The Rage

The normal Friday morning consists of me being about 20 minutes late to everything.

Fuck it, it's Friday.

On my short commute to work I became a witness.

A witness to a fender bender.

I was sitting at the stoplight groovin to some Basement Jaxx . . .

Y'know, doing that little car dance that people do while (badly) singing their hearts out

Check the rearview, there's an older gentleman in the car behind me.

Just sitting there.

How boring I think.

Back to groovin.

Check the mirror again to see if he's shaking his head at me.

A common thing for older people to do at me...

Then he throws up his arms and screams GOD DAMNIT!

A couple more seconds of flailing arms and then he starts to get out of the car...

wtf is he doing...

He stomps towards the car behind, like a three year-old having a tantrum

He starts screaming at the lady driver and pointing at his bumper

The light turns green and I pull away...

Only to see that he had been rear-ended.

He was driving a brand new Oldsmobile

So new he didn't even have plates on the front!

It still had the dealer tag on it...

Ouch.

Speaking of Ouch...

Whatever happened to Mr. Squeeze?

Has anyone ever wondered?

Well, a little update on that.

Truth is, he got boring.

He meticulously planned things.

Now, I understand people are busy and have to schedule things etc etc

But this was planning things to death, so much so that it sucked all the fun out of it!

Then there's the other problem...

The problem in his pants.

We hung out and got to know each other all that bullshit for a couple months before anything wa attempted.

Which is what I wanted.

I think.

Anyway, the whiskey was to blame for the first failed attempt.

Lack of interest due to a latex friend for the second...

And the third, well there's no reasonable excuse for that one.

I was recounting this to my mother on the phone one day and then she said IT:

Well, there are things you can do besides PENETRATION.

::Wince:: Eeewwwww! MOM!!

Ugh. she said the 'P' word.

I'm not ready to start talking about my sex life with my mother.

. . . .

Nope not there yet.

Besides, if you can't get your dick hard, what kind of man are you?!

(and he had MOOBS!)

::shudder::

i'msuchabitch!

Rude Awakening II

Lying in bed, all cozy under the covers, I feel the cats stir...

Then I hear someone in my apartment.

He comes into my room, snaps on the light...

I'm speechless, I'm blind, I only see a male form holding something over his head

It's a baseball bat.

I reach for my glasses as he brings it down for the first strike.

It's my dad.

He doesn't say anything, just strikes me three times.

I manage to roll off my bed and grab the bat I keep under it.

I stand up and start hitting him with it...

But he doesn't seem to feel it.

He runs.

Something tells me I need to leave.

Right now.

Only time to grab a few things...

I throw on some shoes, my contacts...and something pops into my mind...

If your house were on fire, what are the few things you would grab?

I pull two pillow cases off my pillows and grab my cats, stuffing one into each case and then tying the ends together.

I grab my purse and stuff the drugs into it on my way out...

The hallway doesn't look the same - where am I?

I start running.

People are after me.

Nothing looks familiar and I have no idea where I'm going.

I call my mother.

Mom! Dad flipped shit and came to my apartment and hit me with a bat - I'm on the run...can you take care of my cats?

She says No.

I'm in shock that she won't help me.

I turn the corner and call my best friend.

Ok, meet me at the mall...

So I do.

I hop into his car, and start pulling pills out of my purse and putting them in the center console...

There seems to be so many, some of them crumbling...

OMG where did you get all of those?!

I don't know...

I still have the feeling that people are chasing me...

I was really freaked out and had to wake myself up at that point.

Completely. Fucked. Up.

Weekend Adventures

This past weekend was a little different than the usual - but no less fun!

Friday was A Naughty Night In - and not to be spoken of further! hehe

Saturday the Pi went and did something she said she wasn't going to be doing (much) anymore...

Shopping!!

Moderation is key, right?

So I ONLY bought 2 pairs of shoes.

I've been obsessing over this handbag I saw early last week...

Arcadia.

I went back to scoop its ass up and it was GONE.

Some bitch bought my bag.

There were others there...

But they weren't was I was looking for...

I almost threw a First-Class Hissy Fit.

Almost.

After my power shopping I returned home with my booty.

It was about 80 frickin degrees outside, meaning the building was freakin HOT.

After tramping up the stairs to my second floor apartment I realize that my keys are not in my purse.

So I got all the way back down stairs with my 2 big shopping bags...

There they are, sitting on my passenger side seat, mocking me.

Fuck.

Luckily the office was open and I was able to get into my place to grab that spare set...

Saturday night I had a goal.

Make out with the lead singer of the band.

Totally reasonable.

You HAVE to have goals...

Even frivolous short term ones.

Mrs. Odd Thomas picked me up and spewed about some family drama, then we put that away and decided to have a good time.

We arrived at Keysters to find barely anyone there!

Whatever, it was early.

