can't sleep, heart is broken

I think about you. All the time.

I wake up at least once a night. Usually around 4 am.

Tonight, it’s earlier.

it’s been over a week since we last talked or had any contact.

That’s the longest it’s ever been since we met on december 6

I really miss you. I miss what we had.

i miss Sunday mornings

…high school Wednesday nights

…dinner with everyone

…waking up to a ‘good night cutie :)’ text message

…that wonderful feeling that no matter what, you’re there for me

I miss being loved and loving you.

You were my best friend for six months, someone I could trust and tell anything

I think I miss that part the most.

Even though I turned the corner and realized that you probably did the right thing, (I may still be convincing myself) this still hurts

A lot.

it’s hard to believe that this is what you wanted, I betyou would say, ‘it’s not what I wanted, but what I needed to do. I didn’t want to hurt you and believe me, I miss you too.’

Freedom

So I was dumped.

Looking back at the whole thing, the long drawn out process, really, why did it take a month?

Holding on to what I thought was something special and 'right'

Well, maybe it was for a little bit, but in hindsight, he did the right thing - why would I want to be with some one that can't make me a priority?!

I've turned a corner.

I'm finished with the whole thing.

I'm sick of talking about it.

I'm done!

Freedom.

Time to focus on me and the things I want to do (and improve) in my life.

I've been busy learning new dances, swing in particular, much different than all the latin dancing I've learned in the past

Swing is down n dirty compared to traditional ballroom, bent and loose knees, lower frame, very close to your partner...

A bit more real

Way fun!!

I'd like to compete in dance one day, call it a life goal :)

This is an amazing video of some Charleston moves, both 20s and 30s, with a little modern flair:

Fatty Spice

At 160 pounds I am the heaviest and fattest I've ever been.

I've gained 10 pounds over the last year that I like to attribute to emotional eating as a result of grief and hanging out with Fat Kids at massive buffets on Fridays.

I've been far too lazy.

Time for a change.

No more complaining

No more excuses

This time, I really mean it.

I've committed to an intense 10 week program: Farrell's Extreme BodyShaping

Six days a week of cardio and resistance training and a specific way to eat.

I'm going to turn myself into a muscle building machine

Today was orientation.

Meet your coaches, do sit-ups, push-ups, sit n reach, run a mile, get your gear, find out your body fat percentage, receive your manual.

My new bible.

I'm going to nerd out on all the info in the next couple of days and research my favorite places to eat out so I know what and how much I can eat when I feel I REALLY need to go out....

Starting Point

Weight: 161
Body Fat: 29%
Sit n reach: 12.25"
Sit-ups: 21
Push-ups: 20
Mile time: 11:03
Heart rate before steps: 94
Heart rate after steps: 121
Hips: 44"
Waist: 35"

Terrible numbers if you ask me!

Improvement is the goal, specific numbers to follow...maybe...

Yay! Go me!

A slimmer, healthier, more disciplined Spice will be the result :)

Day-After Update:

Holy crap I'm sore!!

where do we go from here?

Things have been looking up for me lately

I decided to look for another job

I may have figured out what kind of career I actually want

I signed up for an intense workout program to get into shape

I've been extremely happy to have someone to share all of this with, and to have his support.

But now, we are in limbo.

He is sending me mixed signals.

Possibly one of the most frustrating situations in life is dealing with mixed signals.

He doesn't know what he wants.

He only knows what he doesn't want: a committed relationship.

Were you doing a reality check and all of a sudden realized that, holy crap, I'm in a committed relationship?

Not exactly, but close.

I've just been enjoying you and your company and didn't really think about it...

I care about you, a lot, and I want you in my life. But I don't want a committed relationship, I feel trapped.

Why?

I don't know.

Basically, it boils down to he doesn't know what he wants, only that he doesn't want a committed relationship. Nevermind the fact that he's been in one for a couple of months.

He just didn't realize it.

I am frustrated because this has nothing to do with me. I've been great, wonderful, perfect, I didn't do anything wrong he tells me.

