Birthday Outing

Last Friday, one of my best friends, Naked Hummus, turned 27.

We had to celebrate.

Meaning we had to get DRUNK.

We had a goal: Get him as drunk as Pi was on her 23rd. (don't ask)

The Players at the Beginning of The Night:

Big Dan

A long time friend of the Naked Hummus, he drove down from Marshalltown to join us.

In college, Big Dan was a drinking Champion.



Big O

He is bound to Naked Hummus by a mutual hatred of the Sammich Shoppe

We didn't know the Big O in college . . .

He used to be smart and even went to Cambridge for a year.


The Pi

A Sammich Shoppe Co-worker of all involved

Good Friend and Authority of All That is Female in the group

Usually the first to Wasted.



And, The Birthday Boy

'Always keep a spare set of shorts and jeans in your truck'

He learned that one the hard way!

I caught him mid-yawn on this one.


Let's rumble.

The night began at Buzzard Billy's. A Cajun Joint.

Big Dan: We'll all be lucky to make it out of the bar without shitting our pants!

Maybe he's right. Whatever.

As per the usual, conversation turned to making fun of our buddy Schteven.

Schteven is lost in the folds of The Flesh Pyramid that is his girlfriend. (rumor has it fiancee)

We haven't seen Schteven much since The Goat Incident.

The boys were hanging, giving him a hard time...when Naked Hummus busted out the insult...

Damn Steve, she looks like a Goat. Take that bitch back to the zoo!

And a laugh was had by all.

Schteven, in all his skinny/squirrelly man wisdom, went home and told her all about it.

Everything. Even the goat comment.

After much yelling they made up.

The next day, they went to the zoo!

I digress . . .

Other disgusting tales from college surfaced as Big Dan and Naked Hummus were roommates in Towers.

A double mini-fridge stack. A 5 gallon bucket of ice cream forgotten...

Did you know that ice cream ferments if you let it sit? Not to mention smells like shit.

After discovering the spoiled, separated, and fermented 5 quart bucket of ice cream, they did what any disgusted college student would do.

They tossed it.

Out the window.

It splattered all over the sidewalk and a few dozen bikes. It just so happened to be an orientation day er something, so people were being marched through it all day!

Nice.

The night continued at The Hessen Haus.

There was a blues band playing.

Free flowing German beer.

And then we started taking pictures. . .

And blogger is being a BIG FAT BITCH right now, so I'll complete this later/tomorrow...

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

No, not the movie, the sounds they make.

Night noises.

The Sound of Home.

Growing up I had to listen to plenty of noise.

We lived within a mile of a hospital.

Directly under an O'Hare flight path.

One block off a busy street.

When we moved to the suburbs, I couldn't sleep at first...

Then I heard a firetruck. Sweet, the station is right down the street.

And there's a busy street behind the house.

A little difficult, but I got used to it pretty quickly.

Then I moved to Iowa.

. . .

I had to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol to make sleep come easily.

Then I started dating a small town iowa boy.

We went to his parents' house.

. . . cricket . . . cricket . . . . . . SILENCE . . . horribleawfulomgsavemesilence

Everything was still.

It was fucking creepy.

I could not sleep.

I would have preferred a freight train coming to a screeching halt at 3am 200 yards away.

It was too quiet, the silence was uncomfortable.

I don't want CLARITY.

I need CHAOS outside my window!

Maybe I'll invest in a 'Soothing Sounds of Rush Hour Traffic' CD.

City girl to the end I guess.

She's Different

So I went bowling last night. Someone told me they had an open spot on a league team for me.

They didn't.

So I chatted up the owner.

After about 20 minutes they found a team that needed a sub...

They said it wouldn't cost me anything...

Hell yeah.

So I bowled with 4 older ladies...one a thin smoker like my gramma, another with the face of a dog, and two heavy sisters.

They were nice people. At first I wasn't sure what to expect.

They like to drink beer.

They smoke Virginia Slims.

They make dirty jokes.

We played poker the whole night, make a mark and draw a card.

I got an earful of a life story from the one lady. Interesting.

OwnerMan said I should check out the Thursday night league, lots of younger single people in that one.

Sure, why not . . . I'm in a new town and a little short on friends, couldn't hurt.

So I went back tonight and scoped it out.

I left with paperwork to be a Cocktail Waitress 2 nights a week.

I've never been a waitress. But I'm pretty sure I can strut around a bowling alley and carry bottles and pitchers of beer.