There was a guy with a Superb Mullet.

I NEEDED a picture.

I wanted a Fantastic Burger, just like the last time I was there....

Waitress said they were deep cleaning everything and it'd be awhile.

When it finally arrived it was a charred piece of shit!

I found out lots of interesting things about people at work . . . hehehe

Also not to be spoken of further!

Some dude named Tracy came to our table to hit on me.

I told him not to block my view of the band.

He was all about Tracy and how he used to be a model and

Have you seen how hot my ex-gf is?!

Sure, whatever.

He even carried an old head-shot as if we wouldn't believe him!

Owner John came over for a visit.

He was tanked, as usual!

There may be a J-O-B in the works for lil ol me for the summer as the bowling alley gig ends tomorrow!

So the band starts playing and kicking ass per usual...

Tracy figures out why I'm there...

He and Mrs. Odd Thomas decide it would be Awesome to start pointing at me and all kinds of shit to draw attention...

Thanks, guys.

Between sets, Mrs. Odd Thomas actually goes up to the stage and flags down Singer to come over to the table...

I do not need this kind of help.

REPEAT: I DO NOT NEED HELP.

They wanted to drag me down to the House of Bricks to see a band call Cold Filtered, so they wanted to get my goal accomplished and set up for later...

Thanks again, guys.

So Cold Filtered -they play 'old people music'

(Just fuckin' it's not that 'old' - it's rockin 80s music)

And the singer is MOT's brother-in-law...

I've never been there - am I going to stick out like a sore thumb?

No, no, you'll be fine...

We arrive and the vast majority of people are dressing in black, with black hair, tattoos, a few bikers are there...

HI, I'm wearing COLOR.

I was totally stared at, and not for the usual reasons. (i love me)

It was dank, dark, n dirty in there.

Tracy and MOT were right at home - they were off being social butterflies...

The show was actually pretty awesome, I'm slightly more deaf from it...

I sallied up to the bar for s'more 1800 and bumped into this guy.

Hey, why you rubbin' up on me? (obviously drunk)

Then he groped me. (SEE this is what happens at the straight bar!!)

Excuse me?!

Oh, sorry...

I'm not rubbing on you, I'm just getting another drink...

Hey we should chill sometime, let me give you my number...

Ok...

He starts writing on a napkin and I kinda chuckled since he had to scribble something out and re-write it...it also reminded me of this phone-number-on-a-napkin story...

Hi, I'm Nick...::holds out hand::

We shake and he continues...

I just got out of the Army like 2 weeks ago...I did computer stuff...

(Now, Pi loves the guys in uniform and all that, but I was NOT vibin' on this one...)

So where do you usually hang out?

The gay bar...

Oh cool, I go there sometimes too. Look, I'd love to hang with you tonight, but there's this chick that kinda likes me here tonight so...

So why don't you go hit that?

Oh yeah, cool, call me next weekend?

Yeah, sure...

And he stumbles off.

Tracy and MOT had promised to get my ass back to Keysters before 2 so we took off around 1.30...

Tracy was drunk and dawdling so we grabbed the car and picked him up...

Hey is this either one of your cell phones? It was sitting on the table...

Nope.

No, I've got mine...

Hey I think this is some Cold Filtered Groupie's phone...

Then we figure out the phone belonged to the bitch from this little story....

So, like any curious monkey would, we start looking through text messages . . .

Drama ensues...

Then I relayed the story about Nick from the bar...

Guess what - it's the bitch's boyfriend!!

At this point we can't believe the coincidence...

Back at Keysters, the band was tearing down...

MOT was so upset she locked her keys in her car...

Anyway, I let her keep the napkin as 'ammunition' and the ol hubby got an earful...but it's fine now...

She's totally keeping the phone.

And telling her about the number/groping/comment...EVIL.

After that, I accomplished my goal constantly : )

Thursday Night Drinking

. . . isn't something I usually partake in.

I'm now 2 for 2!

What I've Learned:

1. Martinis are Evil yet Delicious
2. That hot older bartender is always game to hang out with young patrons
3. As much as I enjoy eating, it can be counter-productive
4. All you have to do is be nice and you don't have to pay for anything
5. Happy Hour turns into 10pm or even 12.30am VERY quickly!

Last night we started at Appare, a Japanese Steakhouse/Sushi joint

It's a couple months old and SUPER nice inside!

Y'know that step at the base of the bar - where you rest your dirty tootsies?

It was covered in granite.

Sparkly copper flaked granite.

That's how nice this place is.

The bartender was a hot older man sans wedding ring . . .

I ordered a martini of course, Citron Crush

Tasty fucking delicious!

After a drink and a half Trotter's friend (Krazy with a K) Kathy shows up with some dude in tow...

He's a bartender at some shithole where they usually have happy hour

He's already red in the face and his eyes are half closed...

