Saturday, May 23, 2009

Fatty Spice

At 160 pounds I am the heaviest and fattest I've ever been.

I've gained 10 pounds over the last year that I like to attribute to emotional eating as a result of grief and hanging out with Fat Kids at massive buffets on Fridays.

I've been far too lazy.

Time for a change.

No more complaining

No more excuses

This time, I really mean it.

I've committed to an intense 10 week program: Farrell's Extreme BodyShaping

Six days a week of cardio and resistance training and a specific way to eat.

I'm going to turn myself into a muscle building machine

Today was orientation.

Meet your coaches, do sit-ups, push-ups, sit n reach, run a mile, get your gear, find out your body fat percentage, receive your manual.

My new bible.

I'm going to nerd out on all the info in the next couple of days and research my favorite places to eat out so I know what and how much I can eat when I feel I REALLY need to go out....

Starting Point

Weight: 161
Body Fat: 29%
Sit n reach: 12.25"
Sit-ups: 21
Push-ups: 20
Mile time: 11:03
Heart rate before steps: 94
Heart rate after steps: 121
Hips: 44"
Waist: 35"

Terrible numbers if you ask me!

Improvement is the goal, specific numbers to follow...maybe...

Yay! Go me!

A slimmer, healthier, more disciplined Spice will be the result :)

Day-After Update:

Holy crap I'm sore!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

where do we go from here?

Things have been looking up for me lately

I decided to look for another job

I may have figured out what kind of career I actually want

I signed up for an intense workout program to get into shape

I've been extremely happy to have someone to share all of this with, and to have his support.

But now, we are in limbo.

He is sending me mixed signals.

Possibly one of the most frustrating situations in life is dealing with mixed signals.

He doesn't know what he wants.

He only knows what he doesn't want: a committed relationship.

Were you doing a reality check and all of a sudden realized that, holy crap, I'm in a committed relationship?

Not exactly, but close.

I've just been enjoying you and your company and didn't really think about it...

I care about you, a lot, and I want you in my life. But I don't want a committed relationship, I feel trapped.


I don't know.

Basically, it boils down to he doesn't know what he wants, only that he doesn't want a committed relationship. Nevermind the fact that he's been in one for a couple of months.

He just didn't realize it.

I am frustrated because this has nothing to do with me. I've been great, wonderful, perfect, I didn't do anything wrong he tells me.

So I shouldn't take this personally?

This is your problem and you need to figure it out.

Let me throw in one little thing...

I'm kind of an 'all or nothing' type of girl.

I'm in love with you. I can't just be your friend.

You won't let me be your girlfriend.

What is in between?

Friends with benefits? How do expect us to turn back the dial to something you consider 'together' but not 'a committed relationship'?

I said it's all or nothing with me. That is usually true. I can't go back after falling in love with you. I'm willing to try whatever you come up with to make this work. To keep you in my life.

But if I feel as if I'm accepting less than I deserve, then I'll say so.

If you can't give me what you said I deserve then what choice do I have but to leave?

(You've been doing more than fulfilling my needs so far. Are you afraid you can't please me in a relationship? If so, that's ridiculous! You have been wonderful to me, the best man I've ever had the pleasure of dating.)

You are indecisive. I make decisions when you won't.

Please don't make me decide on this one.

I want you. I want what we've had for the past 5 months to continue.

So far, it's turned into a committed relationship, without even trying. I'm not sure it's something I wanted, but I'm open to it.

Yes, I'm freaked out by it too, but I think that's normal. What we have is worth more than a little freak out to me.

Are you being the typical man?

Yes, and no.

Yes, you're afraid of commitment. No, because you actually want to talk about it. You brought it up. You wanted to 'figure out where we're at'

We're in a committed relationship.

We love each other. (You may not say it, but it's in all the things you do)

We have more fun with each other than any other people I know.

Everything was going so well. We have a good balance of time together and time apart.

So why is this turning into a cliche?

It's not you it's me. It's bad timing. If I did want a committed relationship, I'd want it with you.

All things I've heard before.

Right before they broke my heart.

You say you don't wan to hurt me. You want me in your life. You care about me a great deal.

What am I supposed to do?

Act like nothing is going on?

Give you space so you can figure this out?

I want this. Do you? Will you please try?

I'm hoping that after you talk to other people about this and do some thinking that you'll come to your senses.

That you're being an idiot. That what we have is good for you and if you just get used to the idea of a committed relationship being a good thing then it'll all be fine.

We have something amazing going on. Please don't ruin it.

I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok. Is it?

Why are you afraid of commitment? Why do you feel trapped?

These are the questions that you need to answer.

I wish I could help, but I don't think there's anything I can do.