Thursday, March 30, 2006

Open House


We're having an Open House tonight for people at The Bank.

I'm staying for the free food & booze.

(Don't talk to me because I won't remember your name anyway.)

Somehow I think combining bankers, booze, and the carpet will either be:

a.) really boring

b.) really funny

c.) hilarious, but no fun tomorrow when I have to clean the puke off the hypnotic carpet

OH believe me, I'm hoping for picture #1, lots of beautiful young professionals drinking wine and martinis, having fun at the office...admitting to crushes and making out in the bathroom.

BUT I know it's going to look more like picture #2, and then picture #3 is going to cause trouble.

Again, I SIGH.

I bet a.) since we're talking about BANKERS here. These people LOVE money.

But they love to SAVE it more than they love to SPEND it.


I'll be armed with a camera in case anything mildly more interesting than the stock market, golf, or the prime rate comes up.


How the hell did I, with a gem of a personality, end up working in an office where the average age is 15 years older than I am?!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

hump day...

There's a time and place for the sex talk...the birds and the bees or whatever you want to call it.

My mother is an RN. When I was a kid, she worked at a hospital.

She saw all kinds of crazy things, including the hamster in the bum thing...

I got the sex talk every year after the age of 5.

And every year, it became a little more pictures of STDs....thanks, mom!

The last sex talk she ever gave me was around Christmas of 1999...

My boyfriend-at-the-time was present, as was my father (they'd been divorced 18 months at this point)

Talk about embarrassing.

Although they had good reason: not three weeks before she had caught us naked in her bed. oops. I wrote about that wonderful event here.

Or you could just take your kids to the zoo:

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

a NICE Funk.

Last night i was being NICE.


Yes, i was in a nice mood at ye ole sub shoppe.

Customer Satisfaction was at an all-time high.

...for some reason that phrase makes me think of blow-job coupons and vibrators...maybe we could start giving those out as free take-aways in delivery bags...

Now there's a Happy Meal.

I even SMILED at them. (ya fat fucking idiot...)

I almost made myself sick.

'Fresh, Fast, and Friendly'

is one of the signs we have up in the store...

Maybe it was the combined effect of yummy smells and the stupidity caused by excessive consumption of mayonnaise.

Or that ad is true...if so I should be The Happiest Person Alive.

Speaking of food, how bout those mystery meats...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

It's HNT!....Speaking of Naked Flesh...

The Jaunty Looking Hobo passed this on to me yesterday:

Hufu: The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative!

Whether it's real or not, there are some...interesting 'facts' about it:

HufuTM was originally conceived of as a product for students of anthropology hungry for the experience of cannibalism but deterred by the legal and logistical obstacles. However, our preliminary market research revealed the existence of a larger segment of the public that was interested in the availability of a legal and healthy human flesh substitute, as well as vegetarians and vegans. We also found that Hufu is a great product for cannibals who want to quit. Hufu is also a great cannibal convenience food -- no more Friday night hunting raids! Stay at home and enjoy the flavorful, convenient human flesh alternative.

THAT is fucking brilliant! Those are some great marketing skills right there!

Vegetarians and Vegans?! I highly doubt that they would be interested in a human flesh alternative. They already find our tasty little animal friends' flesh repulsive, why the hell would they want to eat simulated human flesh?!

So this stuff is supposed to be like human flavored-tofu. I wonder if has the same jiggly properties as tofu and mayonnaise, or my aunt's thighs.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Let's just call him 'Humpy'

Happy hUmP dAy!

I enjoyed my 5 glorious days off!

It was fabulous.

I drank.

Then I did absolutely nothing.
(Which is to say, I sat around in my robe and slippers and watched terrible daytime tv and movies.)

Now that I'm back in the office with only the boss to flirt with, I must blog.

And for HuMp DaY I give you this:

Steff also deserves attention for her post on

Twats, Cunts, and Vaginas...

Monday, March 20, 2006

Hahaha I'm being LAZY

While all you poor saps are at work today, I'm at home being wonderfully lazy.

And I'm going to do it again tomorrow.

Time off. For ME.

I spent St. Patty's Day with some crazy cousins of my friend Big Dan.

