Wednesday, September 27, 2006

As the Bowling Ball Turns: A New Series

My third night at the bowling alley went well

I made quite a bit in tips despite having to strut my stuff in this cheesey shirt:

Any workplace is like a soap opera so this one will be so aptly titled:

As the Bowling Ball Turns

i'm a frickin genius.

The Owner is an older gentlemen, very friendly, flirty, and word has it, CHEAP. (as most successful business owners are...)

The General Manager has been very pleasant towards me, but I've heard she can be a real BITCH.

"For awhile there she wasn't allowed to set foot in the place, not a month later she was working there . . . . I think she has something on Owner . . . "

Aaahhhhhh GOSSIP.

The driving force behind any good Work Soap Opera

Most of the people that work there, the counter guys, the snack bar guys, the bartenders, are related.

There are a few exceptions.

Like the guy with spinal meningitis.

Or the divorced bartenders that split shifts.

And me.

And then there are the bowlers.

The League Bowlers, the Open Bowlers, the people that hang out at the Bowling Alley Bar. (yeah, they exist...losers)

Some of the League Bowlers have been bowling there for 10+ years.

They know the people that work there pretty well.

Last night after work a few us employees were relaxing at the bar with one of the League Bowlers, let's call him Crass.

Crass has had a few to drink.

He starts talking to Meningitis Guy about his family's health problems and how he used to bowl with his dad and his dad's first cousin:

Now now, I don't mean anything mean by what I'm about to say, I need you to know that, MG. . . (i'm thinking, oh GREAT)

Your family has had so many health problems and I'm not sure how you all pull through it. You are one of the best handicapped bowlers I've ever seen...I remember when so-and-so was going down hill and then after he passed away blahblahblahblah

And I need to remember that I should be thankful for as well as I bowl cuz there are some people that no matter what they do even if they bowl for a lifetime they may never have an average like mine, I mean that guy that meant so much to your family was a great guy and he was passionate about bowling but he wasn't all that great, he may have bought every bowling ball that ever came out but he was never gonna be as good a bowler as I am...

An i'm-Holier-than-thou's-dead friend remark!
I was shocked...and he continues...

And your family, you poor guy, I guess there isn't a lot of luck there I mean, if it were raining pussy, your family would get hit by a dick!



I started laughing and just lost it.

Words as profound as those can only be found at the bowling alley.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Bummin' Around


The Pi is currently busier than she should be.

I have 3 jobs.


So when I'm not working, you'll find me Lounging.

Bummin' Around.

Being LAZY.

Watching the boob tube and snacking.

The Battle Against the Laze rages on.

It wasn't always like this, at one point, not 6 months ago, I was able to get up at 5:30am.

Now 5:30am has returned to being that mythical hour of the morning that will only be seen if i've been drinking my face off.

The Laze has a firm grip on me.

The mind screams, get off your soon-to-be-fat-ass and go exercise!

Do something! ANYTHING!

I don't think I could hear it since I was in a sugar-induced coma on my couch...

Need to prevent that Secretary's Spread.

A work-place carpal tunnel, nosy coworkers, anything made by Xerox, over-consumption of coffee, and of course, moving and mergers.

The carpal tunnel has been defeated, the proper keyboard/mouse configuration has been achieved and wrist comfort is a reality.

I've accepted that nosy coworkers and Xerox products are part of the deal. jerks.

Over-consumption of coffee must be a way to cope with too much/bad sleep.

Exercise would solve so many problems and improve others...

I have the means. there is plenty of time in the evening.

I have access to a gym,
and a pool, and sidewalks . . .

Wait, what's that?


oh right, that's the kicker.

working out is hard work, as you can see...

the fact that my clothes are getting tighter just isn't enough.

where do you draw the line? where does the motivation come from?

pi needs help.

Overworked, yet Lazy.

Figure that one out!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Pi Filling

Just a few oddities I feel like sharing:

I have lots of empty picture frames in my apartment. I love them.

I have a younger brother.

I care more than I let on.

I have 17 yr old friends on MySpace.
I'm so cool.

One of them works at Abercrombie & Fitch. Double cool points for me.

I can dumb myself down in order to enjoy any movie. (i swear, i even liked Stealth.)

I always attract the dorks, but if they're decent looking I'll give them a chance.

Low self-esteem is my biggest turn off. (which is what usually screws it up for the dorks)

I (still) don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I stuffed my oatmeal into the BetaMax.

I have a hard time remembering the end of a movie unless I've seen it a bazillion times.

Fall is my favorite season.

I played soccer for 8 years.

