A first of forever

July 15th has never been anything special.

Until now.

Now it's the day I last saw my dad alive.

July 15, 2007

It was a Sunday

He was in town to help me work on my condo

To finish what we had started the previous weekend:

It's all here

Mom had given me some $$ to fix the place up

I remember Dad saying Since I can't give you money like your mother, I'm going to help you as much as I can. All I have is time to give.

Two months and a day later, he died.

The last time I saw him he was standing on my patio waving at me as I pulled away to head back to my apartment.

He wanted to do as much as possible before leaving the next day. He felt he hadn't done enough yet, so instead of driving home on Sunday night, he worked until I don't know when and then got up super early.

A year later, I still haven't finished what we started together.

This condo, my first home, has a special place in my memory and my heart.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to sell it, as keeping it wasn't in the long term plan.

I didn't spend much time with Dad in the last four years of his life

In fact, the most recent picture I have of us together was taken in 2004 at his wedding reception.

I took so many pictures of what we were doing here together and didn't even snap one of us, dirty, smelly, and annoyed with each other.

A few weeks before he was due to come help, I was at his house discussing my plans for the place.

As I left, we were standing on his stoop, he gave me a big hug and said, You're all grown up, I'm really happy with the way you turned out. I'm so proud of you.

I thought he was going to cry, and I kinda brushed it off with an Oh Dad...

Now it's one of my favorite memories of him.

Hard to believe I haven't seen you in a year.

I miss you.

A picture of us, taken in 1995, when I was 13 and didn't like taking pictures:























I keep this one on my desk at work, it makes me smile

Everybody in Florida was smoking pot

I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching to State Farm.

Screw you, Farmer's!

The 'account executive' I spoke to is one of those guys that has a not-so-manly voice which makes your gay suspicions spike so you start looking for something about him that screams I LOVE PUSSY.

I'm not sure I found one...

Anyway, the summer weather has finally arrived, the cats are shedding like mad, and I'm starting to get that nice summer glow

Time for a fling!

Summer flings...ahhh do you remember?

Maybe you're in one right now.

Thing about em is, you KNOW it isn't going to last, so you just bone all the time and have fun.

No pressure.

The weather will turn in a few months and you'll (most likely) decide this isn't the person I want keeping me warm during the winter so you just stop calling.

Voila. Fling.

or Flings...

I sent a Flirty Email today.

You know where that leads?

Flirty Dinner and Flirty Drinks.

(and maybe Flirty Soccer since that's where I met him...)

Yep, there's the catch. He's on my soccer team.

Have to be careful with that!!

Doesn't quite violate the 'No co-workers, classmates, or neighbors' rule but it's in that grey zone...

Which brings me to Dating.

The only date in recent memory was something I don't care to repeat.

Everything, (well, not everything, he was LATE!!) was going alright, then, inevitably, family comes up.

How the hell do you tell someone you don't even know, or even barely know, that your dad died less than a year ago?

It is easier to say, I'd rather not talk about family when it comes up?

Or preface the date with There's something I'd rather not talk about with you just yet, try and guess what it is!

There are other topics that could lead to The Death Talk, such as the condo conversation, course I'll say I worked on it with dad, then questions about him could ensue...

This is tricky.

It could lead to some hella awkward situations. (yes, I just used 'hella' and I know it's retarded.)

I understand that because before this, I had no idea how to react to news like that either.

Someone write A Dating Guide for the Grieving: So you lost a Parent? (not to be confused with the Dating Guide for the Grieving: So you lost a Spouse?)

What if, on the off chance the date can relate?

I don't want to spend some of the night in tears talking about our dead parents (not on the first date anyway...)

oh le sigh. I'll have to stumble it out...

Last Wednesday I was in Chicago once again

At the United Center

With my mom

For a concert

Last year (or the year before, who can remember?) it was Madonna

This year: George Michael

Laugh and point if you must but it was THE MOST AWESOMEST CONCERT EVER!!!

We had seats 11 rows up from the floor, the view was amazing

Totally spoiled ourselves with $250 seats.

You can't go back to the nosebleeds after that. No way.

