Newsflash: Grief affects your judgement

Being totally head-fucked is the only rational explanation for my poor dating choice late last year

(At least that's what I'm telling myself)

It was about this time last year that I finally put an end to the whole thing

Yep, a few days after Christmas.

It's been a year so I figured it's time to tell all...

And I hate myself a little too when I think about it.

Why the hell was I so NICE?!

He's a pompous jackass, and I let him down easy

Why?

Because we work together. I figured even though we don't directly work with each other, we still occupy some of the same space 40+ hours a week

I wanted to avoid the weirdness...

So, what happened?

Like most things that go wrong, it happened in stages.

Ok, it all started one night when we went out to dinner.

We were having a good time, enjoying our burgers at Granite City

He freaked out.

He got all wide-eyed and starting babbling about me being a druggie

But....but NO, wait...You're a....a DRUGGIE?!

What the fuck are you talking about, I'm not a druggie.

But, but I don't want to think of you that way, you're not like that, are you? Drugs are so, so bad for you...

It basically went on like that for the rest of dinner.

He didn't say much the rest of the night, only that he needed to think about stuff.

Wow.

I later found out that he doesn't even take ibuprofen or aspirin, he prefers to handle things 'the natural way' cause anything else will pollute you.

Egh, he got over it, or so he said...

Right, I know, should have dumped him for his behavior and crazy ideas.

Strike two came one night when we were watching Heroes and I commented on how hot and tasty Hayden Panettiere is and how I wanted to do naughty things to her...

Normally, guys are all over a comment like this, and start asking probing questiones

He was all over it, but in a different way.

More of a priestly concern laced his question.

Cue freak out number two.

That's disgusting. Oh my god, are you gay?

That is so wrong, I can't believe you've done that

He was being absolutely serious.

I belive Pornography came up in this discussion too

To which he replied Pornography is disgusting. It's like watching two animals fuck.

Ok, so watching Animal Planet is the same as porn?!

Basically, we are different kinds of players in the game of life.

I'm on the field actually playing, participating in life.

He's on the sidelines, watching, learning from everyone's mistakes.

That may do the trick for some people, but I say How Boring.

Sure, learning by doing and making your own mistakes may be sometimes be considered 'the hard way' but, so what?

There's plenty of fun to be had in all of life's experiences, even if, in hindsight, it was a mistake.

The last straw is pretty much laid out in this post, but the one little thing I left out, the thing that was said that cannot be unsaid, well, he sat down on the bed next to me, looked me straight in the eye and called me a whore.

Yes, really.

A week or so after that, he sent me flowers at work.

The card said Let's talk.

Soooo what do you want to talk about?

Well I wanted to let you know that I've decided to accept you for who you are.

Hah.

A little late for that, don'tcha think?

I hadn't planned on ever explaining this whole thing but I heard a few things about him last week that prompted me to tell the world about how strange I think he is

Apparently in the last year, his social skills haven't improved

A few coworkers were on a volleyball team, naturally they head out for drinks afterward

He rates women. He says he's never met a woman above a six. And if she is above a six there has to be something wrong with her, like she's dumb or a complete bitch.

There were guys at the table that I would consider assholes and they all just sat there and didn't back him up...

Right, so he's a pig too.

In reality, he's one of those people that is so over the top homophobic that he's probably gay.

Ahhh, it's nice to finally get that out!

The Private Life

I've been living the Private Life lately

The life I had before I started blogging, myspacing, facebooking, flickring etc etc

What have I been up to?

Have I been alright?

Why haven't I blogged in a long time?

Motivation.

Blah-ness

A desire for a little privacy?

Time to come out of hiding

There have been plenty of blog-worthy happenings in the last couple of months, material is not the problem

I actually come up with blog ideas when I'm trying to fall asleep.

I've come really REALLY close to getting out of bed and actually typing some of them out.

(obviously, I haven't)

One of the many things that have hindered my blogging is my home computer.

It's a piece of shit.

It's in the extra bedroom.

Less than 6 feet from the cat boxes.

I don't have a comfy computer chair.

I use a large tupperware like container (it has my off-season clothes in it!)

Not exactly conducive to blogging and long stints on the interweb.

No more!

