Tuesday, February 28, 2006

RS&H Ctd....

We all masturbate and use sex toys as a nice addition to our partners. Nothing wrong with that.

What? You mean you don't?!

Well, you should get with the program then...

Occasionally people get adventurous....and then things like this happen:

A friend of mine, let's call him Jesus Christ, wanted to sit on the couch...well, my other friend, let's call her Muffy Vagina, was sitting *exactly* where he wanted to be...

So Jesus picked her up and moved her to the other side of the couch...he sits down...

Only to feel something in the couch cushion underneath him...

Jesus Christ reaches into the couch and pulls out a bright pink vibrator!

Where did THIS come from?!

Muffy Vagina screams, "Oh my God, how did that get up here?!"

"GEE I wonder!! Come ON! We sit on that couch!!" says The Angry Midget Ovary

Muffy grabs the vibrator and runs downstairs to her bedroom...

. . .

About 10 minutes later, Muffy returns, quietly...and there is silence....everyone stares at one another....

AH hahahahaha

She hasn't lived it down yet.

I have accepted the fact that I'm going to hell. Posting a picture of Jesus Christ wielding a brigh pink vibrator was merely to secure my place on the right hand of the dark lord...as is this:

(Ok, it's pretty fucking cool too...)

Monday, February 27, 2006

Random Sayings & Happenings: Bar Edition Pt 2

So I haven't posted in awhile. Ah been busy.

Now blogging brings me even more satisfaction since it is expressly forbidden by The Bank.

I'm currently stickin it to the man.

This is going to be a gross post. Just a warning.

The first Random Saying comes from the bar on Friday night... ::flashback lines::

I was in the bathroom and could hear two other ladies chatting...



"Sometimes it hurts when I wipe."


"Well, the other day when I was shaving in the shower I knicked my crack-mole."

. . . .

"Oh, ow, that sucks."

I wasn't really sure if I should bust out laughing or turn around and puke in disgust...

It's not that crack-moles exist, or even that she was shaving her crack, or even that she knicked her crack-mole while shaving, OR that she was telling someone about it...

...it's that she was donig it in a public bathroom...

Since I'm not going to post a picture of a mole in someone's crack, a naked mole rat will have to do, which is almost as gross...

haHA! while looking for pictures I found this gem:

A lovely plate of Chicken Mole.

mmmmmmm MOLE...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Yoda Sessions

Every morning I come into work a half-hour early. (i like the overtime...)

And every morning, there's a NERD in one of portfolio manager's office...

He is your typical financial analyst-type nerd...short, greasy, glasses, a little hunched over, won't make eye contact...

He regards the PM as a fountain of knowledge...and he likes to drink frequently...

You could even say the Nerd sees the PM as his Yoda...

Imagine if Yoda was a Money Manager, would he go a little crazy with The Force and other people's money?

. . .

I bet a tourist stumbles across his drunken, coked-up, hooker laden, shriveled little green body in the gutters of Las Vegas... (or is that Ciavarro?)

...and then asks for an autograph.

The brief absence...

Was due to my having the day off Monday... (and being toally swamped at work)

In this wonderful country, the Stock Market is closed on 'Banking Holidays'

WELL since Parent is a Bank...we get to celebrate our Dead Presidents with a day off...

And I got paid... (I know, I rule.)

It's hUmP dAy!!

Please celebrate accordingly :)

Heh, The Simpsons last night:

Marge: Homey, let's just go home and wait till the kids go to bed and then have sex in the car...

Homer: But Marge! I was saving that for my birthday!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Glad I'm not at the Bar tonight:

I wonder how many frozen corpses the cops will have to pry off the street with a shovel tonight...

Friday, February 17, 2006

Meet Marquis, The Idiot

At my night/weekend job we deliver sandwiches.

Occasionally, we have Dumbasses call us for a delivery.

Last night, his name was Marquis, and he wanted a single sandwich delivered to 3M.

We close at 11pm, and, like most restaurants, we hate those last-hour customers. Especially when when we've been dead ALL NIGHT.

Marquis called for a delivery around 10:15 pm. That was fine, I happily took his order.

My delivery girl, The Jilted Love Monkey, braves the bitter cold to bring Marquis his one sandwich around 10:30.

Right after she leaves, the phone rings. Another delivery. Fine.

Then, five minutes later, it rings again. It's The Monkey...she's at 3M, and had the guard call Marquis.

He's not there. Yet.

"Uh, I'ma be there in, uh, 15 minutes..."

He then proceeded to ask the guard to buy his food for him so The Monkey could leave. No luck.

Who orders a sandwich for delivery and doesn't even mention that he won't be in the delivery location for half an hour?!

So The Monkey comes back, take the other delivery, and heads back to 3M. It takes Marquis 10 minutes to come to the front and pay for his food.

His total was $4.25. He hands The Monkey a ten.

She gives him his change in singles.

He turns and leaves.


The Monkey was pissed when she got back to the store.

'I fucking drive around town in the freezing ass cold, RISKING MY LIFE to deliver ONE FUCKING SANDWICH to this ASSHOLE, I even COME BACK after his dumbass wasn't there, and he tips me 75 CENTS?!'