There were some die hard fans.

This one lady, whose hair style hasn't changed in 25 years, was wearing a brightly colored jean jacket with his face airbrushed over the entire back.

Sequins and rhinestones on the front spelled out Freedom and Faith

Fucking sweet.

Everyone was on their feet singing and dancing

Pretty sure he played all my favorite songs

And, as the night progressed, he became more flamboyant!

Didn't bring my camera in for a change. Not sure why.

Could have taken awesome pics.

(I stole from flickr instead)

More tomorrow, but in a different tone...

if you're wondering about the title I pulled it from a track in Mark Farina's Live in Tokyo

That one guy

Everyone knows him.

That One Guy.

He's not a 'regular' in any of your circles

You don't even see him that often

But he calls

Just to chat.

That Guy.

Like that episode of Family Guy when Peter goes all pansy and calls Quagmire 'just to talk...sooo what are you doing....?'

Calling just to chat is a decidedly unmanly activity.

What does he chat about?

Fuck if I know!

It's like listening to any girlfriend you've ever had.

Work this and money that, btw you should invest in this microcap company, my roommate yadda yadda...

For the most part, it's fine.

For the other part, it's not.

When someone has a 'great investment' that they 'can't wait to tell you about' do you cringe?

I do.

It's just as bad as those religious jerks that show up at your door.

Or is it worse?

You can't just peep through the hole, strip down to your undies and then open the door and scare them away.

Hmm.

Coincidentally he's also the Really Chatty Drunk Guy.

And he's the Guy That Can't Handle His Liquor...

Bad combo.

But he's my buddy and no, I'd never let him move in with me even though he really needs a new place, but I'll listen to him bitch about whatever kind of rommate he does find...

Moderation is key.

We had dinner Tuesday night and I heard this song on the XM radio that was totally awesome...

I'm on a mission to find it.

I have no idea what it's called or who it's by, but it's in my head!

Don'tcha hate that?

In other news, I've been a homeowner for a year this Saturday!!

Wow. A whole year...already?

There are so many projects that I haven't finished yet, even more that I haven't started, and new ideas popping up...

No rush, this place is mine!

A couple nights ago I saw a newat pattern in the way the light hit the wall next to my front door.

Since that area is a bit sparse on decor, I decided to trace the pattern and paint it...

Mini weekend project, anyone?

Not this weekend, last minute, let's go to Chicago to celebrate Little Brother's 23rd birthday :)

Note: while searching for pics/formatting I found that song!! (Estelle - American Boy)

some real shit

here i sit. late at night. storm outside, lighting streaming in through the window.

I was lying in bed just now thinking about the things that two of my friends said to me a few hours ago.

There's more to you than you let on. Why don't you share all of the 'regular' stuff? Tell us about your boring day or your stupid cat, why does it always have to be over the top crazy shit?

Apparently it makes some people uncomfortable. It's intimidating.

I know I'm intimidating without even opening my mouth. Why complicate it?

I'm Compensating.

It's an old habit. Always go over the top, always shock them, be the most 'out there'

But why?

Before, I'm not sure why I did it.

I know why I do it now though.

It's easier than saying the things I really want to say.

I like to keep things upbeat and happy.

The things I want to talk about aren't.

I don't like complainers and I feel that some of the things I'd talk about would come off that way.

Others are difficult to understand.

The things that I would love to tell my friends:

I miss you. I tell a couple of you this, but I'm not sure how much it helps.

I'm lonely.

I'm grieving the death of my father. I know you don't understand and probably have no idea what to say to this. In this case the wrong things usually come out. I don't want to deal with those things. I've heard them all and it's a tough enough situation as it is without you saying the wrong thing. If/when you do, it only makes me angry. I know you have good intentions, but it's hard to overlook when dealing with this kind of pain, it's frustrating.

The state of my family since the death. No, life isn't alway fun and pretty. I know this, but I'd rather act to the contrary when with friends. I don't want to be debbie downer. Plus, I have no idea if you even want to hear about it or help me with this.

Lost.

Absolutely.

