Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Attention Nice People: You're all Sluts.

This morning I am greeted by a stunning revelation from MSN.

Nice people are more likely to be slutty (basic premise)

Yes, slutty is a relative term.

Sleeping with 10 people in your town might not be a big deal...

Unless there's only 50 people in it.

In a completely unscientific study, a married couple of psychologists asked people questions about the sorts of 'sexual activities' they've engaged in....

If you're TRULY slutty
, I bet you have no idea how many people's genitals you've licked or butts you've grabbed or even what the hell 'heavy petting' is...

Friendly, warm people may enjoy sharing their warmth with others by sleeping with them, whereas antagonistic people may sleep around to avoid having a monogamous relationship. And having a dominant personality makes it easier to approach potential partners.
Okok so the nice girl down the street...she's not REALLY slutty, she's just sharing her warmth?!


I don't doubt the correlation between interpersonal warmth and wealth of sexual experience, no, course not...

But what about all those 'Nice Guys'

You know, the ones that are finishing last

Their niceness hasn't done them any good lately!

Another interesting part of this study is that the subjects' looks were not taken into account.

All the interpersonal warmth in the world isn't going to make someone attractive if they have the face of a dog and the hygiene of a bum

Waitwait but that's not what the study was about! (and the sample was too small anyway so who cares right?! But I think it's a valid point...)

The stat degree in me is trying to shake up my brains...not sure I retained much...

I must be screwed.


I am antagonistic, have a dominant personality, and can be warm & friendly. (if you're lucky)

According to them - I'm a slut!

Thanks, MSN.

Getting my day off to a GREAT start!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Before I get all boring...

A couple of weeks ago it was graduation time at the ole University

So I drove my pretty little ass up to the college town to hit a graduation party

6 Years in the Making


I was looking Fabulous in THE Red Shirt

As usual, but this time there was more of a reason.

There was a possibility of the X being thereMe n Scott with his I-look-so-nice-girl-next-door-that's-actually-boring gf.

They weren't there when I arrived, so I made myself comfy

When they did, they were on the run a bit

No words were exchanged, barely even eye contact

Didn't bother me one bit, I was entertained.

They ended up sitting as far away as possible from me (hahaha)

There was a cutie in the room, a friend of the Graduation Boy's older Brother.

Older Brother comes up to me and says his friend thinks I'm cute and then licked my left ear

He wanted me to give that to you...

graduation boy
So we start chatting, where ya from, whadda do type crap

He works for Coca-Cola. . . .


shit starts going off in my head...

OMG You're the Hot Coke Guy!

He gives me a strange look.

Back when I worked at Ye Olde Sammich Shoppe there was a hot coke guy that would come fix our machine from time to time.

Everyone drooled over him.

So one day I decided, Fuck it. I'm giving him my number.

So I wrote it on a napkin!! (UBER LAME...infact, so LAME I made fun of that very thing here.)

I didn't give a shit. I didn't think he'd call anyway.

He didn't.

And here we are, a couple years later, at a graduation party.

I laughed it off and he was like...
Wow you've done some growing up since then...

whatever bitch, we're about the same age.White boy Chic

They'd be hittin the bottle for about 4 hours at that point so everything was entertaining

Even got some White Boy Shots

We headed to an Irish restaurant/bar to continue the party...

Some of Older Brother's and Hot Coke Guy's friends show up...

Introductions are made...

Hi, I'm Justin

Yeah, I know.

You do look kinda familiar...

That's because I picked you up in the gyro line one night after the bars let out...


The look was priceless. (whoo, 2 for 2)

I remember that night...

He remembered where I lived, that he was late to work the next morning and not just the fact that I have a tattoo on my lower back, but what it consists of!!

I must've made an impression.

I wasn't quite recalling everything at that moment, I blame the Tequila

But it all came back to me the next day after I looked it up in my Little Blue Book...

That was the one time I went home without my panties!

As we sat there chatting about that night so long ago, tryingBoob shot to piece it together, Hot Coke Guy is getting even drunker

And obnoxious.

He starts getting grabby.

And not in a good way.

I decided to write him off.

Then he figures out how his friend and I know each other...

He was none too happy about that...

Who knows why, it was like 4 years ago!

Men are so strange sometimes.

We hit the bars in campustown and it was one fucked up trip.

I am too old for college bars.

But it's fun to play with the little boys

We got all drunk and then headed back to Twinky Mc Straight Nutz place (formerly Manwhore)

He had been 'roofied' or something at the bar, it wasn't roofies cuz we know how that goes

But someone put some shit in his drink and he was rushed home before 11

We arrive and instead of busting into his room and jumping on him, we just yelled at him from the doorway...

Dave, show me your dick!

We've been friends for so long and I've STILL never seen his dick.

Crazy, I know.

So I pass out in the couch heaven that is his living room.

And fall off in the middle of the night

Twinky woke up early and made eggs and bacon.

We'll love him forever for that.

Then I morally assaulted his nerdy roommate.

She was so wholesome and shit and I'm sitting there in my bar stinkiness talking about dicks and swearing and being all racist-haha

I'm a peach.

