Friday, December 30, 2005

The S Curve

I have this knack. It could even be considered a talent.

Or maybe I just like looking at crotches.

My name is Spi Pi,
and I am a Crotch Watcher.

If a guy is wearing jeans that fit just right - y'know, a little snug around the naughty bits - I can take a look at said crotch and tell which side pedro is preferring that night.

I don't look at crotches just for this reason, but sometimes it's hard not to notice!

Well, I was at the bar last night, and I noticed that one of my friends was wearing snug jeans:

"So, you're hanging to the left tonight?"

I usually get a questioning look, until they notice that I'm staring at their crotch.

"OH. (looks down) Um, yeah, I guess I am!"

From there the conversation Naturally moved on to masturbation...

The guys began to discuss how their dominant hand isn't always the best for a good yank. A few found their left hand to be better than their right, even though they are right-handed.

One guy said he could go either way.

Well, I HAD to encourage this kind of conversation, especially since we were drunk and talking loudly:

"Lube or Dry?"

Lube: 3 Dry: 1 Ok.

"So, if he's tending towards the left tonight, will you use your left hand?"

They all looked at me, intrigued. After a few moments of reflection:

"I never noticed that it leans to the side I like better!"

"Brilliant!" (x4)

Then we discussed the curve: the banana, inverted banana, or flagpole, and if they correlated to which side and/or preferred hand. There was some agreement found between the 3 Lubes.

Then we looked at the one guy that said he could use either hand for dry satisfaction.

"What do you want? I've got an S Curve!"


While looking for an image today I came across and these:

Hurry! You don't want to miss the pre-release specials-only available until Feb. 15!

Double-UPs™ + sloops® = Style + Comfort

WTF I say, W...T...F?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

My First Frenchie

I have various arousing tales, and it could be that this one started it all...

I grew up in the great city of Chicago. The public schools there aren't the best, so I went to St. Bartholomew Catholic School.

That picture is of the actual church (surprise, surprise, they have a website!)

Well, on with the story...

I was A Catholic School Girl in 7th grade when I was invited to a sleep-over for my friend Luz's birthday.

Her parents and brother went to bed upstairs; we were all camped out in the living room with our sleeping bags.

We were just sitting around watching late-night soap opera re-runs, being our innocent little selves...

Then, a brilliant idea: Let's act out the soap-operas ourselves!

Everyone picked a role to play, I got to be in the audience.

I kind of spaced out at this point since the next thing I recall is looking across the room and seeing all of my Catholic School Girl friends making out on the floor!

Well, being in the seventh grade, you strive for a certain kind of acceptance.

"C'mon, guys, I wanna do it too..."

"But you have braces, I don't want to cut my tongue."

"I'll be careful, please!?"

"Ok, come sit on the floor right here."

So I sat on the floor and leaned against the couch. My friend, Paulina, came over and straddled me.

Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.

So we made out, switched partners, and made out some more...

The next morning, I was walking to the 7-11 with Luz. She commented,

"I made out with Marta so much that I can still taste her."

All of you wonderful perverts now know what happens at Catholic School Girl's ok, go ahead and grab that box of tissues...

That is the story of my first french kiss and the beginning of my interest in women...

And, YES, I still have the skirt.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Best Christmas Card EVER

This is the card I received for Christmas from my dear was stuffed with Cold Hard Cash.

He's quite creative...

In case you can't read it, the cover says:

"A luminous light remains where a beautiful soul has passed."

-Antoine Boveua

The inside reads:

"May the love of family and friends bring comfort, (and may time bring you solace.)" this holiday. Merry Christmas

Way to go, Jere.

He gave my mother a modified birthday card. The picture on the front was of three old wrinkly ladies in one-piece bathing suits standing around a surfboard.

The inside read: Bikinis may get old, (but sexy is forever.) Merry Christmas! Love, Jeremy.

Again, my brother rocks!

Every Christmas I receive at least one Hokey-Ass Gift. This year it was from my dear and challenged step-sister; she gave me the Homedics Envirascape Glistening Steps Fountain...guaranteed to:

'Enhance the environment at home or work,' and 'Improve Concentration: Masks distractions so you can stay focused.'

Yeah, focused on my various time-wasters, like this damn my cube here at the office is full of peace and serenity...(and splashing water near an exposed outlet...)

Amazingly everyone has come by to stare at it like it's the most breathtaking thing they've ever seen! We really are in Hell with Flourescent Lighting if that thing is awe-inspiring...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My Ugly-Ass Cat

I adopted a blue-cream persian a few years ago.

Even though she looks like she ran into a door and bashed her face in, I think she's adorable.

Everyone thinks she is just The Ugliest Cat.

__________ might not win any beauty contests, but she's got a great personality!
How many times have you heard that? Well, it's true about Jayda.

Here's the catch: she has some rather disgusting personal habits...

She has long hair, really long hair. The hair on her chest is so long that it gets stuck in her mouth when she cleans herself. Then there are hairballs. ick.

Those huge amber eyes, like some dogs, tear. Alot. They tear so much that when she shakes her head, she flings brown eye goo everywhere. I have brown spots on my walls, on my toilet, on my furniture. Everywhere. Gross.