I have no idea where I'm going career wise. It's a tough subject usually written off with, 'I don't define myself by what I do for money. It's just what I do to pay for the things I really want to do.' But what are those things? Again, no idea.

My personal issues. When I'm having stupid girly moments and want to bitch about how I think I've gained weight since I stopped working my regular part time hours or how I"m stressed about money since I didn't plan on my home owner's insurance or warranty coming due...these are things that I'd like to talk about but I always hold back. Money is a sensitive subject.

Why? I don't want to be a burden? I'd like everyone to think that I'm just fine and life is grand?

That's probably part of it.

How long has it been since you've cried about dad dying?

Too long.

Just thinking about visiting his grave and placing flowers there for father's day gets me going. Maybe I'm depressed about it, I don't know for sure. Counseling is too expensive.

No more hand painted coffee cups, bad ties, packages of 6 pairs of socks or even phone calls.

I don't get to do that anymore.

Is this what you'd rather hear? Are you comfortable and ready to deal with this?

I'm not sure I am.

Where do we go from here?

Tilt, Tuck, and Tighten

I went back and read the last post and am amazed at the optimism and excitement

After my first soccer game I felt great, but I was also a little uncomfortable as my muscles started to react to my Let's get in shape first efforts

The next two days were absolute HELL

I've never experienced such severe muscle pain in my life.

Everything tightened up.

I could barely walk

I didn't know I used my sides and shoulders to play soccer, but that shit hurt, so I must....

Probably the running. Ick.

Aside from the delayed onset muscle soreness, my knees have finally healed.

My next game is this Saturday.

Terrified of the aftermath, I resigned last week to go out and do some running around, a brisk walk, ANYTHING at least 3 times before my next game.

Ummmm I didn't do anything but eat, drink, and be merry over the long weekend....

So, today, instead of lying on the couch relaxing and eating AGAIN, I decided to bounce around with a little soccer ball

It felt kinda dumb doing it in the living room, but I'm one of those retards that's embarrassed to exercise by herself in view of other people.

Like it matters.

No, it doesn't, it's just a stupid hang-up of mine.

One time, on a Saturday a few months ago, when I still had a bit of a shopping/spending problem, I was relazing on the couch watching TV.

Have you ever tried to watch TV on a Saturday?

Without cable?

Well, there's jack shit on...

Except 'Paid Programming'

Infomercials.

And what do you know, an exercise program was on...

Hip Hop Abs.

You've seen the commercials: Get fit with Shaun T. to cool hip hop music!

I cringe during those commercials...

Then I actually picked up the phone and ordered that shit.

I know, I'm amazed too.

I never thought I'd do that either.

In fact, I've been embarrassed to even TELL people that I own those dvds....

So, I'm doing it here instead.

::SIGH::

Get over it, Pi.

Moving along, playing solo with the ball was a warm up.

I popped in one of the Hip Hop Abs dvds and did the whole 30 minutes.

Feel the burn!

I felt it.

that and ridiculous.

They make it look so easy too.

Jerks.

Why can't it be like older peoples' workout dvds where everyone isn't perfect and is still working on getting into shape?

That would make me feel better.

I'm not the only one that isn't as quick on her feet as previously thought or coordinated or flexible or...

Tomorrow, I'm going to do it again.

Two steps: START and KEEP GOING.

Fuck, this is difficult!

hah, owner/CEO of beachbody, the company that puts out Hip Hop Abs among other things blogs.

Once a Grass Fairy....

Always a Grass Fairy?

In case you didn't know, the Pi is Mexican.

Which means playing soccer is a mandatory thing.

Like going to Catholic School.

I started playing when I was a mere girl, at the age of 8.

I quit at the age of 16 for various reasons:

I hated the HS coach.

I hated running.

I wasn't as awesome as I could've been.

And my dad pissed me off, my parents were getting a divorce, so I figured I'd get back at him by quitting soccer, which he loved, played for most of his life, and coached for many years.

Way to go Pi.

And who did I really end up hurting with that one?

Myself.

Duh.

The summer after I quit playing, I put on a pair of jean shorts that used to fit me perfectly.

They still did, except for one thing.

