Introduction
Hello All,
Recent developments in my life have prompted me to create this blog. For those of you that don't know me personally, let me introduce myself, my name is Steph and I'm 23 years old.
I live in central Iowa in the United States, though I grew up in the Chicago area. "Why Iowa?" you say? Well, I went to Iowa State University (not my first choice but hey, they gave me tons of $) and graduated in August of 2004. I have a B.S. in Mathematics and a B.S. in Statistics with a minor in Economics.
Honestly the last two years were pretty boring, which is why I work in the Financial Services Industry and am not an actuary. I did sell insurance for a God-awful 9 weeks; I was told more than once that I have too much personality to be an actuary, and that, 'those people are odd ducks.'
In addition to my full-time job at an investment management firm, I work part-time at a sub shop. Most people ask me why I work 60 hours a week: It was a job I had in college and it's free food, besides I have lots of friends that work there and by no stretch is it 'hard work.' A little extra cash never hurts. What else am I going to do with my weekends? Sit on my ass and watch TV or hang out with friends? Why not get paid to hang out with them?
I have other interests but those will come out later.
This blog was inspired by anger towards the love-of-my-life-recently-turned-ex-boyfriend, Aaron.
Stay tuned for the sad story about the bitter end.
This one's for me.
Friday, December 02, 2005
The Beginning of the End
Well, let's see, where should I start?
Everything seemed to be going well between Aaron and I, at least from my perspective. We'd had the stupid fights about the small stuff, but so does everyone. The Problem first arose about this time last year...
I'm not quite sure how it first came up, but Aaron had told me that he was afraid of 'missing out on the college life' while he was with me, and I got the, 'I wish I had met you later in life.' The latter is something I've heard before, on more than one occasion.
'The college life.' What exactly is that, anyway? Well, when I heard all this stuff I flipped out a bit since things were still perfect; we were still in the euphoria stage when things were still new & exciting. We were lying on my bed as he told me this, and I was bawling. At one point he looked liked something just clicked. He looked at me and said, "You're worth more to me than the few flings I could have in the next few years of college." He stared off a little and became teary-eyed; it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I asked him, 'what?'
"I really think we have a future together; I just had a flash of you in that white dress." I melted.
I tried not to let it bother me after that, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that if anything was going to tear us apart, it would be The Problem. Turns out I was right, but at that time I didn't know how big The Problem really was.
The Problem came up a few months later, while we were at a party. Yes he was drunk, but I think most people tell more of the truth and let go whilst drunk, since their guard is down. I don't know how it came up again, but I started crying and told him that I'd leave him alone for a few months and then see where he was at. (I wasn't really serious about it, I wanted to see what he'd say.) He looked at me and I think he was scared. I started to walk to my car and he came running out, saying that no, that's not what he wanted, don't go, and we need to talk. We met at my place and would have talked about it, but he passed out. I'm not sure he remembers that one.
This past January, we were having an argument that led to some realizations and an incident. Let's call it The Whitney Situation...
Friday, December 02, 2005
The Whitney Situation
During the last week of September 2004 I was in Chicago for two weeks for training for my God-awful sales job. During that time, Aaron went to a rave and met a girl named Whitney.
On a few separate occasions, I found blonde hair in Aaron's bed. I have dark brown hair. I asked him about it and he gave me some story about how it probably came off of someone in a class and traveled home on his back pack, which he promptly throws on his bed when he comes home. Logical, right?
I had faith in Aaron and I trusted him, I didn't suspect him of cheating so I let it go even though it was a bullshit story.
Yet, it happened again. I found more blonde hairs. I asked him and he said he had no idea whatsoever how they got there.
January 2005 I didn't believe him about the hairs so I started to do some digging, through his text messages. Not my finest moment, I admit, but I did find something: a text from a Whitney saying, 'So are you and me just about sex?' That was all I needed to see. I threw his phone at him and asked him, 'Who the fuck is Whitney and why is she asking you this?'
He flipped about me looking in his phone, at that point I didn't even care. I wanted an answer. He said she was a friend, and that's it. He said he hadn't told me about her because he thought I would be jealous. Apparently sneaking around behind my back and lying to me isn't so bad.
We argued that night and he told me they hung out and she'd come over and watch TV, nothing out of the ordinary for friends.
The next morning he was leaving early for his one weekend a month of National Guard duty. I'm not sure why, but I didn't connect the blonde hairs to Whitney until that morning. I asked him if she had blonde hair. He said, 'yes.' 'So you've been lying to me about that too.'
