DSM, we need to talk...

I'm taking ballroom dance classes at the moment.

I love it.

I've learned basics for the waltz, tango, rumba, and cha-cha.

rumba and cha-cha are my faves so far...

So every Monday I rush around from work to work-out to home, shower, eat, speed to dance class

I live near the largest consumption mecca in the metro in a disgustingly suburban neighborhood full of identical looking condo and town-home developments.

Barf.

Dance class is on the north side of the city of Des Moines. There's no quick way to get there.

I end up driving through a few different neighborhoods on my way there, most notably, Beaverdale.

Beaverdale is an older 'hood with mature trees, brick houses set closely together and back from the street, and is generally a nice place.

It reminds me of parts of Chicago.

It has more of a city feel. It's quite a bit more inviting than where I live.

I love that part of my Monday.

It makes me miss living in a large city.

While visiting Mom this past weekend for the July Fourth festivities, I got a good talkin' to.

By Mom's business partner.

I've heard this speech a few times over the past few years, but I'm only it getting now.

Like, REALLY getting it.

I'm grossly under-paid.

My company is in shambles and the outlook is grim-to-uncertain.

I have a handful of (mostly crappy) friends.

I hate where I live.

I'm single.

I have a college education.

I grew up in a big city.

I live in the suburbs of Des Moines, Iowa.

What The Fuck.

I've never felt like Des Moines was Home, not really a good fit.

Young, single, educated people should live in large bustling cities with lots of other young, single, educated people, in my mind anyway!

and make enough money so a second job is unnecessary. savings are a reality. travel occurs often.

There's plenty of time to waste away in a suburb if/when I have that whole husband/kids/dog scenario going on...

What's holding me back?

Nothing, really.

There's no good reason to stay where I am.

Time to move.

Des Moines, you're fired!

Plan: complete all unfinished home improvement projects, then de-clutter and simplify, talk to realtors, pick one and list condo, also, look for job in Chicago

Scary...

Exciting...

can't sleep, heart is broken

I think about you. All the time.

I wake up at least once a night. Usually around 4 am.

Tonight, it’s earlier.

it’s been over a week since we last talked or had any contact.

That’s the longest it’s ever been since we met on december 6

I really miss you. I miss what we had.

i miss Sunday mornings

…high school Wednesday nights

…dinner with everyone

…waking up to a ‘good night cutie :)’ text message

…that wonderful feeling that no matter what, you’re there for me

I miss being loved and loving you.

You were my best friend for six months, someone I could trust and tell anything

I think I miss that part the most.

Even though I turned the corner and realized that you probably did the right thing, (I may still be convincing myself) this still hurts

A lot.

it’s hard to believe that this is what you wanted, I betyou would say, ‘it’s not what I wanted, but what I needed to do. I didn’t want to hurt you and believe me, I miss you too.’

Freedom

So I was dumped.

Looking back at the whole thing, the long drawn out process, really, why did it take a month?

Holding on to what I thought was something special and 'right'

Well, maybe it was for a little bit, but in hindsight, he did the right thing - why would I want to be with some one that can't make me a priority?!

I've turned a corner.

I'm finished with the whole thing.

I'm sick of talking about it.

I'm done!

Freedom.

Time to focus on me and the things I want to do (and improve) in my life.

I've been busy learning new dances, swing in particular, much different than all the latin dancing I've learned in the past

Swing is down n dirty compared to traditional ballroom, bent and loose knees, lower frame, very close to your partner...

A bit more real

Way fun!!

I'd like to compete in dance one day, call it a life goal :)

This is an amazing video of some Charleston moves, both 20s and 30s, with a little modern flair:

Fatty Spice

At 160 pounds I am the heaviest and fattest I've ever been.

I've gained 10 pounds over the last year that I like to attribute to emotional eating as a result of grief and hanging out with Fat Kids at massive buffets on Fridays.

I've been far too lazy.

Time for a change.

No more complaining

No more excuses

This time, I really mean it.

I've committed to an intense 10 week program: Farrell's Extreme BodyShaping

Six days a week of cardio and resistance training and a specific way to eat.

I'm going to turn myself into a muscle building machine

Today was orientation.

Meet your coaches, do sit-ups, push-ups, sit n reach, run a mile, get your gear, find out your body fat percentage, receive your manual.

My new bible.

I'm going to nerd out on all the info in the next couple of days and research my favorite places to eat out so I know what and how much I can eat when I feel I REALLY need to go out....

Starting Point

Weight: 161
Body Fat: 29%
Sit n reach: 12.25"
Sit-ups: 21
Push-ups: 20
Mile time: 11:03
Heart rate before steps: 94
Heart rate after steps: 121
Hips: 44"
Waist: 35"

Terrible numbers if you ask me!

Improvement is the goal, specific numbers to follow...maybe...

Yay! Go me!

A slimmer, healthier, more disciplined Spice will be the result :)

Day-After Update:

Holy crap I'm sore!!

where do we go from here?

Things have been looking up for me lately

I decided to look for another job

I may have figured out what kind of career I actually want

I signed up for an intense workout program to get into shape

I've been extremely happy to have someone to share all of this with, and to have his support.

But now, we are in limbo.

He is sending me mixed signals.

Possibly one of the most frustrating situations in life is dealing with mixed signals.

He doesn't know what he wants.

