move along, nothing to see here...

completely random pic

Of my Ugly Ass Cat reaching for a piece of kettle corn:



Frickin' Adorable.

We move Wednesday.

I've only started packing...barely!

I also took Wed-Fri off of work to try and regain my sanity...so you might not hear from me for awhile....

But when you do....more pics!!

More Condo Crap

I know you're just DYING to see the latest pics from the condo remodel...

Last weekend dad grouted the entry, kitchen, full bath, and started/finished the master bath

Here's a before and after shot, not quite the same angle, but you get the idea...



Then there's the kitchen...this is the only decent shot I have of 'before'



And after:



Now I need to find an island for it...and finish sanding down that wall...it's gonna make a big mess

I'll be covered in white dust!

The orange I picked...well I didn't pick

I totally cheated.

It's called Desert Vista and it was the same color of my last kitchen before I moved!

I loved it that much.

I have the accent wall painted in my bedroom...

It's some sort of plum.

3 Coats.

Eesh.

3 more walls to go in there in an uber light 'so light i can hardly tell it's pink' pink

And the entire living/dining room (in another orange that I picked, but didn't)

I killed a WHOLE ROLL OF BLUE TAPE on it last night.

I'm anal like that.

Now I need more.

ATTENTION if you're going to buy IKEA faucets, this is a warning!

They are not compatible with American plumbing.

You have to finagle them.

And it'll cost you.

I'm STILL searching for the missing link between the water line and the faucet.

Damnit.

Home Depot actually let me down yesterday.

Jerks.

Wll, the place is shaping up...now all I have to do is finish painting and then pack and then move next wednesday!!!!

Holy crap, less than a week...

Walmart Parking Lot Exposed

I was dicking around on Flickr yesterday and came across this group

Walmart Parking Lot Exposed

What the hell...

My first thought is that people are lurking around Walmart parking lots taking pictures of all the freaks that shop there...

So I click on it.

It's a Members Only kinda group.

Hmmmm

So I look at the message board instead, still curious...

'ladies does red hat or red scarf mean anything at all' is a topic...

Hey ladies
Have any of you heard anything about guys looking for nsa sex in walmarts.That are suppose to wear eather a red hat or red scarf in their pocket to let ladies in the store know they are wanting to play. There is a yahoo group saying its nation wide but I never got the memo.lmao

WTF

Wait a minute.

People are randomly hooking up in or around their local Walmarts and getting pictures of it?!

This group was created specifically for that purpose?!

That is seriously fucked up.

And WAY wilder than what I had expected!

How juicy.

The description:

We all know Wal-Mart is rapidly becoming a place for adventurous/sexy adults to not only pick up a few things on the way home from work, but a place to meet for a quick encounter with other consenting adults. So here a yahoo group so you have a place to help you make those hot sexual encounters much more fun With our photo section to post those sexy pictures , member postings this club should make that hot hook up easy. so if you shop at a 24 hr walmart come join us and share your stories if you hook up and able to get a picture please share it (your welcome to block your face for security reason)..if you like to do dares in public places well here your chance dont forget to get that walmart sign in the background... this club is for you 2 am shoppers to expose your products

Wow.

Can you imagine the caliber of people hooking up at Walmarts across the nation?

It'd be like watching Cousin It go at it with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...

Imagine the offspring!!

What is this world coming to...

Home Improvement Junkie

I'm tired and sore, but it looks awesome.

More work to do this week!

And more this weekend...

I officially have no life outside of home improvement!

Here is the entryway before I did anything to it

Then I ripped off the woodwork and the vinyl floor and scrubbed the hell out of it.

Whee. that was fun.

Then my dad, being the handy mexican that he is, came for a visit last weekend and busted his ass

We installed some slate floors

REAL slate.

As in HEAVY

my shrimpy little arms are sore.

I also painted a little.

A bum job, I might add, since I did it AT NIGHT with bad lighting.