When it comes to celebrating or gift giving, I prefer to go over-the-top.

I love Dr. Pepper.

I think Evil Power is sexier than Good Power.

I've been busted for drunk driving.

If I've had a really bad day or week, it all goes away once I buy a new pair (or two!) of sexy heels.

I don't like jello!

I've never been to a funeral.

I feel most at home near a body of water. (which is probably why I have 85 gallons of aquarium)

Later in life, under the right circumstances, I could turn out to be a Crazy Cat Lady!

I can't see myself growing 'old'

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I got my soldier!

I'm proud to say that I have adopted a US Soldier!

It took almost 2 months to be accepted, but I'm in!

Now I'm going to write a letter every week
and send a care package once a month!

I'll be doing a great big thing for Christmas so if you know any deployed soldiers and have ideas let me know!

mmmm mmm always loved a man in uniform :o)

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Birthday Outing Ctd

And then we started taking pictures:

Our friend Jessi, recently back from Florida, and now a little wimp when it comes to cold, happened to be around!

She, too, has felt the touch of the Sammich Shoppe.

Jessi n Pi

Big O was determined to be 'That Creepy Guy' in the background of the pictures . . .

Best Friends

Big Dan's just happy to be out n drinking!


The Big O in deep thought. . .

The Big O

And then things got a little rowdy . . .
my boobs DID look fantastic that night...

Lucious Pi

Time to switch bars! We walked down to the Royal Mile, a pub of some sort, and ran into some people . . .

Cheers to Boobies

Then we really started getting our Drink On, we're pretty toasted here . . .

Gettin Our Drink On

Did I mention we were rowdy?


Note Big O being creepy in the background!

We be Drunk!

We hit DRUNK around 1:30 . . . after Birthday Boy drank some SCOTCH

I wandered off to some after hours
where I drank a half a beer and spilled the rest on some guy, and then passed out on a couch for a few hours...

Naked Hummus
couldn't WALK so Big O and Big Dan had to damn near drag/carry him.

We knew we wouldn't want to go far so I got us a hotel room at the Marriott . . . Here's the room when I checked in:


And when I returned at 5am:

5am Hotel Return

A good night!

We felt a little older...we're not in college anymore..usually we'd still be drinking at 5am!

We had a case of beer on ice for when we got back, I think we killed 2 cans.



Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Birthday Outing

Last Friday, one of my best friends, Naked Hummus, turned 27.

We had to celebrate.

Meaning we had to get DRUNK.

We had a goal: Get him as drunk as Pi was on her 23rd. (don't ask)

The Players at the Beginning of The Night:

Big Dan

A long time friend of the Naked Hummus, he drove down from Marshalltown to join us.

In college, Big Dan was a drinking Champion.

Big O

He is bound to Naked Hummus by a mutual hatred of the Sammich Shoppe

We didn't know the Big O in college . . .

He used to be smart and even went to Cambridge for a year.

The Pi

A Sammich Shoppe Co-worker of all involved

Good Friend and Authority of All That is Female in the group

Usually the first to Wasted.

And, The Birthday Boy

'Always keep a spare set of shorts and jeans in your truck'

He learned that one the hard way!

I caught him mid-yawn on this one.

Let's rumble.

The night began at Buzzard Billy's. A Cajun Joint.

Big Dan: We'll all be lucky to make it out of the bar without shitting our pants!

Maybe he's right. Whatever.

As per the usual, conversation turned to making fun of our buddy Schteven.

Schteven is lost in the folds of The Flesh Pyramid that is his girlfriend. (rumor has it fiancee)

We haven't seen Schteven much since The Goat Incident.

The boys were hanging, giving him a hard time...when Naked Hummus busted out the insult...

Damn Steve, she looks like a Goat. Take that bitch back to the zoo!

And a laugh was had by all.

Schteven, in all his skinny/squirrelly man wisdom, went home and told her all about it.

Everything. Even the goat comment.

After much yelling they made up.

The next day, they went to the zoo!

I digress . . .

Other disgusting tales from college surfaced as Big Dan and Naked Hummus were roommates in Towers.

A double mini-fridge stack. A 5 gallon bucket of ice cream forgotten...

Did you know that ice cream ferments if you let it sit? Not to mention smells like shit.

After discovering the spoiled, separated, and fermented 5 quart bucket of ice cream, they did what any disgusted college student would do.

They tossed it.

Out the window.

It splattered all over the sidewalk and a few dozen bikes. It just so happened to be an orientation day er something, so people were being marched through it all day!


The night continued at The Hessen Haus.

There was a blues band playing.

Free flowing German beer.