That's fucking bullshit.

People, please tip your delivery drivers. Especially on cold, snowy nights.

Maybe, next time Marquis calls, we'll tell The Monkey to drive by and throw his food at him.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Office Move/Merger BitchFest Part II

Whew! Let's see where did I leave off...

WELL, let's just say that the parent company to my company, let's call it Parent or The Bank, is frugal.

OK, maybe frugal is too nice; they're CHEAP BASTARDS.

For Example: A lady that started in the marketing department not 2 years ago had to share a space that used to be a closet with two other people.

It was so tight in there that if you moved your chair away from your desk, you would run into someone.

Her first desk was a pair of putty colored filing cabinets with a painted door laying across them! She said it smelled like stinky socks.

People at The Bank are still using that 'desk.'

And now, for a horrifying picture:

THAT, my friends, is the Nauseating Office Carpet in the new space...

Instead of puking up all of my grievances in one post, I'm going to spread er out...(mostly due to time contraints and the anger that these things cause to bubble up...)

Monday, February 13, 2006

Birthday Happenings...

I've received flowers with a balloon:

and 6 Gourmet Chocolate Dipped Strawberries...

....from my mother!

Thanks, Mom! :)

The Coworkers took me out to lunch today...mmmmm tasty!

On the way back to the office, a new Harrison Ford movie came up...which led to,

"He's still dating Calista Flockhart, right?"

Which naturally led to: "Which do you think is grosser, Harrison and Calista, or Tomkat?"

"Don't you think Harrison is one step above a Scout Master for the Boyscouts?" haHA!

More office bitching to come this week...

It's My Birthday!!

That's me on my first birthday!

I sprung forth on this day 24 years ago in Chicago at 3:45 in the afternoon!

And a Legend was born...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Remember Captain Planet?

"Only YOU have the power!"

He always seemed kinda gay to me...

It was SO convenient how every one of the Planteers was from a different part of the world.

But in order to have proper representation they needed a 5th element...

So they came up with 'Heart,' the connection to Mother Earth and the human kind...(right)

What the hell was 'Heart' supposed to do, I mean, talk about being gyped on the powers...

Ma-ti was 'friendly' with the animals...y'know so he could get close to em....start making little hybrid creatures...

Why did the Latin guy have to be the one with heart? Is it the Latin-Lover stereotype?

Come to think of it, Ma-ti always seemed a little gay to me too.

Just look at the hand flourish...and he has a pet monkey...a spider monkey...look at that creepy smile...

"Careful little woodland creatures. I've got a heart-on..."


haHA! found this..a wikipedia knock-off? The Hobo thinks so...


Notice the ads down the right side are for Earth Wind & Fire songs!

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Office Move

Everyone that has been fortunate enough to have worked in an office should also be privy to an Office Move.

The Office Move is an exercise in Fuck-Uppery that has never been completed without head-ache and frustration that linger for weeks.

A smooth transition is highly unlikely, so if you must take part, do take precautions.

Recently, I have been a player in the Office Move Game. (Albeit a sick, lazy one.) Not just ANY Office Move, it has been deemed necessary to shack up with the company we'll be merging with this year. What a bum deal.

Having been out sick for three days, I return to find my computer violated - someone, other than me, touched it in that oh-so-special place, it's backside. So I comforted it as best as I could and then packed up all my shit in 4 boxes.

2 of which will be relocating upon Move-In. I have a meager existance in the office, meaning I don't like hard copies. They're fire hazards.

So, Movers come and move our boxes. I unpack, reconnect my computer and I'm up and running by 3:30.

Everyone else is STILL looking for their boxes.


My computer, whom I think of as my ally in this whole ordeal, BETRAYS me.

The phones aren't working, when they are, we still can't call long distance. We haven't been issued the proper 'long distance codes.' (Corporate CRAP.)

We do not have our own break room. We have to set up our coffee pot in a back corner. My Office-mates refuse to drink the stuff that passes as 'coffee' around here. I heard one complain,

"Columbian!? I can still SEE through it!"

They like they're coffee to be thick as motor oil. I don't drink it, but laugh at their misfortune anyway.

Our copier, our Piece-of-shit-take-a-bat-to-it-like-Office-Space-Xerox, can ONLY be moved by a company of Xerox's choice. Fine. They show up later in the day.

The Xerox arrives BROKEN. "Uh, we got a block down the road and heard a loud crash in the back..." A bit of hilarity.

If you were going to break it on the way over, we would have GLADLY helped.

Someone from the other company has complained that all 7 of us get a window regardless of tenure or importance. (I say FUCK YOU, DEAL WITH IT.) The boss says,"Chill, we probably won't be in this arrangement for long."

(Guess what? They have enough space for everyone to have a window too. Policy? Excuse me, but your parent sold you to OUR parent, and we don't roll that way...)

Ah, the lack of communication that comes with merging.

That isn't even all of it. I could bitch about this all week...I just might too...

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Too Good NOT to Pass On:

Reasons This Guy would make a better date than a Convicted Sex Offender.


Love it.