Good job, Pi!

Another lesson learned.

The green is called Asparagus and every loves it!

It really brings out the colors in the floor too...

Then one Tuesday or Wednesday evening JMax and Phino and I pulled out the uggo vinyl in the kitchen and scrubbed the floor

Thanks, guys, you rock!

Dad also got to rip out a half wall and a cabinet that had a breakfast bar on top of it (you can see the outline on the floor in front of the refrigerator)

I didn't like how it blocked off the kitchen

I'm not sure if I was allowed to do that either, but it wasn't supporting anything, except ugliness

I decided to do slate in the kitchen also after looking at tons of ceramic and porcelain and not really liking anything...

So back to Lowe's for the 8th time...

I'm not sure if it's the lighting or the color of the walls, or if it really IS but the kitchen floor seems more orange/red/pinkish than the entryway

Which leaves me with....

Now what color for the kitchen?!

Copper might work...a blue maybe?

Green would, but I already HAVE a green.

Grrr...

Yesterday JMax and I got to Man it Up by removing the 3/4 bathroom cabinet and sink

A mess was made

Lots of noise too

Some blood was shed (!)

And a celebratory cigarette smoked.

More pictures of the full bath and 3/4 bath soon!

The Remodel just became REAL

The last couple weeks of new home-ownership have been hectic

Nothing compared to the next couple...

All this time I've been ripping up vinyl floors and scrubbing the stupid adhesive off the concrete

And I removed a toilet.

All by myself.

Hott, I know.

After much talk of I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that...

I'm actually going to DO it

The remodeling of my new condo hasn't felt real to me

Removing the baseboards and the flooring and making a huge mess has had me thinking God I must be Crazy

This is my new home and all I've done is tear it apart!

Well, yesterday things became a bit more real.

Shit's actually going to happen.

I wanted slate floors.

I bought slate yesterday.

Lots of it.

I had a friendly flooring guy named Brent help me out.

He's gung-ho about flooring.

Especially slate.

He even has pictures on his cell phone of flooring jobs he's done.

(Really gung-ho.)

Then he became my slave.

So what-all am I going to need to do this job?

He showed me mortar and talked about color variations, grout etcetc

Then ran off and grabbed a nice flat bed cart.

And loaded 5 boxes of square foot tiles (each had 10 tiles) onto it

Then 24 boxes of smaller tile

And a big heavy bag of mortar

And pushed it, with all his might, to the check out line

He's a marathon runner and liked the exercise.

I pulled up my dinky little car and he loaded all the tile into it, making sure to balance between the trunk, back seat, and front seat...

Her ass was totally dragging.

Thanks, Brent!

It would have been nice if I could have borrowed him to haul it into the condo, but hey, they can only do so much, right?

My shrimpy little arms are hurting today from all that heavy lifting!

It's real. It's going to happen.

Tomorrow!

The Art of Meeting Myspacers

I have this rule about Myspace friends.

I actually have to have met them.

Crazy, right?

So I decided to meet a couple yesterday and make them buy me drinks.

Cuz I'm NICE.

The first one, Mat, like you step on, met me after work at my usual happy hour destination

I was there first and started chatting with some regulars.

He shows up in his riding gear.

He has a crotch rocket.

Not impressed.

And he's a little shrimpy and awkward.

And a little wrongfully full of himself.

Conversation was difficult and I was not getting a good vibe from the whole thing.

I was tired and yawning and thinking about the shit I wanted to be doing instead...

It was painful.

At least the drink was good.

So we parted ways.

Resigned to going home, having dinner, and then heading over to my condo to do more scrubbing of adhesive off of concrete (whee!)

So I make some dinner - meatless cuz I forgot to pull it out of the freezer!

Then my phone started ringing

When the hell did I become so popular?!

Another Myspacer, Eric, called and wanted to meet up for a drink in about an hour.