So I shouldn't take this personally?

This is your problem and you need to figure it out.

Let me throw in one little thing...

I'm kind of an 'all or nothing' type of girl.

I'm in love with you. I can't just be your friend.

You won't let me be your girlfriend.

What is in between?

Friends with benefits? How do expect us to turn back the dial to something you consider 'together' but not 'a committed relationship'?

I said it's all or nothing with me. That is usually true. I can't go back after falling in love with you. I'm willing to try whatever you come up with to make this work. To keep you in my life.

But if I feel as if I'm accepting less than I deserve, then I'll say so.

If you can't give me what you said I deserve then what choice do I have but to leave?

(You've been doing more than fulfilling my needs so far. Are you afraid you can't please me in a relationship? If so, that's ridiculous! You have been wonderful to me, the best man I've ever had the pleasure of dating.)

You are indecisive. I make decisions when you won't.

Please don't make me decide on this one.

I want you. I want what we've had for the past 5 months to continue.

So far, it's turned into a committed relationship, without even trying. I'm not sure it's something I wanted, but I'm open to it.

Yes, I'm freaked out by it too, but I think that's normal. What we have is worth more than a little freak out to me.

Are you being the typical man?

Yes, and no.

Yes, you're afraid of commitment. No, because you actually want to talk about it. You brought it up. You wanted to 'figure out where we're at'

We're in a committed relationship.

We love each other. (You may not say it, but it's in all the things you do)

We have more fun with each other than any other people I know.

Everything was going so well. We have a good balance of time together and time apart.

So why is this turning into a cliche?

It's not you it's me. It's bad timing. If I did want a committed relationship, I'd want it with you.

All things I've heard before.

Right before they broke my heart.

You say you don't wan to hurt me. You want me in your life. You care about me a great deal.

What am I supposed to do?

Act like nothing is going on?

Give you space so you can figure this out?

I want this. Do you? Will you please try?

I'm hoping that after you talk to other people about this and do some thinking that you'll come to your senses.

That you're being an idiot. That what we have is good for you and if you just get used to the idea of a committed relationship being a good thing then it'll all be fine.

We have something amazing going on. Please don't ruin it.

I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok. Is it?

Why are you afraid of commitment? Why do you feel trapped?

These are the questions that you need to answer.

I wish I could help, but I don't think there's anything I can do.

I'm a SuperStar!

A few months ago, or something like that, Man Mountain (my boyfriend!!) , decided to go out and buy an xbox 360.

Retail.

At Best Buy.

Are you freakin crazy?!

Then I hopped on ebay...

I scored him a nice elite version, better than the impulse buy, for half what he paid.

He was impressed.

I've got mad ebay skillz.

Games, games, and more games followed.

Then came RockBand 2 and an extra guitar...

I had never played Guitar Hero or the first Rock Band when this 60 pound box showed up at work one day...

We became Addicted.

He has two roommates.

I hang out there all the time.

Voila! A band.

The first time we were all present to play everyone was a bit shy when it came to handling the microphone.

Not Dimes.

He grabbed that thing and butchered a couple of songs.

I had taken a break from Bass to eat some leftovers when Man Mountain decided to give it a try.

Man in the Box by Alice in Chains.

Total High School for me, I loved that song.

The song started and....I was horrified.

So much so that I had to steal it away from him and finish the song myself!

And it was good.

I really really enjoyed it!

Man Mountain was stunned.

You're good at this!

I've only sung karaoke a few times, and always the same couple of songs....

Though I sing in my car all the time and always listen to music cranked up, so I don't miss anything...look up lyrics in case I can't extract them myself...and have a good memory too

Guess who sings every time we play?

Me!

There are quite a few songs that I've never heard or am unfamiliar with in the game

So what do I do?

"Research"

Download a few songs and practice in the car!

I can consistently score in the high 90s and even 100% at Medium.

Hard is a different story.

The jump from Medium to Hard is much more difficult than the Easy to Medium jump.

You sing different parts of the song in some cases!

Man Mountain offered to make a CD of all the songs I want to practice....

