Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Odorous Bunch

We've all passed them by, or even met them, and we've all definitely smelled them.

They are members of The Odorous Bunch.

Not as jolly as the Brady Bunch, and they number much more than 8...

There may be one sitting in your office...or even...in your home! GASP

might even be one.

They are the people that bathe in perfume or cologne, it could be they don't have a sense of smell.

Or that they do and they splash it on in an effor to cover their potent natural musk.

Old Ladies make up a large part of this club. They smell foofy and flowery and generally make you want to hurl. Their stench is characterized by the tendency to linger for at least 15 mintues.

Then there're the Rico Suaves of the world. You'll run into them wherever posers hang out. They sport tight shiny shirts and little pony tails. They make women swoon, and not in a good way.

Another prominent member of this prestigious of groups is the Deodorant Hound. Typically older men and if young, skeezy. Their natural male musk is enhanced by some variety of Old Spice or Speed Stick. The result is a cross between rhino piss and a locker room after gym class.


These people have only one use as far as I'm concerned.

Their stench can kill insects within a 5 foot radius.

So next time you have that Barbeque, invite Grandma and the skeeze down the street.

Ok, Grandma, I need you to stay right here on the edge of the deck. Tino, (what else would they be named?!) I need you over here...

Tell her she'll be out of the way of the blowing grill smoke and the mis-guided teenagers of the group....and guys like Tino.

Presto! No need for that pesky bug zapper, tiki torches, or citronella candles.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Panty Lies

Many a dispicable thing has been done to get into panties around the world.

Here are a few that I've heard of in the last week:

Hanging out in the parking lot of a club and slashing tires of hot women. When they come out later, he can be their 'Knight in Seedy Armor' and change their tire for them...he claims it works every time.

Claiming his mother died. Enter Pity Sex. Story goes she called him at home and his mother answered...busted!

Now, there's just something sick about that. and Pathetic.

Swiping a kid from a backyard and later claiming he found him/her in the park and becoming 'The Hero that Saved my Child'

Can you say, "Kidnapping," Mr. Pervert?

. . . shocking isn't it?

Apparently Heros make panties melt. (and musicians, no matter how ugly...)

Even if they aren't legit.

Talk about sad.

If you've heard awful things that make the panties drop, do share...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I must be 5

So Easter was a big 'So What' this year.

Food was consumed and family time spent...

I didn't receive one chocolate bunny. Thank God.

BUT I DID receive some Ridiculous Easter Crap.

Crap #1: An ewtsy cutesy little pink beeny baby bunny HURL

Crap #2: An ewtsy cutesy bunny in a hat SPEW

Crap #3: A wind chime? A door hanger? I don't know what the fuck it is, but it's got bells and bunnies and it's ugly. RALPH

Crap #4: An oversized yellow fuzzy chick that waddles around on the floor and plays The Chicken Dance. THE DISGUSTING SICKNESS OF FOOD POISONING (if you've ever had it, you know what i mean)

The Chicken Dance is STRICTLY reserved for making an ass of oneself at a wedding.

Retarded and utterly Ridiculous.

And Annoying.

Even my cats were baffled by the idiocy before them.

Last I checked, I was well over the age of 5...

I think it beats the Christmas gift my stepsister gave me.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Officer Friendly

I know, I been away too long...work's got me all stressed out and busy yadayadayada you don't care just gimme a post...so here it is:

I have a friend that is a cop.

Cops have odd hours: 5 days on, 3 days off, 6 days on, 2 days off. 3pm-11pm

So he's off in time to see some good TV and/or have a few hours at the bar.

Officer Friendly said he usually doesn't get out of bed till 11am-ish then showers, eats and watches crappy daytime TV.

Like Judge Mathis. . .and 'COPS'

. . .

I bet he brings a notepad and thinks to himself. . .'I wonder if I look that bad-ass?' and

'I really like the way he put that guy in his place.'

haHA! prolly more like, 'I'd beat that guy's ass so fast . . .oh wait...there it is! THAT'S my boys!!'

At one point, he turned to me and said, "I think I arrested the lady sitting next to me..."

I'd feel like a total ass.

He said the work environment is pretty tense all the time.

I imagine if I worked with a bunch of people that carried hand-cuffs, mace, nightsticks, and guns, I would too.

He pulled someone over the other night because the muffler on the car was only being held on by duct tape!


There's nothin it can't do.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Why don't you RAM it up your nose.

This POS Dell had a crappy stick o' RAM.

I thought maybe it partied more than I did over the weekend.

It was wheezing and beeping up a storm yester-morning.

So I'm running slow, down 256.

The Dell Guy came to replace it today.

ANOTHER bad stick.


which means Blogger's Fat Ass is impossible.

So this is all you get.

And Friday is a paid holiday. Eat it, bitches!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

ARGH Meetings . . .

It seems blogging has gone to the wayside lately. . .

5 meetings in one day is absolutely ridiculous.

By the time I get back to my desk, I can't even remember what I was working on before the meeting!

When I finally get everything straightened out in my head, guess what?



While I waste away in my many meetings, the grass is getting greener, the temp is rising, and there's a clear sunny day out my window.

I'd much rather be watching the cops pull over speeders, the geese that live in the parking lot, and the hawk that stalks around the building. . .

I think my window has had a negative effect on my productivity . . but it sure is nice.

Hopefully I'll be back at it next week . . .