Piecing It All Together

I don't remember the last time I got up at 2:15 pm.

This is what I know:

My feet are telling me I walked too far in heels last night.

My stomach says that McDonald's at 5am is still a bad idea.

My tongue tells me I was drinking beer and tequila.

My throat says I smoked too much.

My eyes are screaming, 'you stupid bitch you didn't take out your contacts!'

My head is telling me that I'll be eating ibuprofen like candy today.

My wallet says I spent $24.

My cell phone says I drunk dialed 2 people. I only remember one!

And drunk texted 2.

My camera tells me who I drank with. . .

The fact that I woke up in my bed means I drove home really late. (idiot)

The trail of destruction in my apartment means I forgot to turn the lights on again.

I think it was a good night!

Welcome Home!

Everything was going just fine today...

Then I came home.

Working at the Sammich Shoppe was cake, a dash of bowling, and then a nice stint at GoodWill to find something ridiculous to wear to work Monday (I'll get to that later...)

Hit the food shack, and on my way home, I see an emergency vehicle behind me, like WAAYYY behind me.

shrug. no worries.

Next thing I know that thing, which happened to be a fire chief vehicle, zipped by and did what?

Turned down my street.

There are plenty of apartment buildings on that street...

Get closer to the complex...not only is the chief's SUV there, but also an ambulance and a couple of fire trucks.

Fucking great.

Thought process: I don't see any smoke. I hope the cats are ok. Hope I can get into my apartment. I don't want my food to spoil...

(opens the door, pulls into the underground garage. )

People could be BURNING ALIVE and I'm worried about my milk turning and lettuce wilting!!

Priorities, people, PRIORITIES.

Obviously the elevator wasn't working, so I had to haul my shit up the stairs...the fire alarm was blaring.

How annoying.

The old people were meddling.

What a surprise.

It smelled like someone burned a whole case of popcorn.

Gross.

The firemen come out of a hallway that isn't mine.

Oh, ok.

The staff is trying to herd the oldies into a different part of the building.

But our sitting area is over HERE.

Ma'am we're going to have to ventilate this hallway, that means lots of large, noisy fans.

I went to get my mail...

Firemen are FUCKING HUGE up close and in their suits...

That's HOTT. (extra 't' hawt)

I squeezed by like it was no big deal to have 30 people standing around in a stinky haze surrounded by firemen in full gear.

I'm pretty sure they gawked at me like I was crazy.

No, not crazy, just PMSing.

I couldn't care less...at least now I get to think about Hott Firemen.

Pork makes it alllll better

Last night I became aware of A Little Slice of Heaven that exists in that wonderful town of Madison, Wisconsin.

All whilst enjoying some free Warsteiner, german food, and seeing my boss in Lederhosen.(It was a fantastic opportunity to take some embarassing pictures.)

That Slice o'Heaven is called:

Bacon & Beer Night.

Bacon + Beer = Awesome.

Fanfuckingtastic.

Whoever thought that up is a genius. (or got a good deal on a gross of about-to-expire bacon)

Screw peanuts and popcorn.

Give me a big plate of Greasy Bacon.

Think about it, if you're sitting in a bar, drinking some beer, and you had a plate 'o bacon on your table, you'd eat it without hesitation.

AHEM Free Bacon, that is.

I know I would.

I love bacon.

Gettin sloppy on beer, greasy fingers...might want to sit out of that dart tournament.

And wear a smock.

Mmmm Bacon Breath.

That's hot.

The guy that actually experienced Bacon & Beer night SWORE he must've eaten '30 or 40 pieces of bacon.'

CRINGE EEEEGGGHHHH

He was prolly sweatin grease for days. . .

All the while attracting flies, stray dogs, and small children.

Car Dancer

When I came in this morning I had voicemail:

Oh hey, it's your boss, could you blah blah blah, and then blah blah blah blah? I'm probably not going to be around much today and blah blah blah BEEEP ya fuckin jerk....garblegarble click

. . . next message . . .

It's me again I didn't finish leaving my message some asshole cut me off and caused a 4 car pile up... anyway, could you do that and blah blah blah? let me know if questions blah blah blah . . .

Maybe you shouldn't be on the phone while you're driving!

At every stoplight I sit at, there are at least 4 people on their cell phones.

Not me, oh no, I'm the idiot sitting in my car, dancing and singing badly.

You know you've done it.

Sure, I look a little ridiculous, but who has a better chance of causing an accident?(Who know? Maybe I've caused a few simply cuz people were gawking at me freakishly flailing about at the wheel)

I don't see anyone making a fuss about passing laws against Driving and Seat Dancing.