By the time I finally made it home it was Bar Time again

JMax and I chilled out on the patio and met some drunk 40ish black guy that wanted to talk about all the ladies he'd been with in life and how he was one faithful dude


Off to the new hotspot downtown, where my drunken real estate agent was hanging out...with a shot of tequila waiting for me...

Cousin C's skanky ass was there!

He was approached by this little blonde number

I want to have sex with you.

Alright, let's go.

Apparently that's what happened right before I saw him being led out the door by said blonde.



Slut Slut get outta my get back to the back of the queue cuz your butters and blow
Can't have my number so leave me alone
Cuz you're wasted wasted wasted need a face lift...

Fuct up lyrics from Run 4 Cover by Basement Jaxx, my new obssession.

Monday, May 21, 2007

I did it!

I made an offer last Friday

The Seller came back with a counter offer

I countered back

He accepted!!

I was roused from an afternoon nap on Saturday to these wonderful words:

You just bought yourself a condo!

I almost screamed!!

I landed myself a 2 Br 1.75 bath 966 sq ft place only 2 miles from where I currently live.

I gots me a new home!

This is going to be a new experience considering I HAVE to live in it for a least a few years!

New experience because I've moved every year for the past 4 years.

Now the scary part...

Getting all the other stuff done!

Home inspection, mortgage application, condo insurance . . .

Then. . . dun dun DUUUNNN


From what I've heard from everyone it's the most stressful part.

Closing is scheduled for about 2 weeks from now!!

Then I will take possession and start the remodeling : )

Yes, remodeling.

New floors!

Say goodbye to ugly vinyl, and maybe ugly carpet.

Hello to tile (ceramic or porcelain?!) and maybe some hardwood...


New appliances...

And maybe, just maybe, if they let me...

Knocking out a half wall!!

Demolition. Hell yeah.

New fixtures!

New curtains!

New furni? New TV?

You bet!!

(But Not Yet.)

I will now be a regular at places like Lowe's, Home Depot, Menard's, The Tile Store etcetc

Drooling over the merchandise.

Taking pictures to do price comparisons...

(I'm a total nerd about shopping around)

I've managed to triple my debt in one fell swoop.

Now I REALLY need my job.

The boss is thrilled.

Sure, now go out and buy something on credit...

Cuz now, someone's going to own my ass.

Yep, now I NEED my job more than ever.

Hey, you gotta pay the mortgage.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Sexy Story Time

This isn't the Pi's writing, but I'll make it look pretty!


I now have a girl on the side and As far as I can tell she likes it that way. Allowing me to sneak off have a little fun. Most of the time it doesn't involve sex, just the sultry stare from a gentle face.

Either way I like it.

I leave from work a little early, make up an excuse and in about ten minutes I feel her embrace.

For this purpose I will call her My HOT Snootch (MHS). She is sexy and seductive. She can play naive and dumb, though we both know she isn't. She commands attention regardless of where we go, and because I am married I can't get jealous when she talks about other men.

She has a way of looking at you that allows you to get sucked in. She has only once dropped her guard, and, as far as I can tell, it was definitely not all the way.

The first time that things happened it was all planned out. This is not the route that I would recommend, all I can say is that there was alot of build up.

Most of the time one would imagine that the guy would be the one to blame, going to fast or saying the wrong thing. Our problem was timing.

I woke her from what I will call a nap, but no one really naps at two in the morning. I did think to let her sleep, I kind of wish I had, what with hind-sight being what it is.

I stroked her arm gently, "Sweety" i said. She rolled a little, her eyes fluttered gently as the brown in her eyes was met by the warm lamp aside her bed. A small smile sweeps across her face. She is happy to see me. I am, in more ways than one happy to see her.

I pulled the blanket over her curves, her chest was completely uncovered, this, in and of itself is extremely hot and only made hotter by the fact that two hours prior when I left her I asked that she be naked when I got back.

The breasts were of no surprise, nice, but no suprise as I had been groping them for a few days now. The thing that I paused for was that when the blanket was slowly sliding over her nipples her body moved everso slightly. A sort of welcome caress from a gentle stranger.

The smile from before creeps back, this time more expressive, she looks at me, happy that for tonight I chose her. Had I rolled over at this point my night could have been complete, content. But we planned this, so we had better follow through.

I laid on top of her, my outer leg caressing her inner thigh as it hooked over me. I spread my legs for better position, this causes her legs to slide wider. For the first time I see it. It is the best one that I have seen. Upon seeing this I decided that I had to use my tongue on it. I slide slowly down her body, kissing gently as I go. I make sure to stop at my favorite part of her body.

The curve, slightly above the hip. It connects the front to the back. I noticed it the first time when I was laying beside her in bed a few weeks prior. Her back was to me, her shirt had drifted up throughout the night. I didn't say anything, there was no harm in staring.

It flowed, almost inviting my hand to flow over it and south. We had a conversation days prior about men going down and her squirming. I thought to myself at the time that it was sexy, I thought of the ways she might squirm and the ways I hoped she'd squirm.