How sweet!

My home internet stealing is back on, and this time I think it's for good...

More updates soon, there is much to tell.

(and my camera has finally been fixed!!)

Oh and I think all this 'panic' about swine flu is retarded.

I's Alive, I Swear!

The Pi is around...yes I said I was going to be getting back into the blogging thing, but yeah

well, didn't turn out the way I wanted, huh?

The network I was tappin at home figured it out and I'm in the internet dark once again.

I have to go to Man Mountain's place to have all my internet fun!

Now that I've finally got my laptop bag and accessories all sorted out, I'm mobile, I will be blogging (or at least stockpiling posts and pooping it all out on the weekend)

But, hey, better than nothing!

Ketchup

November brought Thanksgiving...

One of the best food holidays!

The Family decided at the Pumpkin Carving Party to have a Thanksgiving dinner

I graciously volunteered to do the turkey and a few sides...

I've never made a turkey so I was pumped

I started looking up recipes, tips and tricks, and even hit up my mother

A few days before the dinner I found out we were going to have more people than expected

Usually a great thing, except I didn't have enough turkey!

Begin: Turkey Drama, Tuesday

To make things more complicated I decided to fry the second turkey.

I've never fried a turkey.

Dinner is on Saturday

I work till 10ish on Tuesday nights so I figured I would go to Walmart since it's down the street and pick up another fresh turkey and some tasty goodness to inject into it

I tossed the turkey in the frig and went to bed...

The next night I made the brine for the 'regular' turkey and then had plans with a hottie...

Thursday night I injected my original fresh turkey (from costco) with Creole Butter (think I'll try jalapeno butter next time)

Quite the experience, piercing, nay, stabbing a turkey in so many spots with a syringe filled with a deliciously fragrant fluid...

All I had to do was open the Walmart turkey and place it in the pot of brine to soak overnight

I pulled it out of the frig....cut off the net...and realized it was FROZEN

Yes, in my fuzzy haste on Tuesday night I grabbed a frozen turkey.

At this point it was 11:15 and I was tired.

Fine. I'll go to the grocery store in the morning, pick up a fresh turkey, come home, unpack it and stick it in the brine, then go to work.

Hyvee at 7:30am is a madhouse.

People getting coffee at Starbucks, buying donuts, eating breakfast etc. etc.

I wander around, admiring the chaos, and finally find the fresh turkeys.

They cost twice as much as the ones at Costco.

Fuck that.

I am NOT paying twice as much for my second turkey!

So I suck it up and go to work.

I relay the whole story to everyone.

They have no problem when I leave just before 10 to get to Costco to buy another turkey...

I get it home, and start unpacking it...it's fresh but...still really really cold

Hands freezing, I had to resort to cutting the skin holding the drumsticks together.

Bummer

There was no way I was getting into the top cavity so I dumped it into the brine with the innards still inside...they're sealed, it'll be fine.

I make it back to work, amazingly, in an hour.

That night I baked my butt off.

2 pumpkin pies (from real pumpkins, not a can) and a black & white cheesecake (100% scratch) later...it was 2 am!

Oh yeah, I made cranberry sauce from scratch too, easy and way better than the can

Saturday, up early, pack up the car and off I go...

I've never cooked the main entree for more than 8 people...we ended up having 11

Aside from the turkeys, dessert, and cranberry sauce, I also roasted some butternut squash, and made the stuffing and gravy!

It wasn't my place but I had the run of the kitchen, cleaning up here n there while the Man of the House, whose main duty at home is to clean, kept telling me not to, he'll take care of it...

I was in The Zone.

I really enjoyed it!

The food was great, if you've never had a fried turkey, I HIGHLY recommend it.

Crispy on the outside, succulent and flavorful on the inside.

It was the only dish that was completely devoured.

I loved it so much I requested a turkey fryer for Christmas.

It may be one of the those things you'd buy your worst enemy, in the hopes that he/she wouldn't follow directions or take the necessary precautions and blow something up

I'm willing to risk it.