Could you imagine....

WHOOOOOOoooooo

Ma'am, were you driving and seat dancing back there at the stop sign?

Me? No, officer, I was uh...having a seizure...

You might look at me, point and laugh...

But at least I'm not the one on a hands free cell.

That bitch looked fucking crazy yelling at her windshield.

Then you got guys like this goober, thinking he's SO clever.

Pi's a blog slut.

As I was spacing out last night in a tired stupor, I realized that...

I'm such a whore! (you know you wanna click it)

Why the fuck would you want to enter yourself into that?! Oh shit, who knows. (i need validation.)

And then it happened. And so soon.

It took 6 hours.

I must be good.

That is all, carry on . . .

Night Rider

On the ride home last night from ye olde samich shoppe, some odd thoughts presented themselves...

RandomMindRambleGO(haha i see that and all can think is something cheesey like the power rangers or captain planet when they all get together to use their powers but have to say one little catch phrase together, i'd be the one sittin in the back yelling about how stupid they are and to quit wasting time being GAY lets go and rescue and some hot chicks or the world er whatever)

Holy shit it's fucking dark out here and there aren't any lights, the stupid construction leaves me without shoulders but it doesn't matter cuz i'm a line hugger. a yellow line hugger. concrete barriers on either side it's like the gauntlet, god those people were fucked up i remember going through the toture hall in medieval times and seeing all the fucked up shit that was used as punishment, what a job, sit around and think up new ways to torture people back to the gauntlet, like American Gladiators, I thought the names were funny like Nitro and Blade n shit people always pussed out when it came to jousting with huge q-tips i always liked the one where they put contestants in a huge hamster ball and made them run around and knock into each other

And random thoughts from today:

i've been afraid of the dark lately like last night as i was getting into bed i had this shockingly detailed idea that a hand was going to reach out from under my bed and grab me. a gross dripping slimy coved in seaweed like the arm from that nasty thing that popped out of the bog in that movie i used to watch as a kid oh yeah legend wow that movie sucked. or after the lights were out, that someone or something was in my room. the parking garage can be pretty creepy, the tip tap of a single woman's heels and nothing else, some lights are out, is there someone lurking there? you watch too many bad movies, but yeah monsters and weird shit keep infecting my brain when it gets late and i'm alone in the dark. wtf. i'm 24. i'm too tired to blog for real cuz i've been working too hard lately and it doesn't look like it's going to end anytime soon. they better pay me more. i want to kill the cat but then she gives me that supid sweet look like, 'what? so maybe i barfed on your bed in the early morning hours while you were sleeping in it...' yeah she totally did. i rolled over and felt something cold and wet with my foot. i was instantly mad. turn on the light, it's fucking 4:45am. my quilt. my sheets. my NEW quilt and 600 thread count egyptian cotton sheets that i bought 2 weeks ago...the sheets that had been on my bed for a total of 2 days before she got to em. this is why i can't keep nice things nice. if you've never slept on fancy sheets like that at home you must try it.

i have no point. or do i? shit it's 9pm and i'm too tired for it to be 9pm. bah. fuck it i'm done.

Das Boot

I love German Beer.

And playing DAS BOOT.

If you haven't been to a German bar that has it available, weep.

Weep now.

A 2-liter Glass Boot full of the Bier of your choice . . .

Some edumacation:

The Rules:

1. The Boot may not touch the table, if it does, you buy the next one!

2. The Toe of the Boot must always point away from the drinker

3. You have to drink as much as you can!

4. If the Bier splashes the Drinker in the face, drink again!

5. The Boot must be flicked before passing it

6. The Boot must be passed clockwise

7. If the person you passed the boot to finishes it, you buy the next one!

We had about 10-12 people drinking from the boot . . .

MMmmm Bacteria-laden BEER

That whole not splashing in the face thing is REALLY HARD to avoid once you've gotten down to the top of the foot and have already been drinking. . .

The Hessen Haus, where we were enjoying Das Boot, has a limit of 3 rounds per group.

That's CRAP

We could've been WAY drunker . . . the first 2 boots didn't quite make it around the circle.

The 3rd Boot came around TWICE

(losers, I did my part. . .)

The chick that finished it, well...she wasn't feeling too hot and ran to the bathroom...

I drank so much ice-cold beer my TEETH hurt.

Delicious.

Cap the weekend off with a party at the Gay Bar and running into my boss's boss from the samich shoppe. . .