Her other charming habits include cuddling up to you while you're watching TV, sleeping, reading, or doing anything while sitting on the couch. That doesn't sound too bad, but it's the way she does it that is odd. She likes to stick her face in your armpit. Or right onto any exposed skin, like an arm, or your neck.

Recall:brown eye goo. It will leave a brown spot on your shirt. It will rub off her scratchy little face onto your skin, which is not a pleasant feeling.

When you pull away in utter disgust, she looks at you with those huge, gooey eyes, and then down at the mess she made, and licks it off.

She also likes to sleep on my face. I'm not sure how she figures that I'd like a big furball laying on my face, but she acts like it's the most comfortable place on earth. She can't get enough. What can I say? I'm just that good.

She's gross. I love her, but I'd never get another persian.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Random Sayings & Happenings

A few funny giblets from the last few days:

We decorated a Christmas tree. A Naughty Christmas Tree. One of the best ideas I've ever had!

Ingrediants: Multi-colored Sharpies, one Christmas tree, plain glass ornaments, your perverted friends

Instructions:Give perverted friends sharpies and ornaments. Write dirty things on ornaments.

Some favorites: Twat Waddle, and Taint: the other white meat.

Pickles. They are cucumbers that sold their souls. There are lots of pickle-haters in this world. If they started to rally together their motto would be Dill is the Devil I love pickles. To all you pickle-haters, look out, cuz I am:

I'll get you in your sleep!

Is this cool or what:

I'm sitting here wasting time; I haven't done a lick of work all day, in fact I almost passed out during our meeting this morning. I was introduced to this really cool gaming site. I downloaded one of my all-time favorite games from childhood: The Lost Vikings. I'm listening to music, checking email, IMing, and playing this game all at once, when my manager comes into my cube. The first thing she says is, "Wow is that Lost Vikings?!"

"Sure is."

Then she told me about how her family loved to play that game and with a passion, I might add. Then she left. "Oh yeah, came by to tell you I'm copying you in on an email about something you probably won't even have to worry about until next week."

"Ok, thanks." And she was gone. I guess I looked like I was being productive...

This is grossly funny:

I just returned from a trip to the restroom. While I was in there, the lady in the next stall received a call on her cell. She answered. She tinkled really slow. Right before the automatic flush kicked in, she acted like she was losing the call and hung up.

I joined her at the sink, and just as she finished drying her hands, her phone rang. This is what she said:

"Oops, sorry, I lost ya there." Amazing.

Maybe we should just relocate to the bathroom all together...

I give you the Future in Office Furniture

Friday, December 16, 2005

She Gets a Little Crazy Sometimes...

I have two groups of friends, The JJ Crowd, and The Group.

I have finally decided to try to mesh them a little, after all, they have things in common...

Take beer, rum, and shots for instance.

So there we were at the bar, all sitting at a table. And then it came up, those words that conjur up wild stories and crazy hijinks, "I remember the first time I hung out with Steph."

Oh boy. Here we go...

"She totally molested me!" "I know! Me too!" (heard this last part 3 times...)

"She grabbed my crotch!" "Oh my God! Mine too!" (see above)

Me: "Did I really?!"

Jenny: "Yes, you totally did! And you're still doing it, your hand is on my leg!"

Me: "So it is..."

At least I treat them all the same. So maybe I get Happy Hands after drinking alot of *Tequila* a fact they are all well aware of, now, anyway!

And despite that, they're all still my friends! It just wouldn't be right if they all didn't have a picture with me grabbing their boobs, or mine, or both! I personally think it's a perk.

The guys at the table just sat there and laughed, enjoying the show. Way to go guys!

We were planning to go to a strip club the next night. Then one of my most famous stories came up:The Porn Star Story.

A few of them had heard it, several times. Some hadn't heard it at all.

I need to dig up a picture beforeI post that one...Cheers!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Cashews: our dirty little friends

I listened to some Dane Cook the other night. That's some funny ass shit! I highly recommend it!

He started talking about this massive erection he had that just wouldn't go away...he was in his kitchen, looked over and spotted a bowl of mixed nuts...not sure how he decided it would be a good idea, but he pushed down on his rod and placed a cashew right on the head.

Why a cashew? Because it's curved! It has this natural ability to stay nestled on the's Nature's Dirty Little Secret, he let go and the nut popped up and he caught it in his mouth - first try!

I'd like to know if this actually works...I mean, look at that little guy, he's ready to go!

In other news, while working over the weekend, there was some shit slinging....and not just your regular 'ole mud slingin', I'm talking NASTY here...

Then Kadina whipped it out...

WAIT, Let me tell you about Kadina: she is 18, about 5'3", and just oh-so-I'd-never-hurt-a for these words to come from her seemingly virginal mouth is just SHOCKING...

She turned to Jenny, a sassy shit-slinger herself, narrowed her eyes, and spat, "You Fat-Ass Blood Gorged Vagina!" Jenny's eyes went wide, and she was taken aback...silence fell, and we just looked at each other, trying to understand what just work here is done.