He left and said we'd talk more when he got back. While he was gone on Saturday, my mind, being the overactive and creative to the point of worrying me sick type, started to come up with all kinds of possibilities. I told everyone I knew the story and everyone came to the conclusion that he was cheating. It seemed the easiest answer, but as we all know, it isn't always the right one.
I called him in a bawling frenzy Saturday night, and he did call me back, told me he wasn't cheating on me over and over. I can't remember if anything else was said.
He was pretty upset when we hung up, and his Guard buddies took notice, he told them what was going on and they agreed that it was a shitty situation. They then decided to take him out and get him drunk to take his mind off of it.
OK, this is Iowa, lots of people drive trucks. Apparently everyone he went to a party with drove a truck. They decided to go to a bar (which was within walking distance), and piled into Aaron's car because he was the least drunk and it could accommodate everyone.
He was pulled over for going 7 miles over the speed limit. His friend in the passenger side of the car was so nervous about the cop that he yacked on the floor. One of his friends in the back was already passed out. Needless to say, it didn't look good.
He got hauled in for drunk driving. The cops took his friends to the bar.
I got a call the next morning from Aaron at around 10 am. He said he was on his way home already. Then he told me why.
What happened was he thought they were just friends. She thought he was interested in her, and who could blame her? He'd have her come over and watch TV in his room on his bed (since his roomie was playing video games on the living room TV) and they would call each other and text pretty often. Here's the catch: He didn't tell her he had a girlfriend. We'd been dating for 9 months by then. He said it didn't come up until she kissed him, at which point he finally told her.
This is how naive he is, he didn't even know he was leading her on!
Later on, we laughed about it, he admitted he was wrong for not telling me and lying to me about it. I apologized for looking through his phone.
After the OWI, things have never been the same. He used not having a license as an excuse for just about anything. No more sweet surprises or little drop-ins. I had to drive us everywhere and pick him up and drop him off. It put a lot of strain on the relationship.
I always put 100% of myself into a relationship. I believe that if you love someone you do it with all you have and never half-ass it.
He stopped putting in 100% after this incident. I noticed, but I tried not to let it bother me, told myself we'll get used to the transportation issue. After all, I went without a license for 8 months and I made it work just fine.
Only now do I realize that we hadn't been as happy as I thought from then until the end. That's when things started to go downhill.
Secretly, he blamed me for it. I found this out one night when he was drunk in April/May/or June. I told him about it, since he didn't remember. He had to think about it before he said he didn't blame me.
I'm not sure when but I think he finally realized that it was his fault, and his alone, but I still think he harbors bad feelings towards me over it.
Up next: The lackluster months from then until The Problem resurfaces...
Monday, December 05, 2005
The Few Highlights of 2005...
Alright the lackluster months from the Whitney situation until Five Weeks of Hell...
Things were complicated by the OWI, I felt bad so I offered to drive him around, everywhere. I was looking for a full time job while working my second job. Since the hours at my second job are anything but regular, I was able to drive him to/from class quite a bit.
I must admit, I felt like his mom at times. Asking if he had homework and making him dinner etc etc. This was a huge flag, but how could I change it? We had talks about how I was distancing myself from my friends, so I decided to get my life back. I hung out with my friends a bit more, I was hoping he would come, but he rarely did. I always hung out with his friends, why not the other way around?
February '05
My birthday was, well, not the best. I'm not sure how I got wind of it, I think he left his email open on my computer at home. There were emails from all these dating sites, so I asked him about it. He said it was all left over from when he was deployed and he wasn't doing anything with them anymore but he still got emails. I asked him to delete his accounts since he really didn't meed them anymore. (The Whitney Situation put me on edge for a little bit, can you blame me?) He agreed.
I had a feeling he hadn't deleted all his accounts when I was typing in a website address and the internet history came up with some dating sites. He'd told me he was done with all that. The week before my birthday, I was, um, 'investigating,' some of these sites. I found an updated profile with a picture that I took of him on it! He'd been lying about it. (which, now, is no surprise...) I sent him a message on this dating site, saying I was disappointed in him for lying to me and to cut the shit.
Later that day, I was driving us down to Des Moines for my birthday dinner. I knew he'd seen the message, he was uncomfortable and wouldn't look at me. I was flustered about it and was trying to act like there was nothing going on, I wanted him to say something about it first. He'd been caught red-handed in a lie, and all he coudl do was rag on me for 'checking up on him.' That's what happens when you lie to someone and betray their trust, they become suspicious until you prove you are trustworthy. I was so distracted by this that I got lost on the way to my favorite restaurant, which I had been to numerous times before. Eventually it came out. I don't recall the details...But he stopped. (I'm pretty sure anyway, not that it matters now.)