I now have a spiffy new laptop :D

Ah, yes, I will now be blogging comfortably from my favorite piece of furni: my couch <3

Let the updates begin...

2008 Election

Yeah, yeah, I haven't blogged in awhile...

It's 'Election Eve' and I just wanted to do a little post

I could say things like Tomorrow, history will be made and the world will change forever

Well, I'm not, there's plenty of that going around already

It's such a huge deal that I get this odd little tickle that whomever is elected won't make it through his first term... weird.

I'm not a doomsday type, and I'm not sure where it's coming from, but, I guess we'll see...

Bummer.

Especially since Obama is going to win.

One Year

The day after the Iowa vs. Iowa State day last year was the day my father died.

Today is the day after the Iowa vs. Iowa State game.

The exact date, the 16th, is Tuesday.

I've been more emotional than usual this past week, but today, the actual day, I'm ok.

This has been typical for the anniversaries over the past year.

I'm not falling apart or even feel like crying.

I'm actually a little relieved.

Relieved that the first year of grief is over.

It's been a tough year for me and I'm glad it's done.

I wonder if the first year of grieving is the most difficult?

So much has changed. I've changed.

I'm still getting used to who I am.

One of the people that has always been in my life is gone.

Hard to wrap my head around that sometimes...

Today is the day my dad passed away.

I miss you, dad, and I'll always love you

Football is Back!!

It's opening weekend for the NFL and I couldn't be happier

Finally, something worth watching on Sunday!

Right now my beloved Bears are leading the Colts 15-6 at half-time

Amazing! Go Bears!

I'm still looking for that Bears hoodie I was forced into buying one awful day in January last year at O'Hare airport

You know I way over paid for it.

Tailgating, tippy cup, bags, Monday Night Football at the bar, rivalries, and shouting at the television begins once again

I heart Football.

Today is Their Day!

Chad and Danielle are getting married!!

After many months of preparations, the day has finally come

I had the pleasure of meeting them almost 2 years ago in Vancouver

Here we are in Gastown with Neil



After spending some time with them I knew they were totally into each other, even though they wouldn't admit it....

It's hard to ignore the chemistry they have!

What a good fit :)

Congratulations!!

Tonsillectomy Pics

Mother was nice enough to take pictures of me before and after surgery

Before:


After:


The healing process, day 3:

My tongue is all discolored because it's bruised from where they clamped it and pulled it out.

Eeww, I know!

The white nasty stuff is the scabbing....

As you can see, my left tonsil (on the right) was much bigger, and that side hurts more

Liquid vicodin is doing the trick...not sure how I'm going to ween myself off of it enough to make it to work though!

Even though I'm sure it doesn't hurt nearly as much as some sore throats I've had without any drugs, after you get used to not feeling the pain, why would you go back?

Right now soup and ice cream are my best friends.

Twin Tonsil Extraction - Recovery

I made it!

We arrived at Mercy Medical Center early, and then wandered around for about 10 minutes before we found the right spot.

It looked like any old doctor's office, nothing like a serious surgery spot or anything like that!

Which helped me relax.

It's Ear Nose and Throat Day at the Ambulatory Surgery Center.

Deviated septums, ear tubes, tonsillectomies, the works!

Lots of kids' parents in the waiting room...

I get checked in, am issued a bracelet and then taken back to be prepped

The Anesthesiologist came to talk to me, he was a big kinda scary guy that stared me in the eye the entire time

I got a neat gown to wear, but keep your underpants on she said

Tie in the back.

Oh yeah, glad I wore some fancy underpants.

A nice IV was stuck in my right hand, fluids fluids fluids

Can't stress enough how important being hydrated is for this process

The pre-op nurse told me all about it.

Then the doctor

Then the Operating Room Nurse.

Lucky you, you have your mom here to take care of you and she's a nurse!

Finally it was time to head in to surgery...

They walked me down a hall, into a room that looked very serious

I laid down on a narrow table, with dents in it so you know where you should be, pretty comfortable really

They started putting stickies all over to monitor my vitals

Anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my face, breathe deeply about 3 or 4 times

That stuff smells bad!

I don't even remember drifting off

Next thing I do remember is coming out of a strange dream, being wheeled into stage 1 recovery

Damn, that was quick. (Mom said it was about 20 minutes)

My tongue hurts.