They pay minimum wage and I get to keep all my tips.

(I get to wear whatever I want, any suggestions?)

Tuesday night is a Full House. 36 lanes of 4-5 people. . .

And bowlers like to drink.

I may have hit a jackpot.

And I get to join a New Family. (awww)

After I got home and pulled into my spot in the garage I decided, on a whim, to clean out the car.

So I left the music blasting, doors open....drag a trash can over...

I'm pitching stuff left n right, really getting into it...

Bustin' a move to some Jamiroquai

On my hands and knees in the back seat...Booty shaking out the back door...

I come up with some stuff to toss, and there's an older guy a few cars down staring at me...

(awkward moment)

Um....Hi!

He just kinda shook his head and walked off.

I knew I shoulda been embarassed...but I just giggled instead.

Whatever. If old men don't like watching me shake my ass while cleaning my car, they can fuck off!

(now that i'm bowling again i might have to re-hash this post . . .)

Sshhhh, I'm 'Working'

There are men repaving the parking lot.

I'm fascinated.

Obviously the work I am sorta doing isn't exactly challenging, nor is it interesting.

So I stare out the window.

Damnit.

They aren't even HAWT Asphalt workers.

They're mostly Mexicans. (go figure)

I'm not sure about the newspapers everywhere else, but the Des Moines Register has been reporting a whole lot of STEAMY CRAP this week.

The front page story is some shit about some guy that is bi-polar and how his neighbors 'live in fear' and the cops have been called to the neighborhood so many times in so many years.

He even has his picture on it.

A huge one.

And then it eats up all of page 6.

So fucking what.

There's a nutball living not too far from me and people are making a stink about it.

They already banned the child molesters.

I guess the Bi-polars are next.

In other noteworthy news Justin Timberlake has many faces.

This shit story on the front page of the Entertainment & Life section.

Stories like these are eating away what could-have-been-precious-moments of newspaper reading.

God forbid they report something RELEVANT.

The Cheese Continues...

I give you The Wall of Appreciation.

You're Welcome.

This team-building pile of steaming CRAP has invaded a much beloved blank wall in the Break Room.

On Friday we all get to take down the slips with our names on them - so we have constant reminders of all the great ways our co-workers appreciate us.

I fear I'll have less than 3.(jerks)

We also got to sit and listen to a 'motivational speaker' for an hour and a half.

Gotta say, I'm not really inspired.

The whole Five Fun Days continues, with mixed reviews.

Today is Hawaiian Day.

So if you have a Hawaiian Shirt, feel free to wear it.

There was a lei on my chair when I arrived.

We had Hawaiian Pizza for lunch.

There's a LIMBO CONTEST at 2:30.

Oh boy, I sure do feel appreciated.

That movie, Office Space . . . I'm totally living it.

And apparently my Office Space Character is

I would LOVE to gut a fish in my cubicle!

Wanna take this stupid quiz? Go ahead.

I've been booted from 25peeps. I think I made it 5 days. I was doing so well and then POOF! gone.

Five Fun Days

It was so aptly titled 'Employee Appreciation Week' but since it's a thing one company did and not the other and now we're almost one company the name just HAD to be changed to be fair. (such is compromise when there's a merger)

AHEM, 'Five Fun Days'?

GHEYY.

A week when cheesey slogans like 'Go the extra Smile' are used so frequently I could BARF.

A week where we get to dress down and ridiculously and the Management gets to do EVERYTHING for us.

No help.

Not even looking up phone #s or ordering food.

I didn't think they'd be able to pull it off.

But so far, so good.

Yesterday was PJs and Pancakes

My trip to GoodWill provided me with the perfect PJs.

Since Pi doesn't sleep in office-appropriate attire, she decided to go out and get some!

They said PJs, but not WHOSE PJs.

I arrived and quickly changed into a One-Size-Fits-All nightshirt with a large flower extending from my left shoulder down the side.

With glitter and puffy paint. (yeah i'm 'that chick' at the office)

And over it, a FUCHSIA Granny Robe.

It snapped from neck to ankle. And had strings at the neck to tie a pretty bow.

Extra padding with flowers at the shoulders and blue-to-match-the-nightshirt piping.

Awesome. (pics later-pics NOW!)

And some slippers.

That thing was fucking HOT. hell it was fleece!

People couldn't stop laughing when I walked in the room.

It was heaven. (the food, not being laughed at)

Bacon.

Sausage.