My birthday present, was a huge letdown. We went to Target to grab a few things and he said he wanted to get me some flannel sheets, which I did want, but he was never able to get a ride. (There is a bus that drops you off by Target, but, I suspect he thought only losers take the bus for an hour roundtrip; even if it is to buy their girlfriend a birthday present.)
The choice of gift wasn't bad, that's not the point here. When we were putting all the crap in the car, I realized I had bought my own birthday present! We laughed about it, and then he said, "Sorry, babe, here's a 20." And handed me a $20 bill. Whoo! I'm burning up over the romance, aren't you!? While this is still entertaining to me, I knew he wasn't romantic, at all. But would it hurt to try just a little harder?
That was one of those differences I had to accept after awhile, he wasn't romantic and didn't make a big deal out of stuff like I did, for example, I celebrated our anniversary every month for almost a year. He doesn't think birthdays are a big deal, I love birthdays! I go all out for everything, that's just the way I am.
Which brings us to Valentine's Day, which is right after my birthday. He doesn't believe in Valentine's Day, and he had made that clear early on in the relationship, so I didn't expect anything from him. But I secretly hoped for a little something, anything.
Of course, I still did something, I love doing that stuff. I made us t-shirts: his, red with pink lettering, "I'm not single, I just hate Valentine's Day." Mine, pink with purple lettering, "All I got for Valentine's Day was this stupid t-shirt." We wore them out to the grocery store and dinner, we got a lot of laughs. When I gave it to him, he looked at me, and asked if I was mad that he didn't get me anything! It was sweet, he was worried that I was pissed. I didn't expect anything, and that's exactly what I got: nothing. (so much for surprises, huh?)
April 15, 2005 - Our 1 year anniversary
I was ecstatic when we were approaching our first year marker. I wanted to get him something he'd just love and he'd use all the time. My choice: an xBox. I also threw in a few games, including Halo 2. I was so excited that I spoiled the surprise 2 weeks early! I'm just terrible at keeping secrets like that. He loved it, of course, and we played Lego Star Ways constantly for a few weeks, it was great.
I was hoping we'd recreate our 6 month anniversary or go beyond it. For our 6 month celebration
he put on a suit! I was in awe when he came to pick me up! He gave me the last 3 books in a series of 7, all brand new hardcovers. We had dinner at Christopher's in Des Moines. When we got there and were waiting for our table, I was leaning into him and smiling. The hostess came over, took one look at us and said, "She really loves you." I almost cried! During the appetizer, which was made in heaven, he said he couldn't wait, and pulled a little white box with a purple ribbon tied to it out of his pocket. I was shocked. I didn't really know what to expect when I opened it. Inside were a pair of diamond earrings in 14k white gold, gorgeous! I wore them just about every day from then on. (That is, until last week, when I buried them in a drawer.) We stayed in a spa suite at a nice hotel and had a blast.
After a 6 month anniversary like that, I had high hopes for the one-year. He had Guard duty on the actual day of our anniversary so we celebrated the next week (or maybe it was the week before, wow, really not that memorable...) I think we went to dinner somewhere, but I'm not really sure where. His gift to me was to buy me a whole new outfit, from Victoria's Secret matching bra/panties, to shoes, a great gift!
But something just didn't feel right. It wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped. He wasn't all there like he was on the 6 month, and it showed.
Summer '05
By summer 2005 I had a full-time job, and was working at the sub shop about 20 hours a week. Aaron had a construction job that I would drop him off at early in the morning before I left for work. Things seemed to be alright, I don't recall anything particularly good or bad.
He had planned a trip to Europe with his friend Matt for three weeks beginning at the end of June. He was psyched. I was excited for him, and extremely jealous. I remember the day he left, I took him to my office to meet everyone I work with. We wanted to go back to Christopher's for dinner before the airport, but they were only serving drinks and appetizers. We ended up at a barbecue joint that isn't too bad, watching the news about a truck accident that we had seen on the way down.
We were rear ended on the way to the airport, no damage, thank god. I remember he was so worried about me driving home since my back started to hurt and I was still shaken up. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry as he walked away because I didn't want him to remember me that way for three weeks.
He said he's figure out how to communicate once he got over there, and the first I heard from him was this email from June 30th:
Hey everybody I got here in one piece and am having a ton of fun. phones are too expensive so this is the way I'll communicate while I'm gone. Have one more day here in Amsterdam and then I'mm ooff to Germany. Well, I've got to go have soem more fun. Bye.