It's the closest you can get to heaven on this planet.

photo frenzy

I just burned an hour and a half uploading, naming, and organizing hundreds of photos! (and watching a bowl game...)

Long breaks from Internet Life are not recommended!

Ok...so what have I been up?

In October I had my second annual Pumpkin Carving Party

It was bigger than the first and a great time!

I carved 5 pumpkins this year and spent a whopping $85 at the pumpkin farm

Yep I got some poor sap to drive me up to the farm (again) just so I could buy primo carving pumpkins

And some pie pumpkins, of course

The first three pumpkins were destined to be included in a basket of halloween items for a charity auction

As you can see, they are fabulous, my boss even suggested I start charging people for them (he'd buy one)



Huh. Maybe :)

After the party a few of us went to the Champps Karaoke Finals to cheer on our own while they sang Afternoon Delight in costume (they took second place and won $50)

I even got up there to sing one of my favorites, I Touch Myself

It was okay, I'd have to say it's the toughest karaoke I've ever done, I was only a half a beer deep and couldn't hear myself!

No speakers in front of me. Bummer.

I decided to dress up for work at the last minute and ran out to buy all the thing I'd need to be an 80s Office Worker Zombie

I was rummaging through the racks at GoodWill when I found IT

The kind of find you just HAVE to buy.

A bright orange polyester leisure suit:

And it only cost me $6

I was chosen as a costume judge again this year for work...

When I walked into HQ, no one recognized me

(I was sporting my baby pink glitter platforms as well)

I called myself Hot Tequila Brown, after one of my favorite Jamiroquai songs

I was amazed at how well the suit fit me, and damn was it hot!

Cruella is my way awesome coworker Jeni, we were the only two to dress up in our office!

She totally won best costume.

Newsflash: Grief affects your judgement

Being totally head-fucked is the only rational explanation for my poor dating choice late last year

(At least that's what I'm telling myself)

It was about this time last year that I finally put an end to the whole thing

Yep, a few days after Christmas.

It's been a year so I figured it's time to tell all...

And I hate myself a little too when I think about it.

Why the hell was I so NICE?!

He's a pompous jackass, and I let him down easy

Why?

Because we work together. I figured even though we don't directly work with each other, we still occupy some of the same space 40+ hours a week

I wanted to avoid the weirdness...

So, what happened?

Like most things that go wrong, it happened in stages.

Ok, it all started one night when we went out to dinner.

We were having a good time, enjoying our burgers at Granite City

He freaked out.

He got all wide-eyed and starting babbling about me being a druggie

But....but NO, wait...You're a....a DRUGGIE?!

What the fuck are you talking about, I'm not a druggie.

But, but I don't want to think of you that way, you're not like that, are you? Drugs are so, so bad for you...

It basically went on like that for the rest of dinner.

He didn't say much the rest of the night, only that he needed to think about stuff.

Wow.

I later found out that he doesn't even take ibuprofen or aspirin, he prefers to handle things 'the natural way' cause anything else will pollute you.

Egh, he got over it, or so he said...

Right, I know, should have dumped him for his behavior and crazy ideas.

Strike two came one night when we were watching Heroes and I commented on how hot and tasty Hayden Panettiere is and how I wanted to do naughty things to her...

Normally, guys are all over a comment like this, and start asking probing questiones

He was all over it, but in a different way.

More of a priestly concern laced his question.

Cue freak out number two.

That's disgusting. Oh my god, are you gay?

That is so wrong, I can't believe you've done that

He was being absolutely serious.

I belive Pornography came up in this discussion too

To which he replied Pornography is disgusting. It's like watching two animals fuck.

Ok, so watching Animal Planet is the same as porn?!

Basically, we are different kinds of players in the game of life.

I'm on the field actually playing, participating in life.

He's on the sidelines, watching, learning from everyone's mistakes.

That may do the trick for some people, but I say How Boring.

Sure, learning by doing and making your own mistakes may be sometimes be considered 'the hard way' but, so what?