And then we started taking pictures. . .

And blogger is being a BIG FAT BITCH right now, so I'll complete this later/tomorrow...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

No, not the movie, the sounds they make.

Night noises.

The Sound of Home.

Growing up I had to listen to plenty of noise.

We lived within a mile of a hospital.

Directly under an O'Hare flight path.

One block off a busy street.

When we moved to the suburbs, I couldn't sleep at first...

Then I heard a firetruck. Sweet, the station is right down the street.

And there's a busy street behind the house.

A little difficult, but I got used to it pretty quickly.

Then I moved to Iowa.

. . .

I had to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol to make sleep come easily.

Then I started dating a small town iowa boy.

We went to his parents' house.

. . . cricket . . . cricket . . . . . . SILENCE . . . horribleawfulomgsavemesilence

Everything was still.

It was fucking creepy.

I could not sleep.

I would have preferred a freight train coming to a screeching halt at 3am 200 yards away.

It was too quiet, the silence was uncomfortable.

I don't want CLARITY.

I need CHAOS outside my window!

Maybe I'll invest in a 'Soothing Sounds of Rush Hour Traffic' CD.

City girl to the end I guess.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

She's Different

So I went bowling last night. Someone told me they had an open spot on a league team for me.

They didn't.

So I chatted up the owner.

After about 20 minutes they found a team that needed a sub...

They said it wouldn't cost me anything...

Hell yeah.

So I bowled with 4 older a thin smoker like my gramma, another with the face of a dog, and two heavy sisters.

They were nice people. At first I wasn't sure what to expect.

They like to drink beer.

They smoke Virginia Slims.

They make dirty jokes.

We played poker the whole night, make a mark and draw a card.

I got an earful of a life story from the one lady. Interesting.

OwnerMan said I should check out the Thursday night league, lots of younger single people in that one.

Sure, why not . . . I'm in a new town and a little short on friends, couldn't hurt.

So I went back tonight and scoped it out.

I left with paperwork to be a Cocktail Waitress 2 nights a week.

I've never been a waitress.
But I'm pretty sure I can strut around a bowling alley and carry bottles and pitchers of beer.

They pay minimum wage and I get to keep all my tips.

(I get to wear whatever I want, any suggestions?)

Tuesday night is a Full House. 36 lanes of 4-5 people. . .

And bowlers like to drink.

I may have hit a jackpot.

And I get to join a New Family. (awww)

After I got home and pulled into my spot in the garage I decided, on a whim, to clean out the car.

So I left the music blasting, doors open....drag a trash can over...

I'm pitching stuff left n right, really getting into it...

Bustin' a move to some Jamiroquai

On my hands and knees in the back seat...Booty shaking out the back door...

I come up with some stuff to toss, and there's an older guy a few cars down staring at me...

(awkward moment)


He just kinda shook his head and walked off.

I knew I shoulda been embarassed...but I just giggled instead.

Whatever. If old men don't like watching me shake my ass while cleaning my car, they can fuck off!

(now that i'm bowling again i might have to re-hash this post . . .)

Sshhhh, I'm 'Working'

There are men repaving the parking lot.

I'm fascinated.

Obviously the work I am sorta doing isn't exactly challenging, nor is it interesting.

So I stare out the window.


They aren't even HAWT Asphalt workers.

They're mostly Mexicans. (go figure)

I'm not sure about the newspapers everywhere else, but the Des Moines Register has been reporting a whole lot of STEAMY CRAP this week.

The front page story is some shit about some guy that is bi-polar and how his neighbors 'live in fear' and the cops have been called to the neighborhood so many times in so many years.

He even has his picture on it.

A huge one.

And then it eats up all of page 6.

So fucking what.

There's a nutball living not too far from me and people are making a stink about it.

They already banned the child molesters.

I guess the Bi-polars are next.

In other noteworthy news Justin Timberlake has many faces.

This shit story on the front page of the Entertainment & Life section.

Stories like these are eating away what could-have-been-precious-moments of newspaper reading.

God forbid they report something RELEVANT.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Cheese Continues...

I give you The Wall of Appreciation.

You're Welcome.

This team-building pile of steaming CRAP has invaded a much beloved blank wall in the Break Room.

On Friday we all get to take down the slips with our names on them - so we have constant reminders of all the great ways our co-workers appreciate us.

I fear I'll have less than 3.(jerks)

We also got to sit and listen to a 'motivational speaker' for an hour and a half.

Gotta say, I'm not really inspired.

The whole Five Fun Days continues, with mixed reviews.

Today is Hawaiian Day.

So if you have a Hawaiian Shirt, feel free to wear it.