I'm annoyed by the oxygen thing in my nose.

My lips are dry.

I'm thirsty.

The nurse brings over a cotton swab of vaseline and smears it all over my lips

I have to wait an hour before I get anything to drink

My throat hurts a little, but not too bad

A guy is wheeled in next to me, I can't see him but he's not cooperating with everyone

I try to look and they pull the curtain.

Finally time to go to stage 2 recovery, where mom can join me.

They wheel my bed over there, how did I end up in this thing anyway?

I get to sit in a comfy recliner with warm blankets, my IV, and a crushed up popsicle

Best thing I've ever had!

There are whining screaming children in the recovery 'rooms' on either side of me

I'm a little out of it, coming off the anesthetic...

My throat didn't hurt that badly....huh

I go to the bathroom, fluids are going right through me, and check out my throat

It looks like they took an ice cream scooper to it!

Two hollowed out sections

They said I had huge tonsils too.

From the big voids in there, I believe them!

I'll see if I can get a pic, but let me tell ya, now that they're scabbing over, it's not pretty

Like, REALLY not pretty.

Scabs in your mouth are all white.

Like when you get a scab on your knee wet? It starts to get soft and white and falls off?

Yep, just like that.

Gross.

The pain medicine tastes pretty pleasant and yes I'm very diligent about taking it every four hours.

Even waking up in the middle of the night to do it.

Makes me a little dizzy but takes care of the pain quickly!

Though, without it, I don't think it'd hurt that bad, I've had some terrible sore throats in my day, when I could barely swallow my own spit

This isn't as bad!

My tongue does hurt a bit, where they clamped it and pulled it out no doubt.

Ick, what a picture.

Having all those fluids made me feel awesome btw

I should drink tons and tons of water all the time. Holy crap, it's uncanny how good I felt.

I'm enjoying my soups, sherbet, scrambled eggs, water, more soup, wash, rinse repeat...

Mom is taunting me with chips and hummus.

Not fair!

No chips for me for a long time :(

slow, like honey,

my tears drip down my cheeks

i'm reading about the benefit of funerals when it hits me

a wave of grief

remembering the funeral home

the countless hours spent there.

cements the fact that you're dead.

gone.

just a body lying there in the casket.

helps those of us left behind to face reality.

i'm sad. i'm frustrated. i'm feeling left out. i hate it.

i'm having surgery, no matter how minor, it is surgery, and you won't be here or even make a phone call to express concern

or relief that everything went ok

to check up and see how i'm doing

why is it easier to cry alone

i don't want it to be this way

how do i tell you

i want help. i'm stubborn.

you may not understand, but someone has to be first. just happens to be me.

i'm a different person now, it's confusing

how much will return to 'normal' and how much will not

such a lonely place

the book calls this a grief spasm.

i'm not going to be feeling well soon

that's when it always hits me.

won't i be a charming little mess in a few days.

gentle poetic grief...ha, not mine. not now. must be an invention of time.

frustrated angry grief. so much left unsaid grief.

why. so many whys.

some things are making more sense.

others never will.

sleep. you dirty stranger you.

someday.

It's Time

Oh, yes.

It's Time.

I'm voluntarily giving up body parts on Wednesday.

Yes, it's true.

They're coming out.

The tonsils.

My tonsils.

I say bring on the pain....and then the pain medication!

I've read a bit about adult recovery from a tonsillectomy.

Ice chips.

Icing your neck.

Never miss a dose of the happy elixir.

No straws.

Lots and lots of liquids.

Constant bathroom breaks.

Lovely, suddenly I'm retired.

I'm a little nervous.

And a little not.

Mother asked me if I knew where all my 'important papers' were...

Mortgage, car, 401k, life insurance....etc etc

How morbidly necessary.

If I'm not too fuzzy, well, even if I am...I will blog this lovely experience....

Ugh, now I have to clean the toilets.

Mother is coming after all...

Donkey Ride

I've had 3 dates in the last 4 days!

Date #1 was by far the most fucked up experience.

He contacted me via a website for Sugar Daddies to meet potential Sugar Babies.

He's the type that likes to spoil his lady.