Fruit Salad.

Pancakes and Waffles cooked by the Management on griddles in the break room. (which made them taste even BETTER)

Everyone in PJs.

It's never been so easy to get to work early!

After that I spent the day in my Jack Daniel's Jammy Pants and a tank top.
Really Hard to work in pajamas.

'We Will Never Forget'

Someday, in a million years, I will have children.

And at some point they're going to ask me about this day.

What were you doing, mommy? Where were you?

I've asked similar questions of my mother, about the moon landing and the JFK assassination, even the fall of The Wall.

I was really young during the Persian Gulf and Desert Storm. All I remember is night vision flashes on TV and yellow ribbons tied around trees.

But not this time.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa

I had an 8am class. The only 8am class I ever had in college. Finance 361, Risk Management & Insurance.

8:46am, 7:46 CDT, I was having breakfast in the dining hall when the first plane hit.

9:03am, 8:03 CDT, I was walking to class, already running late when the second plane hit.

9:43am, 8:43 CDT, American Airlines Flight 77 crashes into the Pentagon
10:05am, 9:05 CDT the South Tower collapses.
10:10am, 9:10 CDT United Flight 93 crashes in Pennsylvania, and part of the Pentagon collapses.

I had class until 9:15. I still have the notes from that day.

10:28 am, 9:28 CDT, I went to a computer lab to check email and maybe play some Yahoo! Pool . . . maybe homework, but those details escape me...

10am CDT, I had a math class. Linear Algebra I think.

11am CDT, I arrive at my Accounting 284 class. It's in a large lecture hall with a balcony.

The teacher is frantic. She's crying. I had no idea what was going on, neither did everyone else.

For those of you that haven't heard, there's been an attack on New York.

She went on to tell us that her mother lives there.

But she's ok, I talked to her. She said she saw the whole thing. Go home, all of you. We'll worry about homework and class work later.

It was surreal.

I left in a daze, could this really be happening?

I don't remember walking back to my dorm.

Big O told me that campus was quiet that morning.

When I got back to Friley, everyone had their TVs on, their doors open.

Wide-eyed stares, people crying. I heard my roommate on the phone with her parents.

It made me feel helpless and disconnected.

I was in my own little world of Iowa State, I didn't read 'real' newspapers very often, even though they were free and all over the place. I had no idea what was going on in the outside world.

The whole thing didn't seem real until I actually went to New York City in July 2004. When you see the skyline in person and how there's a hole where the Towers used to be. This is where it actually happened, it wasn't just something I saw on TV.

I didn't personally know anyone that was there, but it sill makes a lump rise in my throat and my eyes tear up when I think about it.

We all lost some innocence that day and it should never be forgotten.

What will you tell your children?

Piecing It All Together

I don't remember the last time I got up at 2:15 pm.

This is what I know:

My feet are telling me I walked too far in heels last night.

My stomach says that McDonald's at 5am is still a bad idea.

My tongue tells me I was drinking beer and tequila.

My throat says I smoked too much.

My eyes are screaming, 'you stupid bitch you didn't take out your contacts!'

My head is telling me that I'll be eating ibuprofen like candy today.

My wallet says I spent $24.

My cell phone says I drunk dialed 2 people. I only remember one!

And drunk texted 2.

My camera tells me who I drank with. . .

The fact that I woke up in my bed means I drove home really late. (idiot)

The trail of destruction in my apartment means I forgot to turn the lights on again.

I think it was a good night!

Welcome Home!

Everything was going just fine today...

Then I came home.

Working at the Sammich Shoppe was cake, a dash of bowling, and then a nice stint at GoodWill to find something ridiculous to wear to work Monday (I'll get to that later...)

Hit the food shack, and on my way home, I see an emergency vehicle behind me, like WAAYYY behind me.

shrug. no worries.

Next thing I know that thing, which happened to be a fire chief vehicle, zipped by and did what?

Turned down my street.

There are plenty of apartment buildings on that street...

Get closer to the complex...not only is the chief's SUV there, but also an ambulance and a couple of fire trucks.

Fucking great.

Thought process: I don't see any smoke. I hope the cats are ok. Hope I can get into my apartment. I don't want my food to spoil...

(opens the door, pulls into the underground garage. )

People could be BURNING ALIVE and I'm worried about my milk turning and lettuce wilting!!

Priorities, people, PRIORITIES.

Obviously the elevator wasn't working, so I had to haul my shit up the stairs...the fire alarm was blaring.