I started to work what I could usually call my 'Magic' she wiggled a little, there was a lunge or two, minor squirming. I thought it would be more animated, maybe louder.

I had no clue.

I moved my way back up to her. Preparing for the moment. I climbed close to her face and kissed her. I leaned up putting 'me' in her face. She took it in her hand, a firm grip at the base. She started, and not like someone who was doing it cause she had to, you could tell that she liked it. She worked it up and down. Hand and mouth working in uniform. It was what you would imagine a porn would be like if you were the handyman and she were the lonely housewife that hadn't seen 'me' in years.

The time came and I got into position. I chose not to cram it in, this is a time for a gentle touch. I grab it myself and move around on her a little. First side to side and then up and down. I make sure to apply extra pressure on the top.

She looks at me with that look. I am glad your with me it says without her saying a word. I slowly work it in. She feels like she hasn't been touched in months, though in the back of my mind I know. It doesn't bother me, I keep going.

I had started to go a little faster at this point and she says "Not yet." I liked that. We are holding each other, a tight embrace. I can feel her chest heaving. She is letting me go faster now. The embrace lessens I speed up more. I look down to see me going in and out of her. I look back at

She asks me to grab her toy. I was not surprised like some of her men had been. I had warning and frankly thought it rather sexy. I reach in her third drawer, and interesting choice of drawer, for most it is the first. I guess this is one of the things that I like about her. I grab her toy.

A blue vibrator, it has had it's day. I hand it to her and lean back to start some deep thrusting. She starts to scream. Not the kind of scream you may expect from sex. She was belting it out.

She told me that she was loud. I had warning just like all of the other things. I was still caught completely off-guard by the shear amplitude of her voice. She looks at me a few minutes in.

This is one thing that I have yet to run across in all of my days. 'Did you go," now this is very curious to me as I made no face, noise or other indicator that I had gone. I kept going and did something that she did not like. I had came in at the wrong angle. This put a stop on the whole situation.

We stopped and took what I thought was going to be a break. Turns out she asked If I had went because she did.

She said "I had a little one, it just snuck up on me." At this point I needed water. I walked into the kitchen got water and came back in the room. She was laying there half asleep.

She was done and I felt used.

A very peculiar feeling. A feeling I had inflicted on several occasions had now been thrusted upon me. It was a heavy weight. Not crushing but enough to know that it was there.

MHS thought that this was the greatest thing since sliced and bread and made two comments.

"I really enjoyed using you."

"Now you know how all those girls feel."

I tossed all night, slept for a while and tossed more. We had sparatic conversations throughout the night. We talked about our feelings and where things wouldn't lead.

The next morning, however, after a couple of awoken conversations and the term 'Mulligan' coming into play, I asked her if it would be possible to let her guard down if only for a little while.

I felt the night before had gone the way that it did because she felt she still had to guard herself. I have a very easy time reading people, which is one of the reasons why I like MHS, I can only sometimes read her, and on occasions I am off a little.

We talked a little while longer and I started to caress like I had thought about doing weeks before. She gives me a smile slightly different than the last night. She also had a different look in her eye.

We gave it another go and this time it was exactly what I was expecting. She looked into me. She Appreciated me and allowed me to do move in ways she hadn't done before. This time like last the toy came out, only when she went, I was already in the process of going.

I am a huge fan of Mulligans.

I don't recall if we have 'gone all the way' since then, all that I know is that given the chance I will make her forget the word 'mulligan,' and the word 'used.'

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Beware the Googly-Eyed Bitch

We've all been a Googly-Eyed Bitch at some point or another.

Now we need to learn to recognize it:

You spend time with someone and everything is going great

You hang out, talk, party whatever

You're friends.

Pals, amigos, do all kinds of shit together bosom-buddies.

Then one day it kinda hits you.

I don't just like this person, I LIKE-like them.

LIKE-like them the way kittens frolicking in flowery meadows makes moms happy.

Which is LOTS.

But Wait.

I wonder if they LIKE-like me too...

Let's say they do.

You start changing the way you act around that person

You get Googly-Eyed.

It's all sweet-smelling roses, a skip in your step, and shit like that

Constant text messages and phone calls and emails and chatting etcetc

There are Whenever There is You moments...

And all kinds of ewtsy cutesy bullshit.

Sure they LIKE-like you back, but what if they don't LIKE-like you the way you LIKE-like them?!

Then you become a

Do this, do that, pleeaassee?

And what do you do?

You fuckin DO IT.

Cuz they said to.

And you LIKE-like them.

You look at them the way an alcoholic looks at a bottle through the window...

You've become a Googly-Eyed Bitch.

And they know it.

So they use you a bit . . .

But it gets boring quickly.


Wait a minute.

Who the fuck are you?!

You're acting all different...not yourself.

You're not the person I thought I LIKE-liked!

You're a Googly-Eyed Bitch!

Holy shit!!

You're right.

And then it all fades and you go back to being friends.

Do yourself a favor and stop Googly-Eyed Bitch Syndrome.

I did.