He's 41, single, prolly has 'summer kids', and makes a lot of money.

(summer kids - some are here some are there...)

How do I know these things?

He made sure to repeat himself over and over.

Aside from all of that, he's about 6' tall, really buff, and swears he doesn't like to show it off, yet he wore a really tight shirt.

Despite his manly appearance, he has a very effeminate voice!

Call me shallow, but how do you cope with that?!

He makes a lot of money.

Luckily other issues came up so I didn't have to resort to shallowness.

I'm really very honored and pleased that you decided to have dinner with me tonight.

A nice statement....the FIRST time he said it.

I swear I heard it at LEAST a dozen more times...

Then he started in on the Ex.

He's only been single for a month and a half.

They dated for 3.5 years.

REBOUND.

And, of course, bitch was crazy.

Oh yeah, he makes a lot of money too.

He started in on how he'd love to fly me here, fly me there, first class, did you know I bought that bitch a $12,000 Gucci bag and when I got to our house by the lake her family was helping her move MY shit out of MY house that I PAID FOR.

SIGH.

The insecurity, the constant interruption, and reminders that he makes a lot of money pretty much killed it for me.

The voice was the nail in the coffin.

I was damn near giving him dating advice at the end of it all.

Right after he tried to make me PROMISE that I'd go out with him again.

Did I mention he makes a lot of money?

The whole thing was really sad and pathetic but I couldn't bring myself to be a bitch about it.

Like I would have in the past.

No, no I'm going to be NICE.

Why on earth....?

I don't know!

After he left me at the bar with some of his colleagues that just so happened to be there - to run off to his next date I found out - guess what happened?

They started hitting on me.

Sure the one was really cute, but talk about baggage:

36, in process of getting divorced for the second time, house in the burbs, 3 kids, and 6 cats!

Ouch.

(Date #2)

I went out with him anyway cuz he makes me laugh.

I know that prolly won't go anywhere, but we had fun.

One thing I absolutely HATE and I'm not sure why....he called and texted me the next day.

And the day after that.

I can handle a text if it's short and requires no response.

Anything else is too much.

I feel crowded.

Date #3

The Elusive MySpace friend.

Yes, I meet people from MySpace.

Usually, if I really want to meet them, it's within 5 emails.

We've probably traded messages for a good 6 months...at least. I can't even remember.

And a few phone calls here n there.

Total surfer dude.

Also has baggage:

Crazy Ex that up and moved to Iowa then filed for full custody while he was still living in Cali. He had to leave his house and spanking new beamer to move here asap to make the court date.

What a bitch.

32ish years old, two boys: 3 and 5

Funny, nice, looks older than he is, but no spark.

Total Friend Zone.

My stock is blowing up in the online dating world, it's craziness!

I may or may not meet my next boyfriend in the next month, but hey, at this rate, 1/3 are Duds, 1/3 are new friends, and 1/3 potential flings...maybe a sliver of those are possible boyfriends?

And free food!

Built-in Friends

Or as many of you may know them: Roommates

Depending on how Crazy-Cat Lady I'm feeling, I may or may not have 2 roommates.

Furry bitches....

Roommates are a curious breed.

I've only had 2 roommates since I moved out of the college dorms

The first was my Bible-Thumping-Nebraska-far-raised-our-section-of-the-dorm-in-charge-person

RA, or whatever they call them...

The most memorable moments were always Sunday mornings....

When, uh, one of my 'Tutees' and I would emerge from my room (after a long night of tutoring), to a moment some might consider awkward:

Um, good morning, Chandra....this is....(insert name here)....

Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you (name)

I'm going to take him home now....

We bolted out the door as quickly as possible.

What was so awkward about it?

She was usually sitting on the couch reading the BIBLE in complete silence.

Though I have to hand it to her, she never lectured me or anything...I never even noticed a raised eyebrow.

Bless her heart.

She was a pretty good roommate actually.

The next one, not so.

He turned out to be an alcoholic.

Had to kick him out after 6 months.

I would come home some nights, man in tow, to The Drunk so wasted he couldn't even form WORDS, in the kitchen wielding a butcher knife, cutting up a chicken and making a marinade.

That or he'd be passed out on the toilet, pants around his ankles, leather jacket still on, beer in hand, door wide open...