How annoying.

The old people were meddling.

What a surprise.

It smelled like someone burned a whole case of popcorn.

Gross.

The firemen come out of a hallway that isn't mine.

Oh, ok.

The staff is trying to herd the oldies into a different part of the building.

But our sitting area is over HERE.

Ma'am we're going to have to ventilate this hallway, that means lots of large, noisy fans.

I went to get my mail...

Firemen are FUCKING HUGE up close and in their suits...

That's HOTT. (extra 't' hawt)

I squeezed by like it was no big deal to have 30 people standing around in a stinky haze surrounded by firemen in full gear.

I'm pretty sure they gawked at me like I was crazy.

No, not crazy, just PMSing.

I couldn't care less...at least now I get to think about Hott Firemen.

Pork makes it alllll better

Last night I became aware of A Little Slice of Heaven that exists in that wonderful town of Madison, Wisconsin.

All whilst enjoying some free Warsteiner, german food, and seeing my boss in Lederhosen.(It was a fantastic opportunity to take some embarassing pictures.)

That Slice o'Heaven is called:

Bacon & Beer Night.

Bacon + Beer = Awesome.

Fanfuckingtastic.

Whoever thought that up is a genius. (or got a good deal on a gross of about-to-expire bacon)

Screw peanuts and popcorn.

Give me a big plate of Greasy Bacon.

Think about it, if you're sitting in a bar, drinking some beer, and you had a plate 'o bacon on your table, you'd eat it without hesitation.

AHEM Free Bacon, that is.

I know I would.

I love bacon.

Gettin sloppy on beer, greasy fingers...might want to sit out of that dart tournament.

And wear a smock.

Mmmm Bacon Breath.

That's hot.

The guy that actually experienced Bacon & Beer night SWORE he must've eaten '30 or 40 pieces of bacon.'

CRINGE EEEEGGGHHHH

He was prolly sweatin grease for days. . .

All the while attracting flies, stray dogs, and small children.

Car Dancer

When I came in this morning I had voicemail:

Oh hey, it's your boss, could you blah blah blah, and then blah blah blah blah? I'm probably not going to be around much today and blah blah blah BEEEP ya fuckin jerk....garblegarble click

. . . next message . . .

It's me again I didn't finish leaving my message some asshole cut me off and caused a 4 car pile up... anyway, could you do that and blah blah blah? let me know if questions blah blah blah . . .

Maybe you shouldn't be on the phone while you're driving!

At every stoplight I sit at, there are at least 4 people on their cell phones.

Not me, oh no, I'm the idiot sitting in my car, dancing and singing badly.

You know you've done it.

Sure, I look a little ridiculous, but who has a better chance of causing an accident?(Who know? Maybe I've caused a few simply cuz people were gawking at me freakishly flailing about at the wheel)

I don't see anyone making a fuss about passing laws against Driving and Seat Dancing.

Could you imagine....

WHOOOOOOoooooo

Ma'am, were you driving and seat dancing back there at the stop sign?

Me? No, officer, I was uh...having a seizure...

You might look at me, point and laugh...

But at least I'm not the one on a hands free cell.

That bitch looked fucking crazy yelling at her windshield.

Then you got guys like this goober, thinking he's SO clever.

Pi's a blog slut.

As I was spacing out last night in a tired stupor, I realized that...

I'm such a whore! (you know you wanna click it)

Why the fuck would you want to enter yourself into that?! Oh shit, who knows. (i need validation.)

And then it happened. And so soon.

It took 6 hours.

I must be good.

That is all, carry on . . .

Night Rider

On the ride home last night from ye olde samich shoppe, some odd thoughts presented themselves...

RandomMindRambleGO(haha i see that and all can think is something cheesey like the power rangers or captain planet when they all get together to use their powers but have to say one little catch phrase together, i'd be the one sittin in the back yelling about how stupid they are and to quit wasting time being GAY lets go and rescue and some hot chicks or the world er whatever)

Holy shit it's fucking dark out here and there aren't any lights, the stupid construction leaves me without shoulders but it doesn't matter cuz i'm a line hugger. a yellow line hugger. concrete barriers on either side it's like the gauntlet, god those people were fucked up i remember going through the toture hall in medieval times and seeing all the fucked up shit that was used as punishment, what a job, sit around and think up new ways to torture people back to the gauntlet, like American Gladiators, I thought the names were funny like Nitro and Blade n shit people always pussed out when it came to jousting with huge q-tips i always liked the one where they put contestants in a huge hamster ball and made them run around and knock into each other