SpiPi: corrupting America's youth, one at a time...

UPDATE: I talked to Kadina and she actually said "Blood Belching Vagina" which is even grosser...after further discussion, we agreed that we also liked "Blood Bulging Vagina."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Those Fat Office Monkeys

Obviously, I work in an office.

Every year around the holidays banks and brokers that we do business with send us 'good tidings.' Today alone we have received a box full of oranges, a meat/cheese/cracker tray, a basketful of baked goodies, and 3 boxes of chocolate.

No wonder us office dwellers sprout HUGE asses...hmm maybe 'sprout' isn't the right word.

The HUGE ass seed germinates for months in our comfy office chairs, until the holidays come around and then BAM! HUGE asses abound! They expand, burst forth, swell, and THICKEN... they, dare I say, FLOURISH...

And to add to all of the tasty yet (mostly) unhealthy goodies we receive, all of the holiday shopping affects The Market...which stresses out my fact one of them is raving right now, at this moment, swearing his ass off about how a teeny little comment sent such-and-such a stock down 5 bucks...

Which leads to STRESS...and gorging of oneself on all the free goodies...which leads back to the HUGE ASS cycle above. Vicious, isn't it?

Free goodies have not been restricted to food this year. One of the guys bought a 12 foot electric car set for our grab-bag...well, it ended up in our small conference room, and now they're taking bets...

I need a Peach Margarita.

Monday, December 12, 2005

...and Mucus will rain down from the sky....

I'm sick.

When I'm sick, I am A Mucus Monster.

I believe this happened as punishment for all the fun I've been having lately. So maybe staying out till bar close, 4:30, or 5 am in a smoke filled den of alcoholic destruction didn't help over the weekend, but c'mon, it's the weekend!

So, as I sit here in my wonderful padded cubicle, munching on my white chocolate cinnamon covered holiday pretzel, I wonder, what if this cold never goes away?

I'd be damned to walk the streets in all of my boogery-slime glory. I already sound like a 50 year-old life-long smoker with a rat in my throat, what's next?

My sinuses will bulge with greenish-yellow goo, distorting my face and making my eyes pop out a little? My ears will fill up and I'll be just as deaf as a granny standing next to her TV at full-volume and still screaming, "WHAT?!"

One morning I'll wake up with a throbbing sinus headache, snot streaming down my face. The pain so excruciating I'd run into the front yard while holding up my goober covered arms, the snot extending from my face like garland on a tree screaming, "WHY?!" and, "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

And then, finally, My head will explode from all the pressure and Mucus will rain down from the sky, infecting everyone in sight...

Or maybe I've just been reading too much Stephen King.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My New Addiction

And the court-ordered rehab goes to....MySpace!

Talk about ADDICTIVE. I thought my friend George was crazy. I think we all are, now that we have MySpace. Much like my previous chat room addiction, MySpace has dominated my time in front of the computer. Thank god I don't have internet at home!

You mean, I have to leave the house to meet new people?! Are you insane?! At least I'm at work...getting paid to blog and MySpace...and do other stuff...well not lately!

All addictions have a downside, the ho-bags, man-whores, and whiny little bitches are also present on MySpace. These are characterized by skanky pictures, muscle pictures, and pathetic/no picture, respectively. Are we all so desperate for attention? I'd have to YES.

But hey, if you like that sort of thing, have at it, but don't come crying to me when your computer comes down with a case of digital syphilis or hard drive gonorreah...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Those Crazy Bowlers

I believe it was my sophmore year of college, I joined The Bowling Club.

Only Band Geeks can surpass The Bowling Club when it comes to lameness. But I bet we could've drank 'em under the table! The men and women's travel teams would travel to neighboring states and stay in 2 or 3 hotel rooms. Lots of drinking, little sleep, and lots of hung-over bowling took place. I have tons upon tons of Bowling Club stories, but I'll limit it to the funny and gross.

One time at a bowling tournament:

  • There were many incidents of girl-on-girl making out action! A few three way kisses if I remember correctly...yes I was invloved, DUH! The first time it happend it was witnessed by patrons of a nearby restaurant, as this took place on the balcony. We were cheered on by groups of drunk men, I felt famous!

  • Lots of poker was played on these trips and sometimes it got a little heated. Bets were made. People ended up running around in their underwear and flashing each other =)

  • It was revealed that one of us on the women's team has porn star nipples with giant 'ronis! (not me)

  • Dry humping was a constant, what else are people going to do when they're drunk, horny, and their SOs are back home (or in a few cases, they were virgins!)?

  • One particular tournament comes to mind when I think about Wild Bowling Club Adventures. Osh Kosh, Wisconsin. Our party buddies from Fargo, North Dakota were there.

Let me tell you about these guys, they brought a bowling team, and a drinking team, no lie. 12 people came and only 6 bowled. They all stayed in 2 rooms. (imagine the stench, ugh it was awful) They were playing poker as usual in one room and in another we were playing a drinking game. One guy, let's call him The Guy, is infamous for peeing in the corner of the room and getting so drunk he pisses himself. The Guy decided to not only play the drinking game but to also do Edward Forty Hands while he was at it!

