Friday, April 27, 2007

The Rage

The normal Friday morning consists of me being about 20 minutes late to everything.

Fuck it, it's Friday.

On my short commute to work I became a witness.

A witness to a fender bender.

I was sitting at the stoplight groovin to some Basement Jaxx . . .

Y'know, doing that little car dance that people do while (badly) singing their hearts out

Check the rearview, there's an older gentleman in the car behind me.

Just sitting there.

How boring I think.

Back to groovin.

Check the mirror again to see if he's shaking his head at me.

A common thing for older people to do at me...

Then he throws up his arms and screams GOD DAMNIT!

A couple more seconds of flailing arms and then he starts to get out of the car...

wtf is he doing...

He stomps towards the car behind, like a three year-old having a tantrum

He starts screaming at the lady driver and pointing at his bumper

The light turns green and I pull away...

Only to see that he had been rear-ended.

He was driving a brand new Oldsmobile

So new he didn't even have plates on the front!

It still had the dealer tag on it...


Speaking of Ouch...

Whatever happened to Mr. Squeeze?

Has anyone ever wondered?

Well, a little update on that.

Truth is, he got boring.

He meticulously planned things.

Now, I understand people are busy and have to schedule things etc etc

But this was planning things to death, so much so that it sucked all the fun out of it!

Then there's the other problem...

The problem in his pants.

We hung out and got to know each other all that bullshit for a couple months before anything wa attempted.

Which is what I wanted.

I think.

Anyway, the whiskey was to blame for the first failed attempt.

Lack of interest due to a latex friend for the second...

And the third, well there's no reasonable excuse for that one.

I was recounting this to my mother on the phone one day and then she said IT:

Well, there are things you can do besides PENETRATION.

::Wince:: Eeewwwww! MOM!!

Ugh. she said the 'P' word.

I'm not ready to start talking about my sex life with my mother.

. . . .

Nope not there yet.

Besides, if you can't get your dick hard, what kind of man are you?!

(and he had MOOBS!)




Smelly Danielly said...

ewwwwww man boobs!!!

Spicy Little Pi said...

and y'know what worse . . .

They were hairy!

Christopher said...

You know, I was just starting to wonder about him...

Sounds like enough good reasons to move on to me!!

Jace said...

LOL, to0 funny.
You said "(and he had MOOBS!)"

I have been laughing for about 10 minutes about that.

I would hate to be the guy that you wrote that about, then read that and know it was me, LOL. You are to0