Or worse....(what could be worse?!)

The above scenario, only NAKED

After that, it's been solo (plus two cats and numerous fish)

Can you blame me?

Anyway, I'm the only member of one of my groups of friends, The Family, that lives alone.

No built-in friends.

No one to say, hey, how was your day?

No 'default companion' for activities

If I want to go to a movie, say right now, I'd most likely have to go it alone.

Well, surely you could just call some one?

Sure, I could, but that takes work.

Yes, friendship takes work.

I am lazy.

Not the best combination.

Point is, I have a lot of Me Time.

I used to love Love LOVE Me Time.

Too much of a good thing...well it gets boring.

Funny how it changes from day to day too.

I can go a whole weekend without having a conversation with someone.

When was the last time you did that?!

It leaves a lot of time for thinking, which is probably good for me....and not good for me at the same time.

Like, thinking about all of the things I feel I SHOULD be doing...or kinda WANT to do...

For example, exercising.

The whole playing soccer thing, even though I'm sore as fuck afterwards, I also feel damn good.

Gimme more a dat!

Or that long-long-so-long-it's-never-ending list of Home Improvement Projects.

Ack.

Or this comical it's-been-up-so-long-I'll-have-to-scrub-the-fuck-out-of-it-to-erase-it Shit to do List?

My friends have lovingly added to it.

And if there's a guy hanging around, it never fails, he'll write his name right under 'Shit to do'

Double Ack.

How about, where's my motivation?!

that's the first one I need to answer.

Adventures of Soccer Boy

Or as I'll refer to him in this post, the Contractor

A few posts ago I mentioned a Flirty Email

Well, it worked.

Just as I suspected it would.

See, I've been trying to let the Man be the Man and not be the one doing all the asking all the time...

Men fell good when they do Manly things.

Like asking the chick out first

So I opened the door and gave him an opportunity to do just that

A date was set: Saturday night, dinner and ??

I decided to let him plan it.

(Not always the best idea)

He actually came and picked me up...

Not an option on the first few dates for me if I barely know someone, but since we had played soccer together and had mutual acquaintances I was ok with it

I thought it was kind of sweet, a little old fashioned maybe

Sushi dinner, conversation wasn't bad, food was good cept for one of the rolls was way too fishy

Gross.

People were staring at me too.

At least I felt like they were and maybe caught a few dirty older guys in the act...

I was glammed up like that.

I dropped the Dead Daddy Bomb on him on the way out to his truck...

He handled it really well.

Impressive.

Drinks at one of my favorite bars, more chatting...then it started pouring and I decided we should go back to my place and watch a movie

One episode of the Venture Brothers and a Domino later...

He actually asked if he could kiss me.

Who is this guy?

A couple hours of hot make-out-on-the-couch-action later, he left.

Damn. It's been awhile since I've done that.

It was awesome.

Date 2 was less then stellar

Date 2.5...he picked my drunk ass up from the bar.

A sunday morning spent in bed watching bad tv cuddling was pretty amazing.

I decided after date 2.0 that I was going to cut it off after Date 3

Contractor doesn't meet the Pi's Nerdy Requirement.

The Ambition Factor wasn't all that high either....

Sure, he was good company, as long as he kept his mouth shut.

Date 3 was over the new batman movie (love it!) and a quick bite to eat

Then on the way home I spouted off...

Ummm so do you think this is going anywhere?

Well, um, I do and I don't...

Ok, cuz I don't. You're so nice and everything but it just isn't there for me...y'know you can't force it...

He took it like a champ.

A 36 yr old single never married no kids kinda guy has heard this thing before...

SIGH

Isn't it fucked up when you realize that one of your friends is a damn good match for you but there's just one thing missing?

Like what?

That SPARK

That tear-your-clothes-off-Fuck-Me-I'm-Famous-SPARK

A change needs to be made.

A new thing

A new person

A new place

SOMETHING

Where did that excitement go?!

Your Days are Numbered....

Tonsils!

Those bastards are scheduled for extraction August 27th.

From what I've heard it isn't exactly a cakewalk

Liquid and mushy diet for a few days

Possible Bleeding

A Constant Companion

Yes, I need to have someone around for a week after because the scabs could come loose and start bleeding and I could choke to death

Charming, eh?