We ended up playing a few games of hockey and by the end, he had a forty and 6 cans strapped to one arm, and 2 forties and 4 cans to the other! The best part was when he went to drink from one of the cans and spilled some leftover beer from another can right onto his crotch! He was drunk when they got there, so I'm not sure how he was still going by midnight.

I remember coming back to the room early in the morning to find one of the Fargo guys passed out in front of the door to their room covered in newspapers. He managed to lose his shoes during the night. To this day, we have no idea where they went. We had to stop at Kmart so he could get a pair to wear for the rest of the weekend.

  • The Strippers. I think it was the Osh K0sh tournament the following year when there were strippers staying at our hotel. I'm not sure how she found out, but one of the girls came bursting into the room screaming, "Steph, Steph! There are STRIPPERS staying here! Male Strippers! You have to come see!"

Apparently male strippers are right up my alley. (haha)

So we went to the strippers' room. I think they were The Ugliest strippers I have ever seen, but they had great bodies, of course. Butter face male strippers, who'dve thought? The less ugly of the two sat her down in a chair in the middle of the room, the other sat a little too close to me on the bed. The less ugly stripper turned on some music and proceeded to rip his black leather pants off! He was wearing knee high black boots and shiny black boxer briefs underneath! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! He was pretty much humping her face while the really ugly stripper was trying to move closer to me, ugh gross.

I'd had enough, besides I was busy making out with a really tall, really cute bowler when she pulled me away. The next day we both had hickies, I had a REALLY BIG one, he had no idea how that happend! Of course, could it be you spent most of the night sucking on it?! But he had a girlfriend he had to go home and make excuses to anway...teehee

  • And then there was The BJ. I think this one happend in Springfield, Missouri, where our hotel was right next to a really gawdy all neon light strip club. We were all passing out, I was sharing a pull out couch with one of the guys, and that same girl was sharing a bed with our club VP. Well I was drunk and tired so I was out pretty quick. Later I heard from my bedmate that the other two were making some 'slurpy sucking sounds.' So he said to them, "How's that going down?" All he got were a few giggles and that's it! They continued! If only I were awake to give them some shit...

  • We also like to watch Porn. Y'know they have those movies in the hotel TVs? We liked those. I think it was in Vegas we ordered a particularly funny one, we had it turned up REALLY LOUD. When our other teammats arrived they thought there was a baby crying in our room!

Oh yeah, we went to Vegas. To bowl. We bowled so much in Vegas, we came back with blisters
and calluses the size of softballs. We bowled 15 games in one day, no joking. We're talking about the hard-core competitive side of bowling. But we still liked to have fun.

I miss my travel team bowling days, but I'll always have the memories...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Story that Started it all.


Hello All,

Recent developments in my life have prompted me to create this blog. For those of you that don't know me personally, let me introduce myself, my name is Steph and I'm 23 years old.

I live in central Iowa in the United States, though I grew up in the Chicago area. "Why Iowa?" you say? Well, I went to Iowa State University (not my first choice but hey, they gave me tons of $) and graduated in August of 2004. I have a B.S. in Mathematics and a B.S. in Statistics with a minor in Economics.

Honestly the last two years were pretty boring, which is why I work in the Financial Services Industry and am not an actuary. I did sell insurance for a God-awful 9 weeks; I was told more than once that I have too much personality to be an actuary, and that, 'those people are odd ducks.'

In addition to my full-time job at an investment management firm, I work part-time at a sub shop. Most people ask me why I work 60 hours a week: It was a job I had in college and it's free food, besides I have lots of friends that work there and by no stretch is it 'hard work.' A little extra cash never hurts. What else am I going to do with my weekends? Sit on my ass and watch TV or hang out with friends? Why not get paid to hang out with them?

I have other interests but those will come out later.

This blog was inspired by anger towards the love-of-my-life-recently-turned-ex-boyfriend, Aaron.

Stay tuned for the sad story about the bitter end.

This one's for me.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Beginning of the End

Well, let's see, where should I start?

Everything seemed to be going well between Aaron and I, at least from my perspective. We'd had the stupid fights about the small stuff, but so does everyone. The Problem first arose about this time last year...

I'm not quite sure how it first came up, but Aaron had told me that he was afraid of 'missing out on the college life' while he was with me, and I got the, 'I wish I had met you later in life.' The latter is something I've heard before, on more than one occasion.

'The college life.' What exactly is that, anyway? Well, when I heard all this stuff I flipped out a bit since things were still perfect; we were still in the euphoria stage when things were still new & exciting. We were lying on my bed as he told me this, and I was bawling. At one point he looked liked something just clicked. He looked at me and said, "You're worth more to me than the few flings I could have in the next few years of college." He stared off a little and became teary-eyed; it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I asked him, 'what?'
"I really think we have a future together; I just had a flash of you in that white dress." I melted.

I tried not to let it bother me after that, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that if anything was going to tear us apart, it would be The Problem. Turns out I was right, but at that time I didn't know how big The Problem really was.