My ass had gone a little flat.

The shorts bubbled out a little, but there wasn't any ass to support them!

I rethought my decision right then, I don't remember the details, but I didn't start playing again...

Why not work-out?

Organized working out is something I've never done.

I liked gym class, the swimming, step aerobics, all that other crap we did like taebo and sliding.

But I've never done any of that stuff on my own, always had to be a class of some sort, dancing, pilates, yoga and dancing my ass off at the club in college.

3 years, 2 months, and 9 days of working in an office full-time sitting on my ass has started to take its toll.

That's a whole lot of non-exercise.

And the active dancing like crazy clubbing has even subsided a bit...(ok alot)

Then, last week at lunch one of my buffet-loving compatriots mentioned the soccer league he plays in....

Oh we need some ladies, we'd love to have you...

The minimum age for females to join is 14.

For men, it's 25...

Recipe for under-age naughty disaster?

Maybe, but that isn't the case.

So I thought about it and figured, well fuck, I'm only working one night a week at the bowling alley over the summer, if I don't do this, I'm going to end up on the patio of a different bar every night with a margarita.

Then I'll be out of shape and an alcoholic.

::sigh::

Pass.

So I joined the team.

Seeing as I haven't played soccer in 10 years, I didn't have any of the equipment.

I made a list and went shopping last night.

Sports stores are places that I don't find myself in alone.

Thank god it was a weeknight.

I wandered around that place for a good hour collecting soccer stuff.

Whilst trying on shin guards I saw the cones and markers used for practices and whatnot...

All the memories from youth soccer came flooding back.

And I suddenly missed it and became excited for my first game.

I was also dreading it.

Why?

Running and Pi don't get along.

The soreness I swore I would welcome, it means I worked stuff that hasn't been worked in a while, right?

Well I got a bit more than I bargained for.

Running is one thing, balance is another.

It was like my body was moving faster than my feet and I would just get ahead of myself and then topple over

Four times.

I fell four times in my first game.

The first two, I went down on my knees pretty damn hard.

The third, someone said it looked like I'd been snipered.

Oh yes, they sting, it's quite the sensation, and they're scraped.

My thighs are super sore.

The outsides mostly, the ones you use to actually lift your leg, yeah having a problem with that right now

And standing up/sitting down.

Uugghhhh.

This shit makes me feel old. (I can hardly wait to put on my heels tomorrow)

I'm not complaining, merely stating facts. I hate that whining shit. I will suffer through this part until it doesn't hurt as badly.

But at least now I'm doing something.

I'm going to get back into shape!

Bubble butt, here I come.

I eat Jazz Potatoes

I'm feeling about as sexy as a pile of barf.

Which is...pretty gross!

I've returned to being a Mucus Monster once again

Just in time to ruin awesome weekend plans, but, meh, the weather doesn't look like it's going to cooperate either

I realize I've fallen off the Bloggin Wagon, and that bothers me.

Occasionally I go back and read an old post, and think, Damn, that shit is GOLD.

I also think, Wow, you had a lot of time on your hands!


Moving on...

I had the windows on my new ride tinted last week and I must say, she is wayyy sexier!

Not like drug dealer tint, where people kinda back off when you roll down the street

Classy tint

Cuz it's a friggin Lexus!

I've been nerdin our and looking at the forums, people have been 'tricking out' this car.

Seriously?

Yeah, like fat-ass rims and body kits and other ricey-nerd shit.

Some of it I don't mind, as long as it stays classy

Like this, this is exactly the opposite of what I'm talking about:


Can you say 'Spider Man'?!

Right so here are the before and after pics of the tinting...





It's nice n subtle and really makes the car...

Really not as pricey as I expected either.

Neat, huh?!

As for wheels, might put that on hold, I've always liked the shiny ones, but I heard they're hard to keep clean

Gotta keep it classy first and sporty second...

although these look damn snappy:

I'm all geeked out on car stuff!

Back in the Saddle

The internet saddle that is!

Unfortunately work has decided to install the evil that is WebSense

Grr.

