Friday, December 28, 2007

She did what?!

The Pi will enter 2008 a single gal...

Yes, the co-worker thing wasn't working out for me.

I broke it off on the 27th...

It seems a rather sudden and hasty decision, doesn't it?

Because it was.

I went from asking someone to watch my kitties cuz we were going to his parents' place this I think I'm going to break up with him.

In 2 hours.

I started thinking about leaving asap after work on Friday to make the 3 hour drive to NW Iowa...and I became anxious.

I've been experiencing Anxiety Attacks for about 8 months, not sure why.

I had my longest and scariest attack the first time we drove up there.

Sitting here in my cubicle, freaking out about going up there to do his family Christmas, really got me thinking.

Why am I freaking out!?

I don't want to go. In fact, I'm dreading it.

That's not a good sign.

There have been lots of bad signs the last few weeks actually.

It all started two weeks ago with the trip to my grandmother's house in Southern Illinois.

A grueling 8.5 hour drive.

The last night we were there some shit happened that changed everything.

Privacy was not respected, as a result questions about a topic I said I'd never discuss were asked.

There are things in this world that once you say them, you can't unsay them.

No matter how much you didn't mean it, or how sorry you are.

It's been said.

The toothpaste is out of the tube.

He said one of those things.

I almost walked out and said Fuck This.

I knew he didn't mean it.

But that doesn't change the fact that it hurt deeply.

Somehow we patched things up.

After that everything changed.

He pointed out to me one day that my demeanor towards him wasn't the same as before.

Before that night in Southern Illinois.

I thought I had coped with that whole thing pretty well. I thought I was over it.

Guess not.

On the drive back I told him that I needed some space.

This is something that I had been putting off for a couple of weeks...shame on you Pi.

Not like, we need to take a break space, more like, I need time to myself and with friends space.

Y'know, the good kind of space.

I was feeling a bit smothered.

When I start to feel that way, usually I run.

It's too much.

This was not taken lightly.

His inexperience with relationships led him to believe that I was pushing him away.


Not the case.

People in a healthy relationship still have their own lives.

I felt like mine was slipping away.

He only moved here a few months ago and doesn't really have one...

The whole thing became really frustrating.

Think about your relationships in high school.

That's what this was like for me.

Dating someone without any foundation!

But you can mold him any way you want

Pfft. I don't have that kind of patience!

The other signs that started popping up in the last few weeks were that I didn't really miss him when I was in Chicago for 5 days.

Sure, I said I did, but sometimes you just go through the motions...

Hopefully one can realize when that's actually happening, that there's no actual feeling there.

I started thinking about dating other people...

Oh he's cute, wonder if we could have a drink sometime...

It's not the thought that bothered me, it's that I really wanted to ACT on it.

Then there are our differences.

He's rather conservative.

I'm not.

Thinking that maybe it's a good thing, maybe it will bring us closer together since there are so many different things to learn about each other...

I think there were differences that, in the long run, would only tear us apart.

It would have taken a large amount of work.

I'm not afraid of putting forth a large amount of effort to make a relationship work, but this time, I had to pass.

With nothing to build on...the time it would have taken...

Sometimes, I felt like he was trying to control me, not in a vindictive way, but it was there.

I felt like I couldn't be myself.

I can't say things about certain experiences I've had, it will upset him.

Fuck that.

I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now, I don't need this kind of stress.

The last sign, the one that put the nail in the coffin, is that once I decided to break up with him, I was relieved!

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

A relationship should not feel like a burden.

To me, ours did.

So I had to let it go.

I'll miss you, I will.

But not for long.

If I regret it, so be it.

I have a right to be wrong. My mistakes make me strong.

Time to start the New Year...


Christopher said...

Sorry to hear that it didn't work out, but it sounds like you made the decision for the right reasons.

I feel as though you should never have to censor your past with your significant other... sometimes you might want to, but you should never have to!!

Go get 'em Tiger!

Spicy Little Pi said...

I completely agree.

I'm very excited about this new start and, of course, I have a few prospects in mind ; )