Monday, December 11, 2006

Crimes Against Humanity

Serious title...not-so-serious content.

The humanity that I'm exposed to most is here at the office...

Let's talk about Heinous Office Crimes.


If you're in the Holiday Spirit and want to share it, I say enjoy!

Thing is this Holiday Spirit often manifests itself in the form of fattening treats.

Last week, I made fudgey brownies.

Today we have fancy chocolates laying about, begging to be eaten. (they're delicious btw...)

It's as if people are saying, 'Here! Enjoy work! Fatten that ass a little more!'

Noise Offenses

Clicking your pen over and over and over

Yes, I know you LOVE to do it. So do I.

Get a stress ball instead.

A Stress Breast will make you popular with management!

Tapping your finger on your desk to the music in your headphones.


Nothing makes me want to break out my Red Swingline and bash heads like a humming co-worker.

Talking on the phone loudly.

If you have a voice that carries, you most likely are aware of it.

Please take it to a conference room if you know it's going to be lengthy.

Some people are really bothered by
the pitter-patter of fingers on a keyboard. It doesn't bother me one bit, in fact, I enjoy it. And the bubbling gurgley sound the water cooler makes.

Olfactory Offenses.

The most Heinous of the Bunch.

Stinky feet/Farting

Yes, I know it's more comfy without your shoes, and maybe easier to work that way, but it's distracting to others...and GROSS

Letting one rip occasionally isn't a big deal. I'm talking about Chronic Flatulence.


Keep some Gold Bond, Dr. Scholl's, or air freshener in your drawer if you must...eesh

If the embarrassment of using a half-can of Glade a day doesn't bother you, more power to ya.


We already know it's poor etiquette to have hot food in your cubicle.

Cold food could also be offensive.

One word: Onions.

I LOVE onions. I cook with them all the time. I don't mind when their scent lingers on my hands for a day after I chop them...but to smell them from my desk will only conjur thoughts of deli sandwiches and delicous flaky onion rings...mmm....

Food gone wrong is The Worst Office Offense.

Burnt Popcorn.

Could their possibly be something that lingers longer and smells worse than that?!

Someone burned popcorn on the other side of the office last week, in the break room.

In order to illustrate how badly the popcorn was burned, I've drawn this detailed diagram of the office:

As you can see the stench traveled from a large, well ventilated room with a securely closing door, then around multiple cubes and conference rooms before it arrived at My Pristine Zen Cube.

My Zen was broken.


I'd rather huff the smell of burnt rubber from a paper bag.

What sort of atrocities have you experienced at work?

Hmmm I must think of a punishment befitting of these crimes...


ATL LG said...

when management has the huge ass gathering food, drinks, sweets and then afterwards doesn't offer one fucking thing to the peons that keep them employed.

This happens one more time I'm giving all their emails out to spam lists.

Mind Maelstrom said...

Chronic flatulence? Check. Constant giggling (presumably at instant messages although she may just be insane)? Check. Microwavable popcorn (doesn't even have to be burned to bother me)? Check.

It seems I've got it all.

The chronic farter is actually in the office next to ours so I don't hear him, just hear OF him (he's famous!). Oh and then he sometimes farts at meetings, which is awesome.

My least-favorite person, though, is this guy four cubes down from me who wears an obscene amount of fragrance (and it's not even a good one!).

RyeGuy said...

there's these 2 older guys at work that burp and fart all day long... they do it way too much, and I'm working construction, where such things are usually regarded as items of pride and manliness.

I mean, really, when I'm building a cubicle farm in the OTHER WING OF THE BUILDING, and I hear them burping and farting away, it's too much.

Spicy Little Pi said...

on man, ATL, that's awesome.

I could sign them up for Russian mail-order brides or something.... hehehe

great idea, I'll keep that one in my back pocket ;)

maelstrom - does he know he's (in)famous? lol that's for rico suave, ask him if he's trying to kill his co-workers... or leave a little note for him. don't stand for it!

Construction? And you think they burp/fart too much?! Now I'm going to assume that Rye is every bit the man's man, and for you to think it's too seems they've crossed the line from 'Man' to 'Pig'

revoke their man-cards.

with a spork.

Mind Maelstrom said...

No, he doesn't know it--he's a really awkward person who probably doesn't realize that a lot of the things he does are gross.
And the smelly guy is quiting (he also tends to have a lot of personal phone conversations while at work, which I, as well as everyone else in the office, really can't help but overhear), which is great because we also have thermostat wars with him :).