Since I'm cool with Scary-Big-like-a-bouncer IT guy, he clued me in to when they'd start monitoring everything us little peons are doing on the internets...

Which means no You Tube, no blogger, no myspace, no facebook, no naughty stories or picutres no fun, no fun, no fun

Well you aren't supposed to be doing that stuff at work anyway, Pi!

Pfft.

How am I supposed to entertain myself and stay conscious when the bosses aren't giving me work to do?!

So after so many weeks (prolly only one but seems like forever) of no fun on the internets, I reached out for help

At home there happens to be a couple of unsecured wireless connections...

How do I know this?

JMax had an iphone and would tap into that shit all the time...

Turns out all I needed was to hook up my old beast and get a $30 usb wireless network tapper into.

BAM!

Free internets at home.

Neat. Thanks neighborinos!

OK, after a slight techincal difficulty (ahem) my knee bumping into the wireless network tapper, back on track

So, I blog to you tonight from atop a kitty litter container, as I gave away my uncomfortable old kitchen chairs...

What has the Pi been up to?

Driving and washing my sexy car...

Partying it up at the local smoke-hole

Attending her first ever rugby match!

Enjoying the company of her girlfriend and boyfriend...at the same time!

Don't be so surprised.

Oh yeah, Momma Pi is way cooler than previously thought.

She was in town a couple weekends ago and went out to happy hour with us

After a few drinks and very little to eat I return from the loo to hear these words escape my mother's lips

Now, for anal sex the best way to do it is...

! !

Most people would cringe and run back to the bathroom if they walked into that conversation

But Moms n I are cool, she can give my friends butt-sex advice anyday!

What really impressed me was the way she took the news that I am dating a couple.

::shrug:: She's cool with it.

Fuck yeah, Momma Pi rocks.

Pictures coming, my stupid camera cable is at work...grrr....

ahhh it's good to be back :)

Young 'Love'

Do you remember your first crush?

I do...

Back at St. Bartholomew Catholic School in Chicago

Jeffrey Bartel

We were in second grade, and adorable.

He was just a little guy, pale, blonde, blue-eyed

(The complete opposite of what I prefer now)

Every girl had a crush on him.

He sat next to me in class...

We would pass looks back and forth, not paying attention to Miss Labrandi

One time we were coloring and one of my crayons rolled off my desk...

He popped right out of his seat and walked around the row of desks to pick it up for me

Awww, how sweet.

One time, our eighth grade buddies came to visit us...

We were sitting on their laps talking...

So you really like her?

Jeff nods

And you really like him?

I nod

Aawww, isn't that cute?!

Oh geez, this makes me want to barf now

Last I remember he moved out to the suburbs...

There was also the neighborhood crush, Billy Guess.

He lived a few doors down and went to the other catholic school in the neighborhood

I really liked him for 8 years...but back then we were just kids, no idea what was going on...

I moved away shortly after my 13th birthday so we didn't have to go through the awkward stages of puberty and high school together

I visited a couple times during high school, by that time everyone had started calling him 'Bill' which seemed really odd to me...

Later I heard he went to a private college in the suburbs

Why the hell am I writing about this?

Memories of these childhood crushes randomly popped into my head last night as I was trying to get to sleep.

This happens a couple of times a year and then I think about maybe tracking Billy down

Then I realize it's probably been 10 years since I've seen or talked to him!

Would it be a little creepy?

Hmmm

I have friends that have had the same best friend since they were in grade school and/or hang out with people they went to high school with

To me, that's absolutely strange!

Or do I have a problem hanging on to friends long-term?

Is it me? Or them? Or both?!

I have moved around a bit...I can't imagine living in the same town with my mother (or even within 50 miles of her!)

Does anyone else randomly think about their childhood crushes?

How long have you known your oldest friend?

Maybe I'm just weird.

Finally, Satisfaction

The Pi really digs on Mr. Scruff

Has for at least 10 years!

He mixes up all kinds of funky stuff, with a jazzy edge to it

MTV2 introduced us in the form of this video:



After that, I was hooked.

I actually BOUGHT the CD Keep It Unreal

Y'know, back when we did stuff like buy CDs...