The Problem came up a few months later, while we were at a party. Yes he was drunk, but I think most people tell more of the truth and let go whilst drunk, since their guard is down. I don't know how it came up again, but I started crying and told him that I'd leave him alone for a few months and then see where he was at. (I wasn't really serious about it, I wanted to see what he'd say.) He looked at me and I think he was scared. I started to walk to my car and he came running out, saying that no, that's not what he wanted, don't go, and we need to talk. We met at my place and would have talked about it, but he passed out. I'm not sure he remembers that one.

This past January, we were having an argument that led to some realizations and an incident. Let's call it The Whitney Situation...

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Whitney Situation

During the last week of September 2004 I was in Chicago for two weeks for training for my God-awful sales job. During that time, Aaron went to a rave and met a girl named Whitney.

On a few separate occasions, I found blonde hair in Aaron's bed. I have dark brown hair. I asked him about it and he gave me some story about how it probably came off of someone in a class and traveled home on his back pack, which he promptly throws on his bed when he comes home. Logical, right?

I had faith in Aaron and I trusted him, I didn't suspect him of cheating so I let it go even though it was a bullshit story.

Yet, it happened again. I found more blonde hairs. I asked him and he said he had no idea whatsoever how they got there.

January 2005 I didn't believe him about the hairs so I started to do some digging, through his text messages. Not my finest moment, I admit, but I did find something: a text from a Whitney saying, 'So are you and me just about sex?' That was all I needed to see. I threw his phone at him and asked him, 'Who the fuck is Whitney and why is she asking you this?'

He flipped about me looking in his phone, at that point I didn't even care. I wanted an answer. He said she was a friend, and that's it. He said he hadn't told me about her because he thought I would be jealous. Apparently sneaking around behind my back and lying to me isn't so bad.

We argued that night and he told me they hung out and she'd come over and watch TV, nothing out of the ordinary for friends.

The next morning he was leaving early for his one weekend a month of National Guard duty. I'm not sure why, but I didn't connect the blonde hairs to Whitney until that morning. I asked him if she had blonde hair. He said, 'yes.' 'So you've been lying to me about that too.'

He left and said we'd talk more when he got back. While he was gone on Saturday, my mind, being the overactive and creative to the point of worrying me sick type, started to come up with all kinds of possibilities. I told everyone I knew the story and everyone came to the conclusion that he was cheating. It seemed the easiest answer, but as we all know, it isn't always the right one.

I called him in a bawling frenzy Saturday night, and he did call me back, told me he wasn't cheating on me over and over. I can't remember if anything else was said.

He was pretty upset when we hung up, and his Guard buddies took notice, he told them what was going on and they agreed that it was a shitty situation. They then decided to take him out and get him drunk to take his mind off of it.

OK, this is Iowa, lots of people drive trucks. Apparently everyone he went to a party with drove a truck. They decided to go to a bar (which was within walking distance), and piled into Aaron's car because he was the least drunk and it could accommodate everyone.

He was pulled over for going 7 miles over the speed limit. His friend in the passenger side of the car was so nervous about the cop that he yacked on the floor. One of his friends in the back was already passed out. Needless to say, it didn't look good.

He got hauled in for drunk driving. The cops took his friends to the bar.

I got a call the next morning from Aaron at around 10 am. He said he was on his way home already. Then he told me why.

What happened was he thought they were just friends. She thought he was interested in her, and who could blame her? He'd have her come over and watch TV in his room on his bed (since his roomie was playing video games on the living room TV) and they would call each other and text pretty often. Here's the catch:
He didn't tell her he had a girlfriend. We'd been dating for 9 months by then. He said it didn't come up until she kissed him, at which point he finally told her.

This is how naive he is, he didn't even know he was leading her on!

Later on, we laughed about it, he admitted he was wrong for not telling me and lying to me about it. I apologized for looking through his phone.

After the OWI, things have never been the same. He used not having a license as an excuse for just about anything. No more sweet surprises or little drop-ins. I had to drive us everywhere and pick him up and drop him off. It put a lot of strain on the relationship.

I always put 100% of myself into a relationship.
I believe that if you love someone you do it with all you have and never half-ass it.

He stopped putting in 100% after this incident. I noticed, but I tried not to let it bother me, told myself we'll get used to the transportation issue. After all, I went without a license for 8 months and I made it work just fine.

Only now do I realize that we hadn't been as happy as I thought from then until the end. That's when things started to go downhill.

Secretly, he blamed me for it. I found this out one night when he was drunk in April/May/or June. I told him about it, since he didn't remember. He had to think about it before he said he didn't blame me.

I'm not sure when but I think he finally realized that it was his fault, and his alone, but I still think he harbors bad feelings towards me over it.

Up next: The lackluster months from then until The Problem resurfaces...

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Few Highlights of 2005...

Alright the lackluster months from the Whitney situation until Five Weeks of Hell...

Things were complicated by the OWI, I felt bad so I offered to drive him around, everywhere. I was looking for a full time job while working my second job. Since the hours at my second job are anything but regular, I was able to drive him to/from class quite a bit.