Houston, we have GAY CONFIRMATION.
(he was walking around like one of those creepy older gay guys, too, i think he was wearing a windbreaker...)

el Bait Shop

The Secret Order of the Red Stapler had a lunch gathering today at el Bait Shop in downtown Des Moines.

Talk about a buncha dorks.

BossMan thought it'd be a good idea for all of us to go somewhere cool for lunch.

Especially since we're moving in with the other company soon.

We need to take advantage of the time we have left to solidify our little 'clique.'

One guy was even rockin a bow tie.

As you can see, el Bait Shop has a wonderful amount of microbrews on tap.

YUMMY!

Of course, lunch time banter for invesment folks is usually pretty dull.

Money.

Family.

Money.

Golf.

Money.

Football.

Money.

Did I mention Money?

Today was a little different...the TV had a commercial for 'Natural Male Enhancement that WORKS!'

'My son just LOVES those Enzyte ads, he thinks that guy and the looks on those ladies faces are so FUNNY!'

Then we started in on it...

FOUR HOURS? Call your doctor after four hours? You really think guys are calling their doctors first and not their friends...'Hey dude, yeah I've had an erection for FOUR HOURS and counting!'

What would you do with an erection for four hours anyway? (That one raised some eyebrows.)

How would you like to be the doctor that gets that phone call?!

Uhhh, yeah, I've had an, um, erection for going on four hours now. . .

I think after four hours my wife would call the cops before I would call the doctor!

Get away from me with that thing! I'm getting a restraining order!


Have a good 3 day weekend!!

Sign Posters are Idiots.

I know I'm not the only one that thinks so.

Last night on my way home, around 11:15 or so I encountered a DETOUR of I-235

That highway has been under construction for like 7 years...

Normally, detours aren't a problem.

Normally.

First, there weren't any signs saying 'Oh hey, btw, the highway is closed and we're sending you on a detour through the bad part of town.'

The cones just MADE me exit.

fucking cones.

OK, so follow the signs, right? Right.

I turned left where the trusty signs told me to turn left and the first thing I see is a FLASHING sign stating that the ramps are closed.

wtf.

Turn around, and what do I see...A sign saying that to get on the highway going west I have to GO BACK THE WAY I CAME

Assholes.

So I decided to wing it.

I have no idea where I am, but I figured if I stuck close to the highway I could hold out until I recognized something.

Note: I don't drive much at night.

I became VERY wide awake.

What kind of wayward IDIOT makes a detour lead to a yet-to-be-built entrance ramp?

Next time I'll drive THROUGH those stupid orange thingys and tell them to ram their detour signs up their asses and stand on the fucking corners themselves, and if they do well, then maybe they can remove the signs and go home...

Ouch.

The shit has hit the fan here at work, and it's landing all over my desk.
(i asked for it)
I'm working on cleaning it up.
(can't you tell)

Damnit.

Resident Appreciation Week

Oh YES!

It's Resident Appreciation Week at my complex!

The have a Whole BUNCH of FUN activities planned to help everyone meet their neighbors!

There's probably 380-400 apartments in the 'complex' which is one 'W' shaped building.

As I've said before, a good portion of them are RETIRED.

Monday: Grab 'n Go Breakfast

This was a pretty good fucking idea. As I drove out of the parking garage, there was a hot maintenance guy with a bag 'o breakfast waiting for me.

Now that's service.

Tuesday: Ice Cream Social

Skipped it. I bet it was lame.

Wednesday (today): BINGO

PASS. Who knows what kinds of hijinks could occur!

Though if I did go and I won a round I would TOTALLY rub in the nearest senior's face!

Thursday: Movie on the lawn

A family friendly movie with pop/popcorn shown on one of the grassy knolls in one of the courtyards.

Depending on the level of 'family friendliness' I might go. I'll yell and throw popcorn like an obnoxious brat.

Friday: Wine Fest

Now that's more like it. Wine, cheese, crackers.

::AHEM:: FREE FOR 3 HOURS

Hell yeah. Then let's go swimming!

Saturday: Pool Party Luau

Cook out pool side, raffle off stupid prizes...

I'll be busy making $$

As cheesey as all this shit is, I'll probably either:

a) find some acceptable young & employed's

or

b) find out I'm the coolest person at the party cuz everyone else my age figured it'd be lame and is in their apt getting drunk without me

Any Guesses?

Home Smell

You know that smell. It makes you feel comfy.