(Looked Totally Fucked to me)

He was all hanging on her and totally being her Bitch.

We ordered some rolls . . .

I about wet myself with excitement

THEY WERE SO FREAKIN' GOOD!!

Krazy with a K started to get a little....rambunctious

She reminded me of ME when I'm drunk!

Oh, did I mention she's in her early 40s?!

And she's married . . .

But that's not the point.

She's awesome.

The conversation turns to hang-y labia and clits, as usual...

(well, maybe not usual for YOU, but we talk about 'em all the time...)

Krazy with a K was going on about how this lady was having surgery to tighten up one of her labia since it hung out more than the other. . .

Course right at that moment some dude walks in and starts eying the beer selection...

Hangy Labias, huh?

We glance at him and continue talking about beef curtains...

After the sushi was consumed and the drinks ordered and reordered and reordered...

Wanderlust set in and it was time to hit another bar.

I came back from the pisser just in time to hear that Krazy with a K's drunken little elf had paid for everything. . .

My martinis, Trotter's martinis, Krazy with a K's martinis, all the sushi...

Must've been a good $200!

Hey if gotta have em around, make sure they're good for something!

(omgi'msuchabitch)

Those two take off and we all agree to meet at a Favorite Shithole.

I sent Trotter along without me, told him I'd be there after s'more water...

Sure, whatever, you're going home aren't you?!

No, I'll show up, have a beer, THEN I'm going home.

So he left.

Just me and the cute older bartender...I proceeded to flirt

He gave me a tour of the place and invited me back to see him another night - drinks on him...

That's for another blog another time. . .

I show up at said Favorite Shithole and Trotter is holding down the bar, Krazy witha K nowhere to be found...

She stumbles in not a quarter beer later and starts spewing about how her Drunken Elf was getting sick all over the place at Some Grill

omg His wife was there and everything . . .

Oh, didn't know he was married.

So he's spitting and throwing up everywhere and I just wanted to leave. Well he follows me to my car and I didn't want him to come with, just to go home so I start to pull out and he's holding on to my car and then starts running after me as I pull out!

At this point I'm laughing and can't believe what she was saying.

You guys I'm worried about him driving home! I can't believe I called his brother-in-law to come get him.

Apparently there's some bad blood there...

Is he coming to get him?

No, he didn't answer!!

oh.

After awhile the subject changed and camera came out.

She had naughty pictures all over hers!

And her friend Gina is HAWT.

And she had boobies hanging out.

Like, NIPPLE, not just boobies!

While I was drooling over that JMax showed up!

It was a good drunken time and I made it home A-okay!

Drunken Elf, however, did not.

He passed out in his car in the parking lot of Some Grill.

Someone called the cops.

He didn't have his license.

Of proof of insurance...

And a warrant out for his arrest in a neighboring county!

So he's in jail right now.

How fucked up is that?!

One Saturday, I went overboard

I totally ralphed!

All over my party pants.

Instantly we went into Extraction Mode and rushed out of there.

But before I did that, JMax took this Beautiful picture of Moi.

I'm going to make him carry the camera all the time now

Ok, Recap:

I was Beyond Fucked Up and decided to launch a water canon all over the floor and my party pants.

Right, check.

Back to my place for a few hours, laying around and chilling out and then had to take a picture of Manwhore cuz he looked HAWT.

He ditched us until 11ish to go to some sorority formal with some bitch he doesn't even like!

He had already done 18 shots by the time this was taken!

We think he should always wear a suit.

Before we know it, it's 3am and we're still laying around and 'wrestling' on my bed . . .

To the after-hours club.

It was Ghetto Night again.

Even the music was cooperating.

We had a new party accessory with us that night - I met him last Thursday!

I give you - ok this is not as creative as usual - Trotter.

(sorry, babe! I'll come up with something!)

He was a good time and partying like he did 'back in the day' on Saturday night

He's now the Old Man in the group!

Right so it was Ghetto Night and Trotter was good to have since we were able to skip the line and get 4 ppl in for $20 (normally 10 apiece)

We totally rock! (Thanks, Trotter!)

We didn't stay long since it was so smoky and we all kinda liked rolling around on my bed and calling each other out

We are so friendly to each other.

Even Cousin C made an appearance.

He was looking HAWT, like a ghetto white boy.

And, GASP, I finally got a picture of Geek Josh.

He's on the left. . .

We were going to try and get him laid on St. Patty's and then he showed up with a married couple and wandered off before we got to afterhours.

Something tells me he wants to be up for it, but isn't ready quite yet.

He at least had the balls to show up to the gar bar alone to chill with us...

Alas, he's been expelled for sitting around, pounding drinks, and whining about how he's divorced because his wife cheated on him etc etc

dude, let it go.

Funny thing is - no one was surprised!

omg I'm such a bitch!

And when I wasn't being a bitch, I was talking about SEX.

It was crazy. My filters were turned off.

We didn't even sleep.

I love my friends, and we're going to do all over again this Friday : )

So it goes...

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. died yesterday from head injuries caused by a fall in his Manhattan apartment.

The first time I read Vonnegut was in my junior or senior year of high school.

The first book I read was Cat's Cradle and I still remember things about to this day!

His best known book Slaughterhouse Five is one that I've never finished

I couldn't get into it...but all his others grabbed me obscenely

Often times I'll read something or watch a movie and only remember enjoying it.

The names of main characters, location, major events, and even the ending usually escape me.

When I remember those types of things, I know I REALLY enjoyed the book or movie.

Cat's Cradle made me want to read many of his other books, which I have : )

That guy had an amazing imagination!

He made up religions and languages for his books!

His strange words aren't just used in one book, they travel to others

Words like 'foma' and 'grandfalloons'

It's sad to think I'll never actually meet him

I'll have to re-visit the book shelf that holds my Vonnegut collection once again, and pick up the few that I might be missing

If you've never read Vonnegut, you should giver a try!

While he didn't believe in the comforts of the afterlife, I hope he is out there somewhere, laying on his back, grinning horribly, and thumbing his nose at You Know Who. (stolen from Foma*)

Momma Pi is a pin cushion

That's what her middle looked like anyway

Nowadays 'Minimally Invasive' is all the rage.

I'd much rather have 4 puncture like spots than a 4 inch scar...

It was GROSS.

And course she kept showing me...

Yes, 4 Puncture-Like wounds.

Two of them right around the area where you'd find that little green bugger, a bigger one right in the middle of her stomach, and one, GASP in her belly button!

WINCEcringeEWWuckGROSSickBBLEEGGHHH

Belly Buttons gross me out.

Wait.

Stuff going INTO belly buttons grosses me out.

I don't like to have mine poked or prodded or licked or anything like that...tickles and feels downright WEIRD.

So once she heard that, she decided to make it worse.

Oh, they took this long hook and pulled it out and unraveled it and went in that way!

MOM! GROSS!!

they didn't really do that did they . . .

No, it's just an incision.

So why so many?

Well, two holes are for holding it in place, the other two for the snipping and whatnot, and then it looks like they pulled it out through this hole in the middle, it's all bruised and tender.

ICK.

Anyway, I made it back in time to pick her up from the hospital just shy of 24 hours after the surgery.

She was out of it.

The hospital was confusing as hell!

There's a rotunda with elevators and about 4 hallways stemming from it.

I picked the wrong one on the way out and had to make her wait for me to run to the car and pull er round...

(Sorry ma!)

She sent me grocery shopping in a store called Valli Market

There were brown people everywhere!

Now, I live in Central Iowa.

There are LOTS of white people here.

(Like, EVERYBODY)

So going into a store where white people are the minority was just WEIRD.

Stupid White-Iowa Mentality.

I don't WANT to be racist er anything, I just AM.

Product of my environment...

It's like...being around something when you're not used to it

For example: I get weird around large animals.

I didn't grow up on a farm or anything (the first time I ever saw a cow in person was at the ZOO!) so being around cows or horses is a little uncomfortable

You dunno if they're going to flip-shit and lash out.

Same with brown people.

Er...lol ok this is on it's way to disaster!

Change Subject: Easter

Easter isn't a big deal in the fam.

But my dad's wife, The Hideous One, insists on getting everyone something.

This year, yet another Pink Fuzzy Bunny, and a Chocolate Woodland Animal.

It's a baby raccoon holdings some flowers.

Very, um, Easter-y.

As you can see, I'm thrilled.

Right.

So Momma Pi made me do physical labor.

She's got this room that has accumulated lots of STUFF.

Well, since you're home and I can't lift stuff, how about we clean that out?

Ok . . . meaning I have to clean it out while you tell me what to do....

Other than that we laid around and watched TV and cooked and talked.

A nice relaxing time, right?

Well, yeah, until I realized what kind of shit I had to come back to in Iowa!

A mountain of work.

My quarterly menses. (i like SHARING!)

And with those headaches, cramps, back pain, bitchiness...

A car window that refuses to go up.

While it's raining.

Now it's snowing.

I had to get a RIDE TO WORK.

Guess I have to trust everyone at the apartment complex not to fuck with my car as it sits in the underground garage all day.

Before this turns into an all-out bitch-fest...I'm going back to work!

Momma Pi is doing fine, thanks for the get-well wishes :)

Pi's gone for the week.

Momma Pi is having her gall bladder out today.

I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow to take care of her when she comes home from the hospital.

I'm such a good daughter :)

Go read something in the side bar or dig through the archive bin if you're bored...

Bite off some bunny ears and Have a great Easter!

Back next week!