I also fell for this song:

Honeydew



I remember being at my dad's house and it coming on..When did you start listening to Pink Floyd?

Pink Floyd? This is Mr. Scruff!

(I still don't know which Floyd song it is)

I love the way he draws his little people!

Just so damn CUTE!!

Like in this video where everyone is ecstatic just to have some PIE:



So FINALLY, last week, I was able to see Mr. Scruff!

He was at the Smart Bar in Chicago playing all night...

Mr. Scott and I show up right before the doors open and chat with the bouncer-guy.

He told us about how a few weeks ago there was a line like down the block and around the corner.

Who was playing?

I dunno, some guy with an 'F'...

Farina!! Mark Farina?

Yeah, that was it, we were about 200 people over capacity. There were people hanging out at the bottom of the stairs, we couldn't get in there even if something happened.

We were here that night!! It was awesome, totally hot down there too.

Craziness.

Smart Bar is my new favorite.

It's been around awhile, my mom used to party there back in the day!

Anyway so we make it in and see posters...with a sticky note that says 'Sell Night of for $5'

Sweet.

We head downstairs to find the place empty.

Perfect, grab drinks, find a nice spot to chill...

There he is!!

So we went up to the booth to chat with him...

Would you sign some posters for us?!

Of course he said yes!!!!

It was a long night of steady beer drinking and bouncing around to the music.

You know that movie Shaun of the Dead?

(course you do, it's AWESOME)

The scene where Shaun and Ed are drunk, dancing around in the living room, and ends with Ed saying 'It's not hip-hop, it's Electro.'

He totally played that song!

Later in the night, about 1:30, the heavy bass began...

Listening to deep deep bass at that hour in a dimly lit basement club after driving 375 miles and enduring dinner with Indian doctors makes you really really tired.

(not to mention the massage from the vibrating booth cushion)

If you've never heard of Mr. Scruff, I highly recommend Trouser Jazz, MRSCRUFF, and anything else you can get your hands on!

New Addition

The Pi has been shopping for a car for a few months now...

Momma Pi introduced Indian Dealership Guy and he said he'd go to auction and find whatever I wanted.

That was 2.5 months ago.

I think I've waited long enough.

I'm a big girl and I can make my own decisions!

I appreciate the help, Mom, but I'm going to pass this time...

Behold, My New Baby:



She joined the family last Friday...

Mom doesn't know yet!

I'm going to tell her when I pull into her driveway on Friday.

Surprise!!

She drives like a dream

A co-worker said to me last week: When you go from a car that's 10+ years old to a much newer car, it's like magic. Everything works and you don't worry about anything!

Holy shit was she right!

This thing has all kinds of neat little gadgets!

Now for some window tinting...

Mmm mmm what a sexy beast!

I'm going to have pictures taken with the car, any suggestions for outfits?

St. Patty's Day etc

St. Patty's Day in Des Moines is something people get excited about.

There's a big parade and parties all over . . .

Pi doesn't particularly like parades.

I think they're kinda stupid actually.

So when good ol C-Dub asked me to join his party people IN the parade...

Hmmm, well, might as well give it a shot.

Their parade entry is the Official Des Moines Irish Drinking Team or something like that

They have shirts made for the occasion.

We started at the High Life Lounge around 8.30-9am...

Getting up early has never been so easy!

Unfortunately the weather was miserable....rainy and mid30s-ish

This really put a damper on the lining-up-for-the-parade part of the day...which lasted an hour!

During the parade, I sat in the back of a pick-up truck, tossing beads to children just whining for them...

Shit, you'd think they were made out of gold or something.

They could care less about the candy!

Beads!! BEEAADDSS!!!

It was like that scene in Indiana Jones, Temple of Doom, when all the kids are holding up their shackled wrists yelling Me! Me!

::Shudder:: Creepy.

As soon as the parade was over, I booked to the nearest bathroom...my pants were soaking wet.

Awesome.

Big party at the Embassy Suites...too bad everyone smelled like wet dogs!

Blah. So the rest of the day is only so-so...and pictures can speak for themselves...



Seriously, who gets waxed like this?!