There's plenty of fun to be had in all of life's experiences, even if, in hindsight, it was a mistake.

The last straw is pretty much laid out in this post, but the one little thing I left out, the thing that was said that cannot be unsaid, well, he sat down on the bed next to me, looked me straight in the eye and called me a whore.

Yes, really.

A week or so after that, he sent me flowers at work.

The card said Let's talk.

Soooo what do you want to talk about?

Well I wanted to let you know that I've decided to accept you for who you are.

Hah.

A little late for that, don'tcha think?

I hadn't planned on ever explaining this whole thing but I heard a few things about him last week that prompted me to tell the world about how strange I think he is

Apparently in the last year, his social skills haven't improved

A few coworkers were on a volleyball team, naturally they head out for drinks afterward

He rates women. He says he's never met a woman above a six. And if she is above a six there has to be something wrong with her, like she's dumb or a complete bitch.

There were guys at the table that I would consider assholes and they all just sat there and didn't back him up...

Right, so he's a pig too.

In reality, he's one of those people that is so over the top homophobic that he's probably gay.

Ahhh, it's nice to finally get that out!

The Private Life

I've been living the Private Life lately

The life I had before I started blogging, myspacing, facebooking, flickring etc etc

What have I been up to?

Have I been alright?

Why haven't I blogged in a long time?

Motivation.

Blah-ness

A desire for a little privacy?

Time to come out of hiding

There have been plenty of blog-worthy happenings in the last couple of months, material is not the problem

I actually come up with blog ideas when I'm trying to fall asleep.

I've come really REALLY close to getting out of bed and actually typing some of them out.

(obviously, I haven't)

One of the many things that have hindered my blogging is my home computer.

It's a piece of shit.

It's in the extra bedroom.

Less than 6 feet from the cat boxes.

I don't have a comfy computer chair.

I use a large tupperware like container (it has my off-season clothes in it!)

Not exactly conducive to blogging and long stints on the interweb.

No more!

I now have a spiffy new laptop :D

Ah, yes, I will now be blogging comfortably from my favorite piece of furni: my couch <3

Let the updates begin...

2008 Election

Yeah, yeah, I haven't blogged in awhile...

It's 'Election Eve' and I just wanted to do a little post

I could say things like Tomorrow, history will be made and the world will change forever

Well, I'm not, there's plenty of that going around already

It's such a huge deal that I get this odd little tickle that whomever is elected won't make it through his first term... weird.

I'm not a doomsday type, and I'm not sure where it's coming from, but, I guess we'll see...

Bummer.

Especially since Obama is going to win.

One Year

The day after the Iowa vs. Iowa State day last year was the day my father died.

Today is the day after the Iowa vs. Iowa State game.

The exact date, the 16th, is Tuesday.

I've been more emotional than usual this past week, but today, the actual day, I'm ok.

This has been typical for the anniversaries over the past year.

I'm not falling apart or even feel like crying.

I'm actually a little relieved.

Relieved that the first year of grief is over.

It's been a tough year for me and I'm glad it's done.

I wonder if the first year of grieving is the most difficult?

So much has changed. I've changed.

I'm still getting used to who I am.

One of the people that has always been in my life is gone.

Hard to wrap my head around that sometimes...

Today is the day my dad passed away.

I miss you, dad, and I'll always love you

Football is Back!!

It's opening weekend for the NFL and I couldn't be happier

Finally, something worth watching on Sunday!

Right now my beloved Bears are leading the Colts 15-6 at half-time

Amazing! Go Bears!

I'm still looking for that Bears hoodie I was forced into buying one awful day in January last year at O'Hare airport

You know I way over paid for it.

Tailgating, tippy cup, bags, Monday Night Football at the bar, rivalries, and shouting at the television begins once again

I heart Football.

Today is Their Day!

Chad and Danielle are getting married!!

After many months of preparations, the day has finally come

I had the pleasure of meeting them almost 2 years ago in Vancouver

Here we are in Gastown with Neil



After spending some time with them I knew they were totally into each other, even though they wouldn't admit it....

