here i sit. late at night. storm outside, lighting streaming in through the window.
I was lying in bed just now thinking about the things that two of my friends said to me a few hours ago.
There's more to you than you let on. Why don't you share all of the 'regular' stuff? Tell us about your boring day or your stupid cat, why does it always have to be over the top crazy shit?
Apparently it makes some people uncomfortable. It's intimidating.
I know I'm intimidating without even opening my mouth. Why complicate it?
I'm Compensating.
It's an old habit. Always go over the top, always shock them, be the most 'out there'
But why?
Before, I'm not sure why I did it.
I know why I do it now though.
It's easier than saying the things I really want to say.
I like to keep things upbeat and happy.
The things I want to talk about aren't.
I don't like complainers and I feel that some of the things I'd talk about would come off that way.
Others are difficult to understand.
The things that I would love to tell my friends:
I miss you. I tell a couple of you this, but I'm not sure how much it helps.
I'm lonely.
I'm grieving the death of my father. I know you don't understand and probably have no idea what to say to this. In this case the wrong things usually come out. I don't want to deal with those things. I've heard them all and it's a tough enough situation as it is without you saying the wrong thing. If/when you do, it only makes me angry. I know you have good intentions, but it's hard to overlook when dealing with this kind of pain, it's frustrating.
The state of my family since the death. No, life isn't alway fun and pretty. I know this, but I'd rather act to the contrary when with friends. I don't want to be debbie downer. Plus, I have no idea if you even want to hear about it or help me with this.
Lost.
Absolutely.
I have no idea where I'm going career wise. It's a tough subject usually written off with, 'I don't define myself by what I do for money. It's just what I do to pay for the things I really want to do.' But what are those things? Again, no idea.
My personal issues. When I'm having stupid girly moments and want to bitch about how I think I've gained weight since I stopped working my regular part time hours or how I"m stressed about money since I didn't plan on my home owner's insurance or warranty coming due...these are things that I'd like to talk about but I always hold back. Money is a sensitive subject.
Why? I don't want to be a burden? I'd like everyone to think that I'm just fine and life is grand?
That's probably part of it.
How long has it been since you've cried about dad dying?
Too long.
Just thinking about visiting his grave and placing flowers there for father's day gets me going. Maybe I'm depressed about it, I don't know for sure. Counseling is too expensive.
No more hand painted coffee cups, bad ties, packages of 6 pairs of socks or even phone calls.
I don't get to do that anymore.
Is this what you'd rather hear? Are you comfortable and ready to deal with this?
I'm not sure I am.
Where do we go from here?
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4 comments:
I don't mind hearing it. Sometimes posting your deepest thoughts can be therapeutic. But ultimately, it's your call.
I look forward to anything and everything that you feel you want to share.
There's a blogger in DC who is going through the same thing you are with regards to your father. I can give you the link if you'd like. It could help to hear her thoughts and know that the feelings you have are natural and shared by others.
In the meantime, please accept a big virtual *HUG* from me.
Nobody's ever ready. Just have to make due with what you can.
Everyone breaks down.
Thanks christopher, do share the link, I always like reading new blogs :)
Well as a father now I just try to learn from what my father ( who passed away several years ago ) taught me or didn't. We never discussed the "what you will do when I'm gone" stuff. Does anyone? I would be quite surprised. I was fairly lucky. He saw all my kids before he died. They don't really remember him and I understand that. You are already honoring your father by remembering him. I joke that I probably honor my father more about the things neither of us would be proud of but that is what shaped us as a father and son and it is what it is. You can be sad. You can worry about money. But others can't decide or control when you do these things. I respect you for being you.
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