More on the flickr page, as usual!

The Anti-Pi Lunchbreak

Yesterday I had a plan for lunch

I was going to be productive

Pick up food, get oil changed, go to post office

Simple, right?

But not easy.

I went to Bruegger's Bagels for their awesome-delicious Thai Peanut Chicken sammich

Then off to the oil change place

They gave me one of the key chain punch card things awhile back and after 5 oil changes the 6th one is free!

I was excited cuz I was finally there!

I was ready for my free oil change.

The pimply worker came out and asked if I just wanted my oil changed, Yes, that's it.

I head inside with my book and sammich and get comfy

Have you been here before? I can't find your car in the system...

Yes, this will be my sixth time.

Still couldn't find it so I dictated all my info again...

Back to the sammich...

No Thai peanut sauce!!

That absolutely makes the sandwich.

Without it, it's just an expensive chicken sandwich on a 'softwich'

Grr.

There's a hick in the waiting room.

He decides it's a great time to make friends.

Blahblahblah he says....and manages to mention that he has a Mercedes

Nice.

I'm looking around at the place and see a sign:

Notice: this establishment went through an ownership change, effective September 1, 2007. As a result we will no longer be accepting punch cards.

::SIGH::

Grr.

ok, fine, this is the last oil change I will ever have to pay for, as I'm selling the old girl to a friend....hopefully within a month!

I finish my sammich, and start in on my book...

Pimply guy comes back in...Um, we don't make the filter size your car needs.

I've never had this problem before...

Um, I'll be right back...

About 5 minutes pass

Yokel is still babbling...his name is Dallas, how nice.

Well, good news! I convinced my manager not to charge you for the oil change since we can't change the filter.

So, you're putting new oil in anyway?

Yep.

Huh. Ok.

Finally I make it out of there with new oil and my old filter.

Off to the post office.

Now, the post office isn't a place I ever visit.

I haven't had a reason to go since I moved....

The address is in a suburb that is just crazy with it's streets and numbering.

I figure it's off of One Big Street and head out...

I find The Street It's On +1 so I turn there....and can't find it....ok, this is looping around..and now it looks familiar...and now I'm on The Street It's On -4

Hm. Drive that loop again just to be sure.

Nope.

Grr.

Ok, it's been about an hour, I should get back to the office....

I'm on Another Big Street, in the right turn lane....WAIT

Maybe it's off of This Big Street and not That One.

So I turn and decide to turn around in the gas station...

And I see My New Car.

GRR.

The jealousy and rage bubble up...PATIENCE I remind myself.

I finally find the Post Office.

Why am I here?

I got one of those cards in my mailbox saying there was a Certified Letter that required a signature....

Great. Those are never good news.

I put it off for about a week.

So now, I'm here, at the post office

I hand it to the guy behind the counter...he looks at it, finds the letter...

You're an authorized picker-upper of Mr. Sheets?

No...why?

This is addressed to Mr. Sheets...is this your address?

No, I live next door.

Oh, well looks like the carrier messed up, sorry about that.

The card was placed in my mailbox in error.

Mother Fucker!

I was beyond frustrated when I returned to the office and then snapped at a couple of people....

Now the whole thing is a tad amusing

But just a TAD

Party Bus Extravaganza

Warning: this is a recap of the partying from the weekend!

Friday began with a drive up to Clarion, Iowa.

? ?

Yeah, I know, I wasn't sure where it was either.

102 miles from home....

But we had good reason - A Birthday Party Bus!

A Small Town Pub Crawl

Wait, but how many bars could there be in a small town?

And why the Party Bus?

Well, since all small towns only have one bar worth going to, we hit 4 (i think) small towns!

It was a nice break from the, uh, Big City Nightlife of Des Moines.

And oh boy, did I find it.

Like the first bar...serving beer only! No liquor.

And this:



On our way to the second bar, we encountered a railroad crossing....

With a stopped train.

Partiers became desperate...

They had to pee.

So, off they went, boys and girls alike...


I decided to wait...

Good thing, too, since we were pulled over on our way out of town!