It's hard to ignore the chemistry they have!

What a good fit :)

Congratulations!!

Tonsillectomy Pics

Mother was nice enough to take pictures of me before and after surgery

Before:


After:


The healing process, day 3:

My tongue is all discolored because it's bruised from where they clamped it and pulled it out.

Eeww, I know!

The white nasty stuff is the scabbing....

As you can see, my left tonsil (on the right) was much bigger, and that side hurts more

Liquid vicodin is doing the trick...not sure how I'm going to ween myself off of it enough to make it to work though!

Even though I'm sure it doesn't hurt nearly as much as some sore throats I've had without any drugs, after you get used to not feeling the pain, why would you go back?

Right now soup and ice cream are my best friends.

Twin Tonsil Extraction - Recovery

I made it!

We arrived at Mercy Medical Center early, and then wandered around for about 10 minutes before we found the right spot.

It looked like any old doctor's office, nothing like a serious surgery spot or anything like that!

Which helped me relax.

It's Ear Nose and Throat Day at the Ambulatory Surgery Center.

Deviated septums, ear tubes, tonsillectomies, the works!

Lots of kids' parents in the waiting room...

I get checked in, am issued a bracelet and then taken back to be prepped

The Anesthesiologist came to talk to me, he was a big kinda scary guy that stared me in the eye the entire time

I got a neat gown to wear, but keep your underpants on she said

Tie in the back.

Oh yeah, glad I wore some fancy underpants.

A nice IV was stuck in my right hand, fluids fluids fluids

Can't stress enough how important being hydrated is for this process

The pre-op nurse told me all about it.

Then the doctor

Then the Operating Room Nurse.

Lucky you, you have your mom here to take care of you and she's a nurse!

Finally it was time to head in to surgery...

They walked me down a hall, into a room that looked very serious

I laid down on a narrow table, with dents in it so you know where you should be, pretty comfortable really

They started putting stickies all over to monitor my vitals

Anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my face, breathe deeply about 3 or 4 times

That stuff smells bad!

I don't even remember drifting off

Next thing I do remember is coming out of a strange dream, being wheeled into stage 1 recovery

Damn, that was quick. (Mom said it was about 20 minutes)

My tongue hurts.

I'm annoyed by the oxygen thing in my nose.

My lips are dry.

I'm thirsty.

The nurse brings over a cotton swab of vaseline and smears it all over my lips

I have to wait an hour before I get anything to drink

My throat hurts a little, but not too bad

A guy is wheeled in next to me, I can't see him but he's not cooperating with everyone

I try to look and they pull the curtain.

Finally time to go to stage 2 recovery, where mom can join me.

They wheel my bed over there, how did I end up in this thing anyway?

I get to sit in a comfy recliner with warm blankets, my IV, and a crushed up popsicle

Best thing I've ever had!

There are whining screaming children in the recovery 'rooms' on either side of me

I'm a little out of it, coming off the anesthetic...

My throat didn't hurt that badly....huh

I go to the bathroom, fluids are going right through me, and check out my throat

It looks like they took an ice cream scooper to it!

Two hollowed out sections

They said I had huge tonsils too.

From the big voids in there, I believe them!

I'll see if I can get a pic, but let me tell ya, now that they're scabbing over, it's not pretty

Like, REALLY not pretty.

Scabs in your mouth are all white.

Like when you get a scab on your knee wet? It starts to get soft and white and falls off?

Yep, just like that.

Gross.

The pain medicine tastes pretty pleasant and yes I'm very diligent about taking it every four hours.

Even waking up in the middle of the night to do it.

Makes me a little dizzy but takes care of the pain quickly!

Though, without it, I don't think it'd hurt that bad, I've had some terrible sore throats in my day, when I could barely swallow my own spit

This isn't as bad!

My tongue does hurt a bit, where they clamped it and pulled it out no doubt.

Ick, what a picture.

Having all those fluids made me feel awesome btw

I should drink tons and tons of water all the time. Holy crap, it's uncanny how good I felt.