And again on July 2nd:
Well, Im out of amsterdam. I made it to Berlin and just happened to get here for the end of the Live 8 concert. Berlin is a mix of architecture because of WWII, there are 1000 yr old gothic churches next to modern buildings. Carola (the girl we are staying with here has alot planned and its 1 am here so i should go to bed. Bye!
He had called a few times while over there, I remember I missed the first one, and spent a good half an hour outside my office building talking to him, I was on cloud nine...
And July 6th he replied to an email I wrote him:
Hey babe, have to keep this short because we are heading out the door soon, but we are in a samll town in the German countryside now. We spent most of yesterday lost but we still got here. i already bought you one present (its a surprise) but i know youll like it. Gotta run, bye! Love you.
The mass email for July 6th:
Hey everybody, Im thru my first week in Europe with only minor problems so far. Matt and I got lost trying to get to a friends place here but we got here everntually (4 hours late). Im now in the East German countryside now and today we saw Schulle Klenningstein (Castle Kingstone) and it was great. Amsterdam was a blast as well and on the 8th we leave for Prague. Well thats all for now, talk to everyone when I get back.
Aaron
The last email he wrote from Europe, July 13th:
Hey babe, we just got into Munich and we're waiting for our room to open up because we got here a little before check-in. Vienna was fun but tiring (I had a 'bit' to drink at the hostel with soem folks from London, Australia, and Edinburgh.) We only had one so Matt drug me out of bed to go see everything. I'm glad he did though. Prague was FUCKING AMAZING, it was untouched during both World wars so the whole city just feels old, but in a good way. Unfortunately, our hostel there sucked balls and it hailled the afternoon of our last day. Our hostel in Vienna and here in Munich are both great though. Sounds like you had a fun/long weekend, way to have fun with out me again...just kidding :P Oh yeah, the only thing you need to bring to the airport is your lovely self so that I can kiss/hug you again (and do much more to after we get home, hehe). Well i should get going, I'll call when I can, bye.
Love you lots, Aaron
Finally, he was coming home! I was so excited, I went to a movie after work, The Fantastic Four. When I was on my way out to the car, thinking about what to do for eats, my phone rang. It was Aaron calling me from Minneapolis! He said he'd be a little late, and he couldn't wait to see me. I went straight to the airport, and talked to my dad for a little bit.
I remember the moment I saw him coming down that escalator, his hair was so long and he looked a little scraggly, but God, it was so good to see him. He handed me a stuffed monkey he got at the Zurich Zoo. I named him Smuggles. We hugged and headed off to the baggage claim, stopping randomly to kiss. When we finally got to the car, it was hot and humid that day, we kissed and kissed, lots of tears and 'I love you's and 'I missed you's.
That was one of those great moments. I'm tearing up just remembering it...what happened to that love? It was so good. (at least for me) more tomorrow :*(
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Five Weeks of Hell
Last night I had this wonderful feeling of being FREE and happy with myself, where I'm going, and who I am. I love being me, and I don't need someone else to feel good about it. I'm ready to move on...so I'll just summarize that last week, since that was the final straw...
The Last Week of The Five Weeks of Hell
The Last Week happened to be that of Thanksgiving Break. Aaron had Guard duty the first weekend and then planned on staying in Storm Lake with his 'friend' Allison.
I knew of her; and I knew that she was interested in him, she called him all the time and they chatted online. He said they were just friends and he would stay at her place on the couch when he was in Storm Lake. During The First Week of Hell he told me he had feelings for someone else and during the Second Week of Hell I found out it was her, which wasn't a surprise.
He told me not to worry about it, the main reasons we were taking 'time apart' or 'giving each other space' was because he didn't know who he was outside of a relationship and he'd never been alone to just be. He wanted time to find himself but didn't want to lose me because he saw a future for us. He said he was doing it because he loved me and wanted to be a better person for me, he wanted to be able to love me the way I loved him, which was with everything I had. These are the reasons he gave me.
For Aaron's birthday I bought him 4 tickets to the Chiefs/Patriots game and a hotel room right next to the stadium the night before the game. I was excited, the plan was for me, him, one of his roomies, and a fourth to go down, party, stay at the hotel and then tailgate and go to the game. Since we were 'having problems' I wasn't sure if it was going to happen.
During the Third Week of Hell I decided to let him have the tickets and hotel room anyway, because I'm a big person and wanted him to have fun for his birthday. At first I wasn't going to go, then something came up so I couldn't, then it went away.