I must admit, I felt like his mom at times. Asking if he had homework and making him dinner etc etc. This was a huge flag, but how could I change it? We had talks about how I was distancing myself from my friends, so I decided to get my life back. I hung out with my friends a bit more, I was hoping he would come, but he rarely did. I always hung out with his friends, why not the other way around?

February '05

My birthday was, well, not the best. I'm not sure how I got wind of it, I think he left his email open on my computer at home. There were emails from all these dating sites, so I asked him about it. He said it was all left over from when he was deployed and he wasn't doing anything with them anymore but he still got emails. I asked him to delete his accounts since he really didn't meed them anymore. (The Whitney Situation put me on edge for a little bit, can you blame me?) He agreed.

I had a feeling he hadn't deleted all his accounts when I was typing in a website address and the internet history came up with some dating sites. He'd told me he was done with all that. The week before my birthday, I was, um, 'investigating,' some of these sites. I found an updated profile with a picture that I took of him on it!
He'd been lying about it. (which, now, is no surprise...) I sent him a message on this dating site, saying I was disappointed in him for lying to me and to cut the shit.

Later that day, I was driving us down to Des Moines for my birthday dinner. I knew he'd seen the message, he was uncomfortable and wouldn't look at me. I was flustered about it and was trying to act like there was nothing going on, I wanted him to say something about it first. He'd been caught red-handed in a lie, and all he coudl do was rag on me for 'checking up on him.'
That's what happens when you lie to someone and betray their trust, they become suspicious until you prove you are trustworthy. I was so distracted by this that I got lost on the way to my favorite restaurant, which I had been to numerous times before. Eventually it came out. I don't recall the details...But he stopped. (I'm pretty sure anyway, not that it matters now.)

My birthday present, was a huge letdown. We went to Target to grab a few things and he said he wanted to get me some flannel sheets, which I did want, but he was never able to get a ride. (There is a bus that drops you off by Target, but, I suspect he thought only losers take the bus for an hour roundtrip; even if it is to buy their girlfriend a birthday present.)

The choice of gift wasn't bad, that's not the point here. When we were putting all the crap in the car, I realized I had bought my own birthday present! We laughed about it, and then he said, "Sorry, babe, here's a 20." And handed me a $20 bill. Whoo! I'm burning up over the romance, aren't you!? While this is still entertaining to me, I knew he wasn't romantic, at all. But would it hurt to try just a little harder?

That was one of those differences I had to accept after awhile, he wasn't romantic and didn't make a big deal out of stuff like I did, for example, I celebrated our anniversary every month for almost a year. He doesn't think birthdays are a big deal, I love birthdays! I go all out for everything, that's just the way I am.

Which brings us to Valentine's Day, which is right after my birthday. He doesn't believe in Valentine's Day, and he had made that clear early on in the relationship, so I didn't expect anything from him. But I secretly hoped for a little something, anything.

Of course, I still did something, I love doing that stuff. I made us t-shirts: his, red with pink lettering, "I'm not single, I just hate Valentine's Day." Mine, pink with purple lettering, "All I got for Valentine's Day was this stupid t-shirt." We wore them out to the grocery store and dinner, we got a lot of laughs. When I gave it to him, he looked at me, and asked if I was mad that he didn't get me anything! It was sweet, he was worried that I was pissed. I didn't expect anything, and that's exactly what I got: nothing. (so much for surprises, huh?)

April 15, 2005 - Our 1 year anniversary

I was ecstatic when we were approaching our first year marker. I wanted to get him something he'd just love and he'd use all the time. My choice: an xBox. I also threw in a few games, including Halo 2. I was so excited that I spoiled the surprise 2 weeks early! I'm just terrible at keeping secrets like that. He loved it, of course, and we played Lego Star Ways constantly for a few weeks, it was great.

I was hoping we'd recreate our 6 month anniversary or go beyond it. For our 6 month celebration
he put on a suit! I was in awe when he came to pick me up! He gave me the last 3 books in a series of 7, all brand new hardcovers. We had dinner at Christopher's in Des Moines. When we got there and were waiting for our table, I was leaning into him and smiling. The hostess came over, took one look at us and said, "She really loves you." I almost cried! During the appetizer, which was made in heaven, he said he couldn't wait, and pulled a little white box with a purple ribbon tied to it out of his pocket. I was shocked. I didn't really know what to expect when I opened it. Inside were a pair of diamond earrings in 14k white gold, gorgeous! I wore them just about every day from then on. (That is, until last week, when I buried them in a drawer.) We stayed in a spa suite at a nice hotel and had a blast.

After a 6 month anniversary like that, I had high hopes for the one-year. He had Guard duty on the actual day of our anniversary so we celebrated the next week (or maybe it was the week before, wow, really not that memorable...) I think we went to dinner somewhere, but I'm not really sure where. His gift to me was to buy me a whole new outfit, from Victoria's Secret matching bra/panties, to shoes, a great gift!

But something just didn't feel right. It wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped. He wasn't all there like he was on the 6 month, and it showed.

Summer '05

By summer 2005 I had a full-time job, and was working at the sub shop about 20 hours a week. Aaron had a construction job that I would drop him off at early in the morning before I left for work. Things seemed to be alright, I don't recall anything particularly good or bad.

He had planned a trip to Europe with his friend Matt for three weeks beginning at the end of June. He was psyched. I was excited for him, and extremely jealous. I remember the day he left, I took him to my office to meet everyone I work with. We wanted to go back to Christopher's for dinner before the airport, but they were only serving drinks and appetizers. We ended up at a barbecue joint that isn't too bad, watching the news about a truck accident that we had seen on the way down.

We were rear ended on the way to the airport, no damage, thank god. I remember he was so worried about me driving home since my back started to hurt and I was still shaken up. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry as he walked away because I didn't want him to remember me that way for three weeks.

He said he's figure out how to communicate once he got over there, and the first I heard from him was this email from June 30th:

Hey everybody I got here in one piece and am having a ton of fun. phones are too expensive so this is the way I'll communicate while I'm gone. Have one more day here in Amsterdam and then I'mm ooff to Germany. Well, I've got to go have soem more fun. Bye.

And again on July 2nd:

Well, Im out of amsterdam. I made it to Berlin and just happened to get here for the end of the Live 8 concert. Berlin is a mix of architecture because of WWII, there are 1000 yr old gothic churches next to modern buildings. Carola (the girl we are staying with here has alot planned and its 1 am here so i should go to bed. Bye!

He had called a few times while over there, I remember I missed the first one, and spent a good half an hour outside my office building talking to him, I was on cloud nine...

And July 6th he replied to an email I wrote him:

Hey babe, have to keep this short because we are heading out the door soon, but we are in a samll town in the German countryside now. We spent most of yesterday lost but we still got here. i already bought you one present (its a surprise) but i know youll like it. Gotta run, bye! Love you.

The mass email for July 6th:

Hey everybody, Im thru my first week in Europe with only minor problems so far. Matt and I got lost trying to get to a friends place here but we got here everntually (4 hours late). Im now in the East German countryside now and today we saw Schulle Klenningstein (Castle Kingstone) and it was great. Amsterdam was a blast as well and on the 8th we leave for Prague. Well thats all for now, talk to everyone when I get back.

The last email he wrote from Europe, July 13th:

Hey babe, we just got into Munich and we're waiting for our room to open up because we got here a little before check-in. Vienna was fun but tiring (I had a 'bit' to drink at the hostel with soem folks from London, Australia, and Edinburgh.) We only had one so Matt drug me out of bed to go see everything. I'm glad he did though. Prague was FUCKING AMAZING, it was untouched during both World wars so the whole city just feels old, but in a good way. Unfortunately, our hostel there sucked balls and it hailled the afternoon of our last day. Our hostel in Vienna and here in Munich are both great though. Sounds like you had a fun/long weekend, way to have fun with out me again...just kidding :P Oh yeah, the only thing you need to bring to the airport is your lovely self so that I can kiss/hug you again (and do much more to after we get home, hehe). Well i should get going, I'll call when I can, bye.
Love you lots, Aaron

Finally, he was coming home! I was so excited, I went to a movie after work, The Fantastic Four. When I was on my way out to the car, thinking about what to do for eats, my phone rang. It was Aaron calling me from Minneapolis! He said he'd be a little late, and he couldn't wait to see me. I went straight to the airport, and talked to my dad for a little bit.

I remember the moment I saw him coming down that escalator, his hair was so long and he looked a little scraggly, but God, it was so good to see him. He handed me a stuffed monkey he got at the Zurich Zoo. I named him Smuggles. We hugged and headed off to the baggage claim, stopping randomly to kiss. When we finally got to the car, it was hot and humid that day, we kissed and kissed, lots of tears and 'I love you's and 'I missed you's.

That was one of those great moments. I'm tearing up just remembering it...what happened to that love? It was so good. (at least for me) more tomorrow :*(

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Five Weeks of Hell

Last night I had this wonderful feeling of being FREE and happy with myself, where I'm going, and who I am. I love being me, and I don't need someone else to feel good about it. I'm ready to move I'll just summarize that last week, since that was the final straw...

The Last Week of The Five Weeks of Hell

The Last Week happened to be that of Thanksgiving Break. Aaron had Guard duty the first weekend and then planned on staying in Storm Lake with his 'friend' Allison.

I knew of her; and I knew that she was interested in him, she called him all the time and they chatted online. He said they were just friends and he would stay at her place on the couch when he was in Storm Lake. During The First Week of Hell he told me he had feelings for someone else and during the Second Week of Hell I found out it was her, which wasn't a surprise.

He told me not to worry about it, the main reasons we were taking 'time apart' or 'giving each other space' was because
he didn't know who he was outside of a relationship and he'd never been alone to just be. He wanted time to find himself but didn't want to lose me because he saw a future for us. He said he was doing it because he loved me and wanted to be a better person for me, he wanted to be able to love me the way I loved him, which was with everything I had. These are the reasons he gave me.

For Aaron's birthday I bought him 4 tickets to the Chiefs/Patriots game and a hotel room right next to the stadium the night before the game. I was excited, the plan was for me, him, one of his roomies, and a fourth to go down, party, stay at the hotel and then tailgate and go to the game. Since we were 'having problems' I wasn't sure if it was going to happen.

During the Third Week of Hell I decided to let him have the tickets and hotel room anyway, because I'm a big person and wanted him to have fun for his birthday. At first I wasn't going to go, then something came up so I couldn't, then it went away.

I found out that his friend Mandy, her little brother, and his roommate were all going to the game. I was fine with it, then on Tuesday his roommate decided that he didn't want to go since he had all kinds of school stuff to finish and he didn't want to spend an entire weekend with Mandy, nor did he want to share a bed with her. I talked to his roommate that night and found out there was an open ticket. Earlier that day I had sent Aaron a text saying I would still go to the game if he had a free ticket for me. I'm not sure why, but I knew he wasn't going to call me and invite me.

And he didn't. So I went back to Chicago to visit for Thanksgiving. Friday I was out shopping with my mom when he called. I asked him how the family was, how was the dinner, did he enjoy his time at Allison's? I informed him of his roommate's reasons for not going, mostly because I thought he needed to know he was being inconsiderate of other people's feelings, which is pretty common for him. I asked him why they were bringing an under-ager since the whole purpose of the hotel room was to get drunk at the bar and pass out there. He said, "I'm sure we can find a place that's 19 and up." He said his friend Nate was taking the fourth ticket. The conversation went a tad dry, and he said he'd call me back later.

He did, for once, though there wasn't much to talk about at that point. I told him to have fun at the game and I'd see him on Sunday.

His roommate and I had planned on Tuesday to make dinner and hang out with his gf, and the other roomie and his gf. We went shopping, Megan and I cooked, and the five of us sat down with champagne and had a nice dinner in front of the TV. As we were finishing up, the door opened and closed and Nate appeared. He sat down with us and had some leftovers.

At one point Jon asked, "Where's Opie?" (Aaron's nickname) Nate said he was downstairs. I didn't pay much mind to it. More time goes by and finally I said, "Is he really down there? Why hasn't he come up to say, 'hello'?" Nate said he didn't know, but Opie was down there with his friend Ashley or whoever.

So I said, "Fuck it, I'm going down there."
Nate: "I don't think you want to do that."

So I went.

I walked into this scene: Aaron sitting on his bed, and some girl sitting in his chair with her leg over his, and leaning into him. I walked in, a little tipsy from champagne, and said, "What are you doing down here? Why haven't you come upstairs to say hello to all of your friends?"

He kind of blubbered an 'I don't know.' I just looked at him and said,"Well, can I get a hug, or a kiss hello?"

She had moved away from him at this point, and I turned to her, she said, "Hello, I 'm Allison." and we shook hands. "Hello, I'm Steph and I'm his girlfriend." She was wearing a baseball hat so I couldn't see her face, but I think she was a little shocked. I asked her to excuse us for a few mintues, she left and closed the door behind her.

I proceeded to ask him what the fuck was going on.

I found out that he had lied to me. Mandy's little brother backed out of the game on Thanksgiving. So what does Aaron do? Call his girlfriend that was kind enough to let him have the gift and her credit card # for the hotel room? NO. He called Allison. Then he lied about it on the phone TWICE on Friday.

He asked me if I got the text he sent. Obviously I hadn't. He had the balls to send me a text earlier that day saying, 'Don't be mad, but Mandy's brother couldn't go, so Allison went to the game with us. I don't think you should be there when we get back cuz that would be weird.'

I asked him if he slept in the same bed with her. He said he did. He knew I was uncomfortable with him sharing a bed with her. But he did it anyway, because to him, it's no big deal. Again, inconsiderate. He also admitted to making out with her, he said he felt 'kinda guilty' afterwards, but apparently not guilty enough.

He told me she thought they were dating. I asked him why he let her,
since he was supposed to be using this time to find out shit about himself, not running around with someone else, and, SPECIFICALLY: HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH SOMEONE ELSE ON A TRIP THAT I PAID FOR. He didn't have an answer. Surprise, surprise.

He said he thought he wanted to give things a try with her, "I think there's something there." What about what you have in front of you, retard?! I couldn't believe it.

It all seems like a bad dream now. She really didn't know we were still trying to work things out and she felt like an ass.

So after all of this, they are now dating. He's an idiot for all of the obvious reasons and so is she for wanting to get involved with someone that lied to her off the bat and is fresh out of a year-and-a-half relationship.

I'm pissed because he lied to me and I believed him. But what really gets me is he's too afraid to be alone so he clamps on to other people to make him feel good about himself.

I wrote him an email the following Friday asking him over and over,

He doesn't have an answer, I hope to hear it if and when he does.

I know now that he wasn't ready for me. He needs to grow up a little, or a lot. There are things he has to get out of his system, mistakes he must make on his own. (Looks like he's starting with 'the rebound' mixed with 'the long distance' all in one.)

We were outside standing next to my car, he was upset and almost crying, he said he knew what he had to do, and after he dealt with it, "I'll come find you."

The problem with that is, it'll probably be too late.

Cheers, all, that is the whole truth and the reason he is an inconsiderate dickless piece of lying shit.

Happy stories to come in the future...