I'm enjoying my soups, sherbet, scrambled eggs, water, more soup, wash, rinse repeat...

Mom is taunting me with chips and hummus.

Not fair!

No chips for me for a long time :(

slow, like honey,

my tears drip down my cheeks

i'm reading about the benefit of funerals when it hits me

a wave of grief

remembering the funeral home

the countless hours spent there.

cements the fact that you're dead.

gone.

just a body lying there in the casket.

helps those of us left behind to face reality.

i'm sad. i'm frustrated. i'm feeling left out. i hate it.

i'm having surgery, no matter how minor, it is surgery, and you won't be here or even make a phone call to express concern

or relief that everything went ok

to check up and see how i'm doing

why is it easier to cry alone

i don't want it to be this way

how do i tell you

i want help. i'm stubborn.

you may not understand, but someone has to be first. just happens to be me.

i'm a different person now, it's confusing

how much will return to 'normal' and how much will not

such a lonely place

the book calls this a grief spasm.

i'm not going to be feeling well soon

that's when it always hits me.

won't i be a charming little mess in a few days.

gentle poetic grief...ha, not mine. not now. must be an invention of time.

frustrated angry grief. so much left unsaid grief.

why. so many whys.

some things are making more sense.

others never will.

sleep. you dirty stranger you.

someday.

It's Time

Oh, yes.

It's Time.

I'm voluntarily giving up body parts on Wednesday.

Yes, it's true.

They're coming out.

The tonsils.

My tonsils.

I say bring on the pain....and then the pain medication!

I've read a bit about adult recovery from a tonsillectomy.

Ice chips.

Icing your neck.

Never miss a dose of the happy elixir.

No straws.

Lots and lots of liquids.

Constant bathroom breaks.

Lovely, suddenly I'm retired.

I'm a little nervous.

And a little not.

Mother asked me if I knew where all my 'important papers' were...

Mortgage, car, 401k, life insurance....etc etc

How morbidly necessary.

If I'm not too fuzzy, well, even if I am...I will blog this lovely experience....

Ugh, now I have to clean the toilets.

Mother is coming after all...

Donkey Ride

I've had 3 dates in the last 4 days!

Date #1 was by far the most fucked up experience.

He contacted me via a website for Sugar Daddies to meet potential Sugar Babies.

He's the type that likes to spoil his lady.

He's 41, single, prolly has 'summer kids', and makes a lot of money.

(summer kids - some are here some are there...)

How do I know these things?

He made sure to repeat himself over and over.

Aside from all of that, he's about 6' tall, really buff, and swears he doesn't like to show it off, yet he wore a really tight shirt.

Despite his manly appearance, he has a very effeminate voice!

Call me shallow, but how do you cope with that?!

He makes a lot of money.

Luckily other issues came up so I didn't have to resort to shallowness.

I'm really very honored and pleased that you decided to have dinner with me tonight.

A nice statement....the FIRST time he said it.

I swear I heard it at LEAST a dozen more times...

Then he started in on the Ex.

He's only been single for a month and a half.

They dated for 3.5 years.

REBOUND.

And, of course, bitch was crazy.

Oh yeah, he makes a lot of money too.

He started in on how he'd love to fly me here, fly me there, first class, did you know I bought that bitch a $12,000 Gucci bag and when I got to our house by the lake her family was helping her move MY shit out of MY house that I PAID FOR.

SIGH.

The insecurity, the constant interruption, and reminders that he makes a lot of money pretty much killed it for me.

The voice was the nail in the coffin.

I was damn near giving him dating advice at the end of it all.

Right after he tried to make me PROMISE that I'd go out with him again.

Did I mention he makes a lot of money?

The whole thing was really sad and pathetic but I couldn't bring myself to be a bitch about it.

Like I would have in the past.

No, no I'm going to be NICE.

Why on earth....?

I don't know!

After he left me at the bar with some of his colleagues that just so happened to be there - to run off to his next date I found out - guess what happened?

They started hitting on me.

Sure the one was really cute, but talk about baggage:

36, in process of getting divorced for the second time, house in the burbs, 3 kids, and 6 cats!