Having already tasted the sweet disablement that comes with alcohol I decided what the hell, it couldn't be any worse than the last one...

And we'd already had a very decent conversation on the phone a few days ago

I arrive, walked to the bar, and look around for him.

Again, I'm the first one there.

I pick a seat and cozy up

People start to stare.

What is so strange about me walking into a bar and sitting down by myself?!

Maybe because people are under the impression that I couldn't possibly be alone.

God forbid.

I have guys come up to me at the club and ask, So, girl, where's your boyfriend?

God Damnit.

He arrives and is dorkier than I expected.

Then I remember our conversation and am not surprised.

Conversation was much better and came pretty naturally.

I received a text in the first I dunno 30 minutes of the encounter.

It was Mat, like you step on.

Thx for joining me for a mojito. We can do it again anytime :) -Mat

::Choke::

Are you serious?!

I guess he didn't get the weird vibe like I did.

I tried to make it sorta obvious that I wasn't enthralled by meeting him

Whatever.

So this was Eric's 'first time' meeting someone from MySpace and, I suspect, the internet in general

Which cracks my shit up since I've been meeting people from the internet since I was about 12.

Amazing I'm still alive with all those Internet Predators out there....

Hell, I flew to Vancouver to hang out with bloggers!!

He was amazed by this.

I even recounted my painful experience from earlier in the day.

And now I have a new friend!

I don't think it's an odd thing to do...

I'm not sure if society frowns upon that sort of thing, but then again, I don't care either.

I dunno, what's your take on it?

Is it strange to meet someone in person that you 'met' on Myspace, or the internet in general?

bahahaha!

I rock.

Lunch-Time Mishap

Just when I thought it was going to be another BLAH day here at work, I decide to go to the restroom.

I round a corner and see the back of our CIO, dressed in his biking spandex.

Great, now I'm going to have walk by him and make a conscious effort NOT to check out his crotch.

You know you do it when you see people in spandex!

So I keep going and turn to say hi to him and notice something out of the ordinary.

BLOOD.

OMG are you okay?! Do want drugs or anything?

(hah nice, pi)

The left side of his body was roughed up.

He must've biffed it over lunch.

Just above his left eye he was cut and bleeding all over his face, his upper arm, and knee were all bleeding.

And he's standing there in biking shoes and spandex.

Gross.

So what happened?!

I was going too fast on the trails, they're covered in sand from all the rain we had and it was slippery.

See.

Exercise is dangerous.

That's why I don't do it.

He insisted on driving himself to the clinic to get checked out and stitched up.

I return from the bathroom to find he's left and there's a gaggle of coworkers standing around talking about how gross he looked.

Does anyone know what happened?

No, I didn't want to ask...

Dorks.

So I filled them in.

Whoo! Excitement at the office!

Thrill of The Hunt

So there's that saying 'The thrill of the chase'

Lots of chicks like being pursued, chased.

Well, I enjoy the hunt.

I'm very rarely 'chased'

Well, I am.

Just not by people I WANT chasing me!

So I have to go out and do the hunting.

A game I haven't been participating in lately cuz I been feeling lazy

Back in the day it was easy.

Well, it still is.

Men are whores.

But the problem is, IT'S TOO EASY.

Geez, can't you put up a fight.

Make me wait for it...play some hard to get

But what if I do that all wrong or for too long and you lose interest?

Then you fucked it up!

Actually, that's a valid concern.

If you're going to challenge her, then make sure you drop a line every now and then...

To let her know you're still down with her shit...

ALSO - don't get pissed if you see/hear about her making out with other dudes!

You didn't claim her.

You haven't 'staked the territory' as it was...

Signed a 'we're exclusive' agreement...

So chill the fuck out.

Whoo, it's the dating game.

Sure, try and tell yourself it isn't A GAME

But if you aren't out there looking for 'the one' and are just out for fun...

Then it's totally a game.

Horny?

Hungry?

Food Porn Rocks.