He only knows what he doesn't want: a committed relationship.

Were you doing a reality check and all of a sudden realized that, holy crap, I'm in a committed relationship?

Not exactly, but close.

I've just been enjoying you and your company and didn't really think about it...

I care about you, a lot, and I want you in my life. But I don't want a committed relationship, I feel trapped.

Why?

I don't know.

Basically, it boils down to he doesn't know what he wants, only that he doesn't want a committed relationship. Nevermind the fact that he's been in one for a couple of months.

He just didn't realize it.

I am frustrated because this has nothing to do with me. I've been great, wonderful, perfect, I didn't do anything wrong he tells me.

So I shouldn't take this personally?

This is your problem and you need to figure it out.

Let me throw in one little thing...

I'm kind of an 'all or nothing' type of girl.

I'm in love with you. I can't just be your friend.

You won't let me be your girlfriend.

What is in between?

Friends with benefits? How do expect us to turn back the dial to something you consider 'together' but not 'a committed relationship'?

I said it's all or nothing with me. That is usually true. I can't go back after falling in love with you. I'm willing to try whatever you come up with to make this work. To keep you in my life.

But if I feel as if I'm accepting less than I deserve, then I'll say so.

If you can't give me what you said I deserve then what choice do I have but to leave?

(You've been doing more than fulfilling my needs so far. Are you afraid you can't please me in a relationship? If so, that's ridiculous! You have been wonderful to me, the best man I've ever had the pleasure of dating.)

You are indecisive. I make decisions when you won't.

Please don't make me decide on this one.

I want you. I want what we've had for the past 5 months to continue.

So far, it's turned into a committed relationship, without even trying. I'm not sure it's something I wanted, but I'm open to it.

Yes, I'm freaked out by it too, but I think that's normal. What we have is worth more than a little freak out to me.

Are you being the typical man?

Yes, and no.

Yes, you're afraid of commitment. No, because you actually want to talk about it. You brought it up. You wanted to 'figure out where we're at'

We're in a committed relationship.

We love each other. (You may not say it, but it's in all the things you do)

We have more fun with each other than any other people I know.

Everything was going so well. We have a good balance of time together and time apart.

So why is this turning into a cliche?

It's not you it's me. It's bad timing. If I did want a committed relationship, I'd want it with you.

All things I've heard before.

Right before they broke my heart.

You say you don't wan to hurt me. You want me in your life. You care about me a great deal.

What am I supposed to do?

Act like nothing is going on?

Give you space so you can figure this out?

I want this. Do you? Will you please try?

I'm hoping that after you talk to other people about this and do some thinking that you'll come to your senses.

That you're being an idiot. That what we have is good for you and if you just get used to the idea of a committed relationship being a good thing then it'll all be fine.

We have something amazing going on. Please don't ruin it.

I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok. Is it?

Why are you afraid of commitment? Why do you feel trapped?

These are the questions that you need to answer.

I wish I could help, but I don't think there's anything I can do.

I'm a SuperStar!

A few months ago, or something like that, Man Mountain (my boyfriend!!) , decided to go out and buy an xbox 360.

Retail.

At Best Buy.

Are you freakin crazy?!

Then I hopped on ebay...

I scored him a nice elite version, better than the impulse buy, for half what he paid.

He was impressed.

I've got mad ebay skillz.

Games, games, and more games followed.

Then came RockBand 2 and an extra guitar...

I had never played Guitar Hero or the first Rock Band when this 60 pound box showed up at work one day...

We became Addicted.

He has two roommates.

I hang out there all the time.

Voila! A band.

The first time we were all present to play everyone was a bit shy when it came to handling the microphone.

Not Dimes.

He grabbed that thing and butchered a couple of songs.

I had taken a break from Bass to eat some leftovers when Man Mountain decided to give it a try.

Man in the Box by Alice in Chains.

Total High School for me, I loved that song.

The song started and....I was horrified.

So much so that I had to steal it away from him and finish the song myself!

And it was good.

I really really enjoyed it!

Man Mountain was stunned.

You're good at this!

I've only sung karaoke a few times, and always the same couple of songs....

Though I sing in my car all the time and always listen to music cranked up, so I don't miss anything...look up lyrics in case I can't extract them myself...and have a good memory too

Guess who sings every time we play?

Me!

There are quite a few songs that I've never heard or am unfamiliar with in the game

So what do I do?

"Research"

Download a few songs and practice in the car!

I can consistently score in the high 90s and even 100% at Medium.

Hard is a different story.

The jump from Medium to Hard is much more difficult than the Easy to Medium jump.

You sing different parts of the song in some cases!

Man Mountain offered to make a CD of all the songs I want to practice....

How sweet!

My home internet stealing is back on, and this time I think it's for good...

More updates soon, there is much to tell.

(and my camera has finally been fixed!!)

Oh and I think all this 'panic' about swine flu is retarded.

I's Alive, I Swear!

The Pi is around...yes I said I was going to be getting back into the blogging thing, but yeah

well, didn't turn out the way I wanted, huh?

The network I was tappin at home figured it out and I'm in the internet dark once again.

I have to go to Man Mountain's place to have all my internet fun!

Now that I've finally got my laptop bag and accessories all sorted out, I'm mobile, I will be blogging (or at least stockpiling posts and pooping it all out on the weekend)

But, hey, better than nothing!