Ouch.

(Date #2)

I went out with him anyway cuz he makes me laugh.

I know that prolly won't go anywhere, but we had fun.

One thing I absolutely HATE and I'm not sure why....he called and texted me the next day.

And the day after that.

I can handle a text if it's short and requires no response.

Anything else is too much.

I feel crowded.

Date #3

The Elusive MySpace friend.

Yes, I meet people from MySpace.

Usually, if I really want to meet them, it's within 5 emails.

We've probably traded messages for a good 6 months...at least. I can't even remember.

And a few phone calls here n there.

Total surfer dude.

Also has baggage:

Crazy Ex that up and moved to Iowa then filed for full custody while he was still living in Cali. He had to leave his house and spanking new beamer to move here asap to make the court date.

What a bitch.

32ish years old, two boys: 3 and 5

Funny, nice, looks older than he is, but no spark.

Total Friend Zone.

My stock is blowing up in the online dating world, it's craziness!

I may or may not meet my next boyfriend in the next month, but hey, at this rate, 1/3 are Duds, 1/3 are new friends, and 1/3 potential flings...maybe a sliver of those are possible boyfriends?

And free food!

Built-in Friends

Or as many of you may know them: Roommates

Depending on how Crazy-Cat Lady I'm feeling, I may or may not have 2 roommates.

Furry bitches....

Roommates are a curious breed.

I've only had 2 roommates since I moved out of the college dorms

The first was my Bible-Thumping-Nebraska-far-raised-our-section-of-the-dorm-in-charge-person

RA, or whatever they call them...

The most memorable moments were always Sunday mornings....

When, uh, one of my 'Tutees' and I would emerge from my room (after a long night of tutoring), to a moment some might consider awkward:

Um, good morning, Chandra....this is....(insert name here)....

Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you (name)

I'm going to take him home now....

We bolted out the door as quickly as possible.

What was so awkward about it?

She was usually sitting on the couch reading the BIBLE in complete silence.

Though I have to hand it to her, she never lectured me or anything...I never even noticed a raised eyebrow.

Bless her heart.

She was a pretty good roommate actually.

The next one, not so.

He turned out to be an alcoholic.

Had to kick him out after 6 months.

I would come home some nights, man in tow, to The Drunk so wasted he couldn't even form WORDS, in the kitchen wielding a butcher knife, cutting up a chicken and making a marinade.

That or he'd be passed out on the toilet, pants around his ankles, leather jacket still on, beer in hand, door wide open...

Or worse....(what could be worse?!)

The above scenario, only NAKED

After that, it's been solo (plus two cats and numerous fish)

Can you blame me?

Anyway, I'm the only member of one of my groups of friends, The Family, that lives alone.

No built-in friends.

No one to say, hey, how was your day?

No 'default companion' for activities

If I want to go to a movie, say right now, I'd most likely have to go it alone.

Well, surely you could just call some one?

Sure, I could, but that takes work.

Yes, friendship takes work.

I am lazy.

Not the best combination.

Point is, I have a lot of Me Time.

I used to love Love LOVE Me Time.

Too much of a good thing...well it gets boring.

Funny how it changes from day to day too.

I can go a whole weekend without having a conversation with someone.

When was the last time you did that?!

It leaves a lot of time for thinking, which is probably good for me....and not good for me at the same time.

Like, thinking about all of the things I feel I SHOULD be doing...or kinda WANT to do...

For example, exercising.

The whole playing soccer thing, even though I'm sore as fuck afterwards, I also feel damn good.

Gimme more a dat!

Or that long-long-so-long-it's-never-ending list of Home Improvement Projects.

Ack.

Or this comical it's-been-up-so-long-I'll-have-to-scrub-the-fuck-out-of-it-to-erase-it Shit to do List?

My friends have lovingly added to it.

And if there's a guy hanging around, it never fails, he'll write his name right under 'Shit to do'

Double Ack.

How about, where's my motivation?!

that's the first one I need to answer.