Why have I elected to do this to myself?

Because of a nasty little guy called Tonsillitis.

We've gotten together at least twice a year for the past 6 or so years

You may be familiar with him:


Yep, a lovely gentleman.

Apparently at the ripe age of 26, you shouldn't be keeping such company...

This will be the closest thing to a major surgery I've ever had.

I'm actually not nervous about it.

Can't wait.

Yank those suckers out to make way for something big and better....

Unfortunately the Day coincides with the start of the regular bowling season.

Damnit.

Regular bowlers, how I miss you!

I have all this free time...no idea what to do with it...except be lazy

Which is nice, on occasion, but I'm more of a need-to-be-busy-to-get-shit-done type

I still have a couple of weeks free until I'm back to the regular work hours so I've come up with a 'plan'

Plan: Figure shit out!

I read today that my company will pay for any kind of counseling service its employees or their family members may feel they need....

I am all over that

Not exclusively for grief, I'm more interested in some help on the figuring-out-my-career side

How ironic.

A first of forever

July 15th has never been anything special.

Until now.

Now it's the day I last saw my dad alive.

July 15, 2007

It was a Sunday

He was in town to help me work on my condo

To finish what we had started the previous weekend:

It's all here

Mom had given me some $$ to fix the place up

I remember Dad saying Since I can't give you money like your mother, I'm going to help you as much as I can. All I have is time to give.

Two months and a day later, he died.

The last time I saw him he was standing on my patio waving at me as I pulled away to head back to my apartment.

He wanted to do as much as possible before leaving the next day. He felt he hadn't done enough yet, so instead of driving home on Sunday night, he worked until I don't know when and then got up super early.

A year later, I still haven't finished what we started together.

This condo, my first home, has a special place in my memory and my heart.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to sell it, as keeping it wasn't in the long term plan.

I didn't spend much time with Dad in the last four years of his life

In fact, the most recent picture I have of us together was taken in 2004 at his wedding reception.

I took so many pictures of what we were doing here together and didn't even snap one of us, dirty, smelly, and annoyed with each other.

A few weeks before he was due to come help, I was at his house discussing my plans for the place.

As I left, we were standing on his stoop, he gave me a big hug and said, You're all grown up, I'm really happy with the way you turned out. I'm so proud of you.

I thought he was going to cry, and I kinda brushed it off with an Oh Dad...

Now it's one of my favorite memories of him.

Hard to believe I haven't seen you in a year.

I miss you.

A picture of us, taken in 1995, when I was 13 and didn't like taking pictures:























I keep this one on my desk at work, it makes me smile

Everybody in Florida was smoking pot

I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching to State Farm.

Screw you, Farmer's!

The 'account executive' I spoke to is one of those guys that has a not-so-manly voice which makes your gay suspicions spike so you start looking for something about him that screams I LOVE PUSSY.

I'm not sure I found one...

Anyway, the summer weather has finally arrived, the cats are shedding like mad, and I'm starting to get that nice summer glow

Time for a fling!

Summer flings...ahhh do you remember?

Maybe you're in one right now.

Thing about em is, you KNOW it isn't going to last, so you just bone all the time and have fun.

No pressure.

The weather will turn in a few months and you'll (most likely) decide this isn't the person I want keeping me warm during the winter so you just stop calling.

Voila. Fling.

or Flings...

I sent a Flirty Email today.

You know where that leads?

Flirty Dinner and Flirty Drinks.

(and maybe Flirty Soccer since that's where I met him...)

Yep, there's the catch. He's on my soccer team.

Have to be careful with that!!

Doesn't quite violate the 'No co-workers, classmates, or neighbors' rule but it's in that grey zone...

Which brings me to Dating.

The only date in recent memory was something I don't care to repeat.

Everything, (well, not everything, he was LATE!!) was going alright, then, inevitably, family comes up.

How the hell do you tell someone you don't even know, or even barely know, that your dad died less than a year ago?

It is easier to say, I'd rather not talk about family when it comes up?

Or preface the date with There's something I'd rather not talk about with you just yet, try and guess what it is!

There are other topics that could lead to The Death Talk, such as the condo conversation, course I'll say I worked on it with dad, then questions about him could ensue...