You open the door, returning after a long hard day at work in your cube, and then

W H O O S H

That smell washes over you and whatever creatures are awaiting your return rush to greet you....

You can tell when people have dogs from that smell.

What they've been cooking...

Their favorite candle even!

I used to love my home smell.

Now it sucks.

It's not like I smell or anything...

Wait...(pit check...)

Nope, fine.

Speaking of pit checks, one time at the bar the Jilted Love Monkey decided that she smelled so she went to the bathroom and cleaned up...Only her pits were soaking wet when she left.Like dripping. Didn't smell, but looked like she was Pitting Out (to the MAX)Nice going, Love Monkey.

Anyway, the management of the complex has been updating certain apartments.

Like mine.

They put in wood floor. Not the real stuff.

The fake stuff. The slippery as hell stuff.

The Glue-It-Yourself-Stuff.

THE DAY BEFORE I MOVED IN.

My Home Smell is that of Floor Glue.

And occasionally cat box.

Even after cooking a deliciously pungent meal, the glue prevails.

I'm going to have to spill perfume er some shit to mask it...

What's a girl to do?!

Random Sayings & Happenings: Cuz I Feel Like it.

Since there isn't enough to write a complete and rational story, let's just string some unrelated events together, shall we?

Saturday I proved to myself that I cannot be trusted to wander around a mall or any store that's having a sale.

Especially if I'm carrying a credit card. (evil}:)

The only time I spent outside in the daylight was walking to and from my car.

SIGH Silly female urges.

I caught the last hour of various movies.

Like Groundhog Day, one of my favorites.

Some Australian movie from the early '90s with a young Russell Crowe looking all small-town cowboy.

And FLASH GORDAN.

FLASH! (pause) AAAHHOOOHH,(chord chord) HE SAVED EVERY ONE OF US!

Takes me back to childhood.

The costumes are ridiculously cheesey and over the top. I've never seen so many sequins!

Flash I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!

What a selfless statement.

Best line I heard: She's magnificent. We will take her and breed with her and send our Imperial Progeny to repopulate your planet.

Oh, Snap?

This morning as I was exiting the highway, after my excruciating almost-3-mile-commute, I saw a license plate that made me giggle.

Then it made me think. . . WTF

We've all seen the stupid macho plates, I've even seen one that said GET BEER...

But who would WANT THIS for a license plate?


A big THANKS to the little intern that took stupid shit off my desk, which allowed me to blog at work today!

Anality

We all have our little anal habits...

I, for example, like post-it notes.

They're all over my cubicle.

I think I label everything to make it look like I'm actually busy...

Or this office job has caused me to lose my mind and I can't remember a damn thing anymore!

(getting older)

The stickies make me feel like I'm organized.

But, as usual, there's ALWAYS someone in the office with
SUPREME ANALITY

He Pledges his desk once a week.

And at the end of EVERY DAY, he straightens it up.

Here in Cubicle Hell one of our Equity Analysts is the
SUPREME ANALITY.

Behold, the daily flexing:

You know That Guy.

He's in his 30s, single, quiet, NERDY

Works weekends.

FOR FUN.

When he parks next to you in the lot you can't help but stare thru his window.

It's perfectly clean. Like new.

He isn't management either. (cuz they HAVE to have perfectly clean vehicles)

Pi, on the other hand, well I exhibit a bit of anality.

Nerds can't help it.

But, as you can see, I'm more half n half.

The messy part of my cube even oozes into the 'hallway'...it's a funny wall of sorts.

People even come by to see if I've posted anything new.

Kinda like this thing.

Weird.

If any of you would like to chat with Pi, add MexicanHeatwave to your Gmail contacts, I'm also on msn, but only at night.

Well, the nights I stay in. Maybe.

Beyond Wrong

I was at a shitty bar so I shouldn't have been surprised when I witnessed this:

Being the nerd that I am, I had my trusty camera on me...

Yes, that's a handlebar-turned-ape-hanger mustache...and his pants are undone!

The look on the bartender's face says it all.

Reminds me of something I heard at The Funny Bone...

Body Shot? But that bitch is HUGE!

. . .

Aww, fuck it! Fill up her belly button, make it a double!

shudder

Side Note: Has anyone switched to Blogger Beta yet? What do you think of it?

Testicle Update

I've been putting this off. . .

Update on The Nut Fry, which was first mentioned here (and the inspiration for Jetson's Ball Machine Shirt)

I went. (I LOVE how happy she looks!)

I got to GNOSH on TESTICLES.

And I did it in the dark. (got there around 10pm...)

