I'm Talented

. . . in a retarded sort of way!

Last night, I did absolutely nothing.

(I had intentions of moving stuff out to the garage, but it was RAINING!)

Worked late, went home, made a frozen pizza, turned on the TV

Ate the whole thing and watched all kinds of crap on FOX while cringing from cramps.

Went to bed early since my quarterly menses have arrived.

Whee.

Woke up at 2.30am to PAIN

No, not from the menses.

Aside from the bloating, bitchiness, cramps, backaches, headaches, feminine products, salty food cravings, bleeding from your cooch, and being twice as hungry/sleepy...

My shoulder hurt.

To the point where I couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep.

Yes, I woke up in the middle of the night to find I had somehow injured myself!

Maybe I slept on it funny.

All I know is, it's my right (dominant) shoulder and it flippin hurts.

Believe me, I'm no stranger to pain!

But this...it's unexpected and unpredictable.

I had to blow dry my hair with my left hand.

It was very odd.

Like trying to brush your teeth or masturbate with the opposite hand

Awkward, but ultimately effective.

Thing is, it's not a determinable movement that causes the pain...

I can lift my arm straight up in the air, but the second I try to reach higher, PAIN

I am unable to open doors.

Lifting a bag of garbage was fine.

Lifting my purse off my passenger seat and into my lap was OUCH

It's not the shoulder shoulder, it's the shoulder blade.

WTF.

That's how you know you're getting old. Stuff hurts for no reason or you can't remember what you did to cause it.

Thanks, boss.

Hey, 30 is right around the corner.

Yeah, in 4 and a half years!

I'm talented.