This is tricky.

It could lead to some hella awkward situations. (yes, I just used 'hella' and I know it's retarded.)

I understand that because before this, I had no idea how to react to news like that either.

Someone write A Dating Guide for the Grieving: So you lost a Parent? (not to be confused with the Dating Guide for the Grieving: So you lost a Spouse?)

What if, on the off chance the date can relate?

I don't want to spend some of the night in tears talking about our dead parents (not on the first date anyway...)

oh le sigh. I'll have to stumble it out...

Last Wednesday I was in Chicago once again

At the United Center

With my mom

For a concert

Last year (or the year before, who can remember?) it was Madonna

This year: George Michael

Laugh and point if you must but it was THE MOST AWESOMEST CONCERT EVER!!!

We had seats 11 rows up from the floor, the view was amazing

Totally spoiled ourselves with $250 seats.

You can't go back to the nosebleeds after that. No way.

There were some die hard fans.

This one lady, whose hair style hasn't changed in 25 years, was wearing a brightly colored jean jacket with his face airbrushed over the entire back.

Sequins and rhinestones on the front spelled out Freedom and Faith

Fucking sweet.

Everyone was on their feet singing and dancing

Pretty sure he played all my favorite songs

And, as the night progressed, he became more flamboyant!

Didn't bring my camera in for a change. Not sure why.

Could have taken awesome pics.

(I stole from flickr instead)

More tomorrow, but in a different tone...

if you're wondering about the title I pulled it from a track in Mark Farina's Live in Tokyo

That one guy

Everyone knows him.

That One Guy.

He's not a 'regular' in any of your circles

You don't even see him that often

But he calls

Just to chat.

That Guy.

Like that episode of Family Guy when Peter goes all pansy and calls Quagmire 'just to talk...sooo what are you doing....?'

Calling just to chat is a decidedly unmanly activity.

What does he chat about?

Fuck if I know!

It's like listening to any girlfriend you've ever had.

Work this and money that, btw you should invest in this microcap company, my roommate yadda yadda...

For the most part, it's fine.

For the other part, it's not.

When someone has a 'great investment' that they 'can't wait to tell you about' do you cringe?

I do.

It's just as bad as those religious jerks that show up at your door.

Or is it worse?

You can't just peep through the hole, strip down to your undies and then open the door and scare them away.

Hmm.

Coincidentally he's also the Really Chatty Drunk Guy.

And he's the Guy That Can't Handle His Liquor...

Bad combo.

But he's my buddy and no, I'd never let him move in with me even though he really needs a new place, but I'll listen to him bitch about whatever kind of rommate he does find...

Moderation is key.

We had dinner Tuesday night and I heard this song on the XM radio that was totally awesome...

I'm on a mission to find it.

I have no idea what it's called or who it's by, but it's in my head!

Don'tcha hate that?

In other news, I've been a homeowner for a year this Saturday!!

Wow. A whole year...already?

There are so many projects that I haven't finished yet, even more that I haven't started, and new ideas popping up...

No rush, this place is mine!

A couple nights ago I saw a newat pattern in the way the light hit the wall next to my front door.

Since that area is a bit sparse on decor, I decided to trace the pattern and paint it...

Mini weekend project, anyone?

Not this weekend, last minute, let's go to Chicago to celebrate Little Brother's 23rd birthday :)

Note: while searching for pics/formatting I found that song!! (Estelle - American Boy)

some real shit

here i sit. late at night. storm outside, lighting streaming in through the window.

I was lying in bed just now thinking about the things that two of my friends said to me a few hours ago.

There's more to you than you let on. Why don't you share all of the 'regular' stuff? Tell us about your boring day or your stupid cat, why does it always have to be over the top crazy shit?

Apparently it makes some people uncomfortable. It's intimidating.

I know I'm intimidating without even opening my mouth. Why complicate it?

I'm Compensating.

It's an old habit. Always go over the top, always shock them, be the most 'out there'

But why?

Before, I'm not sure why I did it.

I know why I do it now though.

It's easier than saying the things I really want to say.

I like to keep things upbeat and happy.

The things I want to talk about aren't.