And random thoughts from today:

i've been afraid of the dark lately like last night as i was getting into bed i had this shockingly detailed idea that a hand was going to reach out from under my bed and grab me. a gross dripping slimy coved in seaweed like the arm from that nasty thing that popped out of the bog in that movie i used to watch as a kid oh yeah legend wow that movie sucked. or after the lights were out, that someone or something was in my room. the parking garage can be pretty creepy, the tip tap of a single woman's heels and nothing else, some lights are out, is there someone lurking there? you watch too many bad movies, but yeah monsters and weird shit keep infecting my brain when it gets late and i'm alone in the dark. wtf. i'm 24. i'm too tired to blog for real cuz i've been working too hard lately and it doesn't look like it's going to end anytime soon. they better pay me more. i want to kill the cat but then she gives me that supid sweet look like, 'what? so maybe i barfed on your bed in the early morning hours while you were sleeping in it...' yeah she totally did. i rolled over and felt something cold and wet with my foot. i was instantly mad. turn on the light, it's fucking 4:45am. my quilt. my sheets. my NEW quilt and 600 thread count egyptian cotton sheets that i bought 2 weeks ago...the sheets that had been on my bed for a total of 2 days before she got to em. this is why i can't keep nice things nice. if you've never slept on fancy sheets like that at home you must try it.

i have no point. or do i? shit it's 9pm and i'm too tired for it to be 9pm. bah. fuck it i'm done.

Das Boot

I love German Beer.

And playing DAS BOOT.

If you haven't been to a German bar that has it available, weep.

Weep now.

A 2-liter Glass Boot full of the Bier of your choice . . .

Some edumacation:

The Rules:

1. The Boot may not touch the table, if it does, you buy the next one!

2. The Toe of the Boot must always point away from the drinker

3. You have to drink as much as you can!

4. If the Bier splashes the Drinker in the face, drink again!

5. The Boot must be flicked before passing it

6. The Boot must be passed clockwise

7. If the person you passed the boot to finishes it, you buy the next one!

We had about 10-12 people drinking from the boot . . .

MMmmm Bacteria-laden BEER

That whole not splashing in the face thing is REALLY HARD to avoid once you've gotten down to the top of the foot and have already been drinking. . .

The Hessen Haus, where we were enjoying Das Boot, has a limit of 3 rounds per group.

That's CRAP

We could've been WAY drunker . . . the first 2 boots didn't quite make it around the circle.

The 3rd Boot came around TWICE

(losers, I did my part. . .)

The chick that finished it, well...she wasn't feeling too hot and ran to the bathroom...

I drank so much ice-cold beer my TEETH hurt.

Delicious.

Cap the weekend off with a party at the Gay Bar and running into my boss's boss from the samich shoppe. . .

Houston, we have GAY CONFIRMATION.
(he was walking around like one of those creepy older gay guys, too, i think he was wearing a windbreaker...)

el Bait Shop

The Secret Order of the Red Stapler had a lunch gathering today at el Bait Shop in downtown Des Moines.

Talk about a buncha dorks.

BossMan thought it'd be a good idea for all of us to go somewhere cool for lunch.

Especially since we're moving in with the other company soon.

We need to take advantage of the time we have left to solidify our little 'clique.'

One guy was even rockin a bow tie.

As you can see, el Bait Shop has a wonderful amount of microbrews on tap.

YUMMY!

Of course, lunch time banter for invesment folks is usually pretty dull.

Money.

Family.

Money.

Golf.

Money.

Football.

Money.

Did I mention Money?

Today was a little different...the TV had a commercial for 'Natural Male Enhancement that WORKS!'

'My son just LOVES those Enzyte ads, he thinks that guy and the looks on those ladies faces are so FUNNY!'

Then we started in on it...

FOUR HOURS? Call your doctor after four hours? You really think guys are calling their doctors first and not their friends...'Hey dude, yeah I've had an erection for FOUR HOURS and counting!'

What would you do with an erection for four hours anyway? (That one raised some eyebrows.)

How would you like to be the doctor that gets that phone call?!

Uhhh, yeah, I've had an, um, erection for going on four hours now. . .

I think after four hours my wife would call the cops before I would call the doctor!

Get away from me with that thing! I'm getting a restraining order!


Have a good 3 day weekend!!