They had this on their refridgerator:

Crappy quality, I know, here's what it says:

Dear Steve,

Thanks for driving to Denny's because I like potatoes. Enclosed is gas monies. Smelly kitty bit me on the face. I hate him. See you later

P.S. Tell Paul he smells like dead bunnies


Thursday, March 16, 2006

The 'Cold Pizza'

Back in the day (wednesday), in college, there was this little thing called The Cold Pizza.

Picture a Frat House. (where ELSE, right?)

Drunk Frat boys. Their poor House Mom.

Hey, Mom, we have pizza up in Chet's room. You wanna come up and have some?

Sure, Biff, I'll be right up.

(Here she comes, be ready, dude!)

House Mom walks in the room...

Hey boys, so where's the pizza? (sees pizza box on Chet's lap...)

She heads over to the box and lifts the top...only to find...

Limp Penis!!

Gotta love that one.

And now something so Unbelievingly Wrong, I just HAD to post it:

i think i've scarred us all for LIFE.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

hUmP dAy - QuickPost

Some guys set their sights too high...

...or maybe they like the bigger girls!

Happy HuMp DaY - Celebrate Accordingly!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Happy PI Day!

Not p-i-e


Math Geeks and Nerds alike may rejoice on this, Pi Day.

Many of you may know Pi = 3.14... and somewhere along the way someone thought it a great idea to make March 14th Pi Day.

To that I say, Brilliant!

What is Pi?

And in case you're wondering if your birthday occurs in Pi, check here.

Being the math nerd that I am, I thought this was kinda cool.

But Phi is still my favorite number.

And a Happy Birthday to Einstein!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Ultimate in Boredom

Conversation Hearts, Anyone?

Tower O'Hearts:

An Action Shot:

Wow, I should focus more on my hobbies....

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

hUmP dAy...once again

And with hUmP dAy comes another sex-related post...wait...aren't those an almost daily occurence?
Egh. So what.
Today we have pictures....

The Fly Away:

The Peek-a-Sack:

And the Dog-Butt to the Face:

Love your animals, but don't love them too much...

Speaking of that.....there's this:

Don't stare too long...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Best Birthday Cake EVER

Yesterday was The Big Sexy's birthday.

His mother baked him a tiered cake:

Apparently he decorated it himself.

I don't think baking is her forte...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Dirty Deeds

Last night before sleep came to me, a funny phrase popped into my head. It's something my friend Beckman came up with...

Beckman is the kind of guy that liked it a little exotic to begin with. At first, he liked the feather, the feather was good, but after awhile the feather just didn't do it for him.

Now he needs The Whole Chicken.

Now we've all heard of some of the Nastier Deeds that you can partake in while doing The Deed.

Such as:

The Shocker

The Cleveland Steamer Once we asked Squirrely Steve to pick up one of these when he got our Chinese take-out...Everyone stood there looking at him as he asked a little old Chinese lady for a Cleveland Steamer...she didn't know what it was, and neither did he...they went back and forth until he finally gave up. He about shit his pants when we told him what it was!

The Hot Carl

The Dirty Sanchez

The Intimidator

And, for those Trekkies, don't forget:

The Spock

And finally, the one Beckman, that dirty bastard, came up with:

The Dirty Eskimo
(I'm hoping that you'll get what it is from the context. . .)
(if not, you take a frozen turd and screw a chick with it...hance the fudgesicle)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

HuMp DaY Survey

Over dinner on Saturday night, an odd topic of conversation came up:

Who was the first naked man you ever saw?

Of the four of us, three had seen our dads as our first naked man.

Which makes sense, dads have a tendency to forget to close the bathroom door late at night when small children could be sneaking around...or they just lounge around naked on the couch, not expecting their kids to come home early...

But not The Jilted Love Monkey.

She was 15 when she first saw a naked man. She worked at a movie theatre and was sent on an errand to the Dollar General Store for trash bags.

As she stolled across the parking lot, she noticed a Silver Taurus driving around.

It started to come toward her...

A man that looked like her Grandmother's brother, Daryl, was inside.

"Hey there, I think you have a really nice body, would you like a ride?"

It was right then that she realized that he was COMPLETELY NAKED.

She turned and ran.

Gross. A sixty-something year-old man driving around NAKED in a Silver Taurus on the prowl for young girls....

So, on that note, I'd like to poll everyone...

Free polls from
Was your dad the first naked man you ever saw?
Yes No - Explain in Comments!

And why, for the love of God would you do something like this:

A bicycle seat has tendencies to, uh, burrow deep inside...well, y'know....