It was good cop/bad cop, up first, bad cop:

ALRIGHT PEOPLE BLAHBLAHBLAH PUBLIC URINATION BLAHBLAHBLAH 500 DOLLAR FINE BLAHBLAHBLAH

Good Cop:

Okay guys, we're not going to issue any citations. Public Urination is a $500 dollar fine in this county and there was a minivan with children in it behind you at that railroad crossing. Now be safe tonight and watch yourselves.

All I could think about was how I love a man in uniform and if they had handcuffs with pink padding on them....

I wasn't alone, one chick said she was waiting for the cop to start stripping!

Hah, would have been neat since there was a stripper pole on the bus...

A humpy kind of fun was had on the pole a bit later in the night...needed to grease ourselves up with some cheap beer first....




And then there was the birthday cake:

We all returned to her house, where guitar hero was the main event and we proceeded to drink every bit of vodka we could find.....and then passed out....everywhere

I shared her children's bedroom with 6 other people...one of them snored. (not me)

I woke up on fire cuz someone turned the thermostat up to 79....

Birthday Girl made us all breakfast while we watched the

Real Housewives of Orange County marathon, incidentally, not all of them are housewives...or even married!

Whatever, it was good drivel to make fun of when you're hurtin.

Saturday, after a long-ass drive home, I laid around on my couch....all day.

About 9.30ish, I get a text....bachelor party! heading to a bar right now...

Alright, why not?

So it was me and 26 guys.

The older ones, like the father of the bride and I think her older brother or uncle or something were very interested in talking to me....

Did you know we're going to the strip club later?

Well, it IS a bachelor party...

You're going with us?! (all creepy giddy-like)

Hell yeah I am! I prolly like titties more than you do!

I made some new best friends that night.

When we got there, the father of the bride escorted me to sniffer's row and started throwing dollar bills in front of me...and asking all kinds of get-to-know-ya-BS

Strange.

After that whole thing was over - and we went to the skankiest titty bar in town - I was recruited to drive the troopers to the 'nicer' strip club.

I was about the only sober one at this point....

It was much better.

Home to the glitter pussy.

It shines like a disco ball!!

About 4ish hunger gets the best of us...

The next morning I wake up and see this above me:



Now, I understand guys are 'thrifty' and like the whole minimalist thing when it comes to decorating....

But, Come On!

Curtain rods and curtains are not difficult to install...

Sooo the successful weekend ended with me telling the Kirby guy that rang my doorbell:

Spare me the sales pitch and just shampoo my carpet.

And he did.

Cartoon Lust

I love animation, cartoons or whatever you want to call them...

I'm sure I've written of the love I have for Batman

After school cartoons, Batman the Animated Series...

That square jaw and deep voice, RAWR

We've got a special thing going on, he and I...

But lately another hero of sorts has been occupying my time...

All the snow this winter (51 inches!!) has made me a tad reclusive.

And what do you do when you can't leave the house?

(Other than masturbate furiously, which only takes up a couple hours at best...)

You watch your DVDs over and over...and play video games.

During those 'activities' I have managed to fall in lust with the Swedish Murder Machine.

I give you Brock Samson:


This sexy hunk of animated flesh is voiced by none other than Patrick Warburton

Now, that isn't something I picked up on right away.

I was too busy enjoying the pop culture references and priceless moments to read the credits...

On the third or fourth time through the second season, he said something that just made something in my head >CLICK<

Man, that sounds SO familiar!

Yes, I watched both seasons of the Venture Brothers this past Saturday...12 hours straight.

I've got priorities.

If you haven't seen it, get your ass over to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim and soak it up!

A wiki page set up by fans...

Right, the credits roll...Brock Samson...Patrick Warburton.....

Why is that so familiar....

BAM it hit me....Holy shit! That's Puddy!

Mr. Scott's iPhone quickly verified it.

I have the hots for Puddy.

Er, his voice.

Mostly it's the fact that Brock runs around naked and kills people...

Why are you naked?

To prey on their fear. Move like and animal to feel the kill

Hilarious...

I'm obsessed.

It's maddening.

Do check it out!!

Is my nerd hanging out yet?