I found out that his friend Mandy, her little brother, and his roommate were all going to the game. I was fine with it, then on Tuesday his roommate decided that he didn't want to go since he had all kinds of school stuff to finish and he didn't want to spend an entire weekend with Mandy, nor did he want to share a bed with her. I talked to his roommate that night and found out there was an open ticket. Earlier that day I had sent Aaron a text saying I would still go to the game if he had a free ticket for me. I'm not sure why, but I knew he wasn't going to call me and invite me.
And he didn't. So I went back to Chicago to visit for Thanksgiving. Friday I was out shopping with my mom when he called. I asked him how the family was, how was the dinner, did he enjoy his time at Allison's? I informed him of his roommate's reasons for not going, mostly because I thought he needed to know he was being inconsiderate of other people's feelings, which is pretty common for him. I asked him why they were bringing an under-ager since the whole purpose of the hotel room was to get drunk at the bar and pass out there. He said, "I'm sure we can find a place that's 19 and up." He said his friend Nate was taking the fourth ticket. The conversation went a tad dry, and he said he'd call me back later.
He did, for once, though there wasn't much to talk about at that point. I told him to have fun at the game and I'd see him on Sunday.
His roommate and I had planned on Tuesday to make dinner and hang out with his gf, and the other roomie and his gf. We went shopping, Megan and I cooked, and the five of us sat down with champagne and had a nice dinner in front of the TV. As we were finishing up, the door opened and closed and Nate appeared. He sat down with us and had some leftovers.
At one point Jon asked, "Where's Opie?" (Aaron's nickname) Nate said he was downstairs. I didn't pay much mind to it. More time goes by and finally I said, "Is he really down there? Why hasn't he come up to say, 'hello'?" Nate said he didn't know, but Opie was down there with his friend Ashley or whoever.
So I said, "Fuck it, I'm going down there."
Nate: "I don't think you want to do that."
So I went.
I walked into this scene: Aaron sitting on his bed, and some girl sitting in his chair with her leg over his, and leaning into him. I walked in, a little tipsy from champagne, and said, "What are you doing down here? Why haven't you come upstairs to say hello to all of your friends?"
He kind of blubbered an 'I don't know.' I just looked at him and said,"Well, can I get a hug, or a kiss hello?"
She had moved away from him at this point, and I turned to her, she said, "Hello, I 'm Allison." and we shook hands. "Hello, I'm Steph and I'm his girlfriend." She was wearing a baseball hat so I couldn't see her face, but I think she was a little shocked. I asked her to excuse us for a few mintues, she left and closed the door behind her.
I proceeded to ask him what the fuck was going on.
I found out that he had lied to me. Mandy's little brother backed out of the game on Thanksgiving. So what does Aaron do? Call his girlfriend that was kind enough to let him have the gift and her credit card # for the hotel room? NO. He called Allison. Then he lied about it on the phone TWICE on Friday.
He asked me if I got the text he sent. Obviously I hadn't. He had the balls to send me a text earlier that day saying, 'Don't be mad, but Mandy's brother couldn't go, so Allison went to the game with us. I don't think you should be there when we get back cuz that would be weird.'
I asked him if he slept in the same bed with her. He said he did. He knew I was uncomfortable with him sharing a bed with her. But he did it anyway, because to him, it's no big deal. Again, inconsiderate. He also admitted to making out with her, he said he felt 'kinda guilty' afterwards, but apparently not guilty enough.
He told me she thought they were dating. I asked him why he let her, since he was supposed to be using this time to find out shit about himself, not running around with someone else, and, SPECIFICALLY: HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH SOMEONE ELSE ON A TRIP THAT I PAID FOR. He didn't have an answer. Surprise, surprise.
He said he thought he wanted to give things a try with her, "I think there's something there." What about what you have in front of you, retard?! I couldn't believe it.
It all seems like a bad dream now. She really didn't know we were still trying to work things out and she felt like an ass.
So after all of this, they are now dating. He's an idiot for all of the obvious reasons and so is she for wanting to get involved with someone that lied to her off the bat and is fresh out of a year-and-a-half relationship.
I'm pissed because he lied to me and I believed him. But what really gets me is he's too afraid to be alone so he clamps on to other people to make him feel good about himself.
I wrote him an email the following Friday asking him over and over, WHY AREN'T YOU DOING WHAT YOU SAID YOU 'NEEDED' TO DO. WHY DID YOU PUT ME THROUGH FIVE WEEKS OF HELL, RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND MAKE AN ASS OF YOURSELF FOR THIS 'NEED' WHEN YOU AREN'T EVEN TRYING TO RESOLVE IT? OR IS YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE SO GREAT THAT YOU HAVE TO SQUASH IT AND IGNORE YