Party Bus Extravaganza

Warning: this is a recap of the partying from the weekend!

Friday began with a drive up to Clarion, Iowa.

? ?

Yeah, I know, I wasn't sure where it was either.

102 miles from home....

But we had good reason - A Birthday Party Bus!

A Small Town Pub Crawl

Wait, but how many bars could there be in a small town?

And why the Party Bus?

Well, since all small towns only have one bar worth going to, we hit 4 (i think) small towns!

It was a nice break from the, uh, Big City Nightlife of Des Moines.

And oh boy, did I find it.

Like the first bar...serving beer only! No liquor.

And this:



On our way to the second bar, we encountered a railroad crossing....

With a stopped train.

Partiers became desperate...

They had to pee.

So, off they went, boys and girls alike...


I decided to wait...

Good thing, too, since we were pulled over on our way out of town!

It was good cop/bad cop, up first, bad cop:

ALRIGHT PEOPLE BLAHBLAHBLAH PUBLIC URINATION BLAHBLAHBLAH 500 DOLLAR FINE BLAHBLAHBLAH

Good Cop:

Okay guys, we're not going to issue any citations. Public Urination is a $500 dollar fine in this county and there was a minivan with children in it behind you at that railroad crossing. Now be safe tonight and watch yourselves.

All I could think about was how I love a man in uniform and if they had handcuffs with pink padding on them....

I wasn't alone, one chick said she was waiting for the cop to start stripping!

Hah, would have been neat since there was a stripper pole on the bus...

A humpy kind of fun was had on the pole a bit later in the night...needed to grease ourselves up with some cheap beer first....




And then there was the birthday cake:

We all returned to her house, where guitar hero was the main event and we proceeded to drink every bit of vodka we could find.....and then passed out....everywhere

I shared her children's bedroom with 6 other people...one of them snored. (not me)

I woke up on fire cuz someone turned the thermostat up to 79....

Birthday Girl made us all breakfast while we watched the

Real Housewives of Orange County marathon, incidentally, not all of them are housewives...or even married!

Whatever, it was good drivel to make fun of when you're hurtin.

Saturday, after a long-ass drive home, I laid around on my couch....all day.

About 9.30ish, I get a text....bachelor party! heading to a bar right now...

Alright, why not?

So it was me and 26 guys.

The older ones, like the father of the bride and I think her older brother or uncle or something were very interested in talking to me....

Did you know we're going to the strip club later?

Well, it IS a bachelor party...

You're going with us?! (all creepy giddy-like)

Hell yeah I am! I prolly like titties more than you do!

I made some new best friends that night.

When we got there, the father of the bride escorted me to sniffer's row and started throwing dollar bills in front of me...and asking all kinds of get-to-know-ya-BS

Strange.

After that whole thing was over - and we went to the skankiest titty bar in town - I was recruited to drive the troopers to the 'nicer' strip club.

I was about the only sober one at this point....

It was much better.

Home to the glitter pussy.

It shines like a disco ball!!

About 4ish hunger gets the best of us...

The next morning I wake up and see this above me:



Now, I understand guys are 'thrifty' and like the whole minimalist thing when it comes to decorating....

But, Come On!

Curtain rods and curtains are not difficult to install...

Sooo the successful weekend ended with me telling the Kirby guy that rang my doorbell:

Spare me the sales pitch and just shampoo my carpet.

And he did.