The smell in the parking lot where this little shin-dig was held was....distinctive.

They were about 1.5" in diameter, breaded, and FRIED.

The size makes me think they were Pig Scrote.

The texture, hmmm well this is an odd one. If you chew on it, very tender.

But you can't just bite off a little piece!

Tried that. Tough.

Weird.

Which brings us to The Taste.

Not bad. Not like chicken. Not like beef, or pork either....

Different.

There's no way to describe it!

I took this picture with some shitty camera phone or cheap digital...I don't remember...

Night Vision Testicles!

And after chowin' down on testicles....

To the Gay Bar!

As I was moving my way to the front of the room to take in the drag show in all its glory, I saw someone I recognized from a few classes in college.

He turned his head a little...saw me, so I waved...

His head snapped back so fast he could've caused whiplash.

5 minutes later as I made my way back out...he was nowhere to be found!

Could he be GASP.....GHEYY?!

shrug. Not a big surprise.

Amazing who you'll see (and possibly out) at the Gay Bar...

Blingy

Rich People do all kinds of retarded things.

One that really irritates me is when they dress up their pets.

A fucking DOG is running around in a foofy little lacy shirt and real diamond encrusted collar that cost more than my whole outfit?!

WTF.

That money would be better spent on a brain transplant.

Or not.

Some people are beyond help.

There are tons of sites that sell that shit. (of course)

They have ewtsy cutesy stab-my-brain-with-a-q-tip names like DoggieVogue and GlamourDog.

BARF.

Then there's this:


Yeah, those are Gold Crowns. It cost $1800.

His owner, dentist David Steele, said he gave Sebastian gold crowns to help strengthen the fanged feline's teeth. Steele said he was worried the unique canines would break off or become a problem.

How about when the sun hits those crowns just right and reflects into your eye, blinding you as you just so happen to be slicing meat, causing you to slip and chop off a finger instead?

. . . think about it. . .

Lesson?

Bling out your pets and lose a finger.

It's your choice.

I realize the irony of me spending 60 bucks to have my kitty cut like a lion, but that's actually FUNCTIONAL, so eat it.

Time to Whore it Up!

So I've given in to the Flickr Temptation.

Pics of the Pi.

Gorge yourselves!

I've been screwing around with my template a bit, and if you noticed, I now have a favicon.

If yout want one, just ask!

I'm so cool.

wwhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

As a child I would always squeal 'wwhheeeeeeee' whenever I was on the swings. . .

Imagine the sounds I made while on the rides at Six Flags Great America!

First up was The Viper, a woody with only lap bars, whose first drop is 80 feet and gets up to 50 mph.

Those woodies give me headaches. The shaking is unbelievable.

Each peak gives you that great lifting feeling in your stomach, but some of the thrill comes from the feeling that the whole thing is going to fall apart! (what are we talking about again??)

Raging Bull was next. It had to be. After standing in line underneath it's first drop of 200 feet and hearing everyone screaming. . .

We got up to the front of the line, waiting for the front row. . . and watched as TWO LARGE people were turned away because they couldn't pull the lap harness thingy back far enough . . .

How embarassing.

The ride was awesome. It goes so fast your eyes water.

Another woody followed, a 25 yr old woody. shaky shaky.

Then it was time for some grub:

A 1/4 lb foot long chili cheese dog.

With cheese fries.

And yes, I ate the whole damn thing.

With a spork.

After some wandering around to let that brick settle it was time. . .

Batman the Ride

'Guests will finally escape through the Batcave to be whisked away on Batman's newest crime-fighting device, Batman The Ride. '

Crime fighting device, eh?

Whatever, it was awesome.

Afterwards I got soaked on a frickin water ride.

Wet, sticky jeans. . .

Not as much fun as that other activity that gives you wet, sticky jeans. . .but at least I was cooled off...

To dry off, standing in line for Superman: Ultimate Flight seemed like a good idea. . .

I'm not sure who thought this contraption up, but it was something else . . . you sit in your chair, get strapped in, including your legs, and then the whole thing retracts so you're facing the floor.

You're fucking FLYING.

The first loop is what did it for me, going in head first, then curving around and falling back against the seat...

damn.

The rest of it was kinda boring. Like Superman was cruisin through the sky and just enjoying being able to fly . . . at 60 mph

Because of the restraints you can only stick your arms out so far, like the goober in the picture.

Pi had a great time on the rides, too bad I didn't have the time to go on all of them . . .

Whenever I get off my lazy ass and get my Chi-town pics, I'll post that...maybe.