There was a lei on my chair when I arrived.

We had Hawaiian Pizza for lunch.

There's a LIMBO CONTEST at 2:30.

Oh boy, I sure do feel appreciated.

That movie, Office Space . . . I'm totally living it.

And apparently my Office Space Character is

I would LOVE to gut a fish in my cubicle!

Wanna take this stupid quiz? Go ahead.

I've been booted from 25peeps. I think I made it 5 days. I was doing so well and then POOF!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Five Fun Days

It was so aptly titled 'Employee Appreciation Week' but since it's a thing one company did and not the other and now we're almost one company the name just HAD to be changed to be fair. (such is compromise when there's a merger)

AHEM, 'Five Fun Days'?


A week when cheesey slogans like 'Go the extra Smile' are used so frequently I could BARF.

A week where we get to dress down and ridiculously and the Management gets to do EVERYTHING for us.

No help.

Not even looking up phone #s or ordering food.

I didn't think they'd be able to pull it off.

But so far, so good.

Yesterday was PJs and Pancakes

My trip to GoodWill provided me with the perfect PJs.

Since Pi doesn't sleep in office-appropriate attire, she decided to go out and get some!

They said PJs, but not WHOSE PJs.

I arrived and quickly changed into a One-Size-Fits-All nightshirt with a large flower extending from my left shoulder down the side.

With glitter and puffy paint. (yeah i'm 'that chick' at the office)

And over it, a FUCHSIA Granny Robe.

It snapped from neck to ankle. And had strings at the neck to tie a pretty bow.

Extra padding with flowers at the shoulders and blue-to-match-the-nightshirt piping.

Awesome. (pics later-pics NOW!)

And some slippers.

That thing was fucking HOT. hell it was fleece!

People couldn't stop laughing when I walked in the room.

It was heaven. (the food, not being laughed at)



Fruit Salad.

Pancakes and Waffles cooked by the Management on griddles in the break room. (which made them taste even BETTER)

Everyone in PJs.

It's never been so easy to get to work early!

After that I spent the day in my Jack Daniel's Jammy Pants and a tank top.
Really Hard to work in pajamas.

Monday, September 11, 2006

'We Will Never Forget'

Someday, in a million years, I will have children.

And at some point they're going to ask me about this day.

What were you doing, mommy? Where were you?

I've asked similar questions of my mother, about the moon landing and the JFK assassination, even the fall of The Wall.

I was really young during the Persian Gulf and Desert Storm. All I remember is night vision flashes on TV and yellow ribbons tied around trees.

But not this time.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa

I had an 8am class. The only 8am class I ever had in college. Finance 361, Risk Management & Insurance.

8:46am, 7:46 CDT, I was having breakfast in the dining hall when the first plane hit.

9:03am, 8:03 CDT, I was walking to class, already running late when the second plane hit.

9:43am, 8:43 CDT, American Airlines Flight 77 crashes into the Pentagon
10:05am, 9:05 CDT the South Tower collapses.
10:10am, 9:10 CDT United Flight 93 crashes in Pennsylvania, and part of the Pentagon collapses.

I had class until 9:15. I still have the notes from that day.

10:28 am, 9:28 CDT, I went to a computer lab to check email and maybe play some Yahoo! Pool . . . maybe homework, but those details escape me...

10am CDT, I had a math class. Linear Algebra I think.

11am CDT, I arrive at my Accounting 284 class. It's in a large lecture hall with a balcony.

The teacher is frantic. She's crying. I had no idea what was going on, neither did everyone else.

For those of you that haven't heard, there's been an attack on New York.

She went on to tell us that her mother lives there.

But she's ok, I talked to her. She said she saw the whole thing. Go home, all of you. We'll worry about homework and class work later.

It was surreal.

I left in a daze, could this really be happening?

I don't remember walking back to my dorm.

Big O told me that campus was quiet that morning.

When I got back to Friley, everyone had their TVs on, their doors open.

Wide-eyed stares, people crying. I heard my roommate on the phone with her parents.

It made me feel helpless and disconnected.

I was in my own little world of Iowa State, I didn't read 'real' newspapers very often, even though they were free and all over the place. I had no idea what was going on in the outside world.

The whole thing didn't seem real until I actually went to New York City in July 2004. When you see the skyline in person and how there's a hole where the Towers used to be. This is where it actually happened, it wasn't just something I saw on TV.

I didn't personally know anyone that was there, but it sill makes a lump rise in my throat and my eyes tear up when I think about it.

We all lost some innocence that day and it should never be forgotten.

What will you tell your children?