I don't like complainers and I feel that some of the things I'd talk about would come off that way.

Others are difficult to understand.

The things that I would love to tell my friends:

I miss you. I tell a couple of you this, but I'm not sure how much it helps.

I'm lonely.

I'm grieving the death of my father. I know you don't understand and probably have no idea what to say to this. In this case the wrong things usually come out. I don't want to deal with those things. I've heard them all and it's a tough enough situation as it is without you saying the wrong thing. If/when you do, it only makes me angry. I know you have good intentions, but it's hard to overlook when dealing with this kind of pain, it's frustrating.

The state of my family since the death. No, life isn't alway fun and pretty. I know this, but I'd rather act to the contrary when with friends. I don't want to be debbie downer. Plus, I have no idea if you even want to hear about it or help me with this.

Lost.

Absolutely.

I have no idea where I'm going career wise. It's a tough subject usually written off with, 'I don't define myself by what I do for money. It's just what I do to pay for the things I really want to do.' But what are those things? Again, no idea.

My personal issues. When I'm having stupid girly moments and want to bitch about how I think I've gained weight since I stopped working my regular part time hours or how I"m stressed about money since I didn't plan on my home owner's insurance or warranty coming due...these are things that I'd like to talk about but I always hold back. Money is a sensitive subject.

Why? I don't want to be a burden? I'd like everyone to think that I'm just fine and life is grand?

That's probably part of it.

How long has it been since you've cried about dad dying?

Too long.

Just thinking about visiting his grave and placing flowers there for father's day gets me going. Maybe I'm depressed about it, I don't know for sure. Counseling is too expensive.

No more hand painted coffee cups, bad ties, packages of 6 pairs of socks or even phone calls.

I don't get to do that anymore.

Is this what you'd rather hear? Are you comfortable and ready to deal with this?

I'm not sure I am.

Where do we go from here?

Tilt, Tuck, and Tighten

I went back and read the last post and am amazed at the optimism and excitement

After my first soccer game I felt great, but I was also a little uncomfortable as my muscles started to react to my Let's get in shape first efforts

The next two days were absolute HELL

I've never experienced such severe muscle pain in my life.

Everything tightened up.

I could barely walk

I didn't know I used my sides and shoulders to play soccer, but that shit hurt, so I must....

Probably the running. Ick.

Aside from the delayed onset muscle soreness, my knees have finally healed.

My next game is this Saturday.

Terrified of the aftermath, I resigned last week to go out and do some running around, a brisk walk, ANYTHING at least 3 times before my next game.

Ummmm I didn't do anything but eat, drink, and be merry over the long weekend....

So, today, instead of lying on the couch relaxing and eating AGAIN, I decided to bounce around with a little soccer ball

It felt kinda dumb doing it in the living room, but I'm one of those retards that's embarrassed to exercise by herself in view of other people.

Like it matters.

No, it doesn't, it's just a stupid hang-up of mine.

One time, on a Saturday a few months ago, when I still had a bit of a shopping/spending problem, I was relazing on the couch watching TV.

Have you ever tried to watch TV on a Saturday?

Without cable?

Well, there's jack shit on...

Except 'Paid Programming'

Infomercials.

And what do you know, an exercise program was on...

Hip Hop Abs.

You've seen the commercials: Get fit with Shaun T. to cool hip hop music!

I cringe during those commercials...

Then I actually picked up the phone and ordered that shit.

I know, I'm amazed too.

I never thought I'd do that either.

In fact, I've been embarrassed to even TELL people that I own those dvds....

So, I'm doing it here instead.

::SIGH::

Get over it, Pi.

Moving along, playing solo with the ball was a warm up.

I popped in one of the Hip Hop Abs dvds and did the whole 30 minutes.

Feel the burn!

I felt it.

that and ridiculous.

They make it look so easy too.

Jerks.

Why can't it be like older peoples' workout dvds where everyone isn't perfect and is still working on getting into shape?

That would make me feel better.

I'm not the only one that isn't as quick on her feet as previously thought or coordinated or flexible or...

Tomorrow, I'm going to do it again.

Two steps: START and KEEP GOING.

Fuck, this is difficult!

hah, owner/CEO of beachbody, the company that puts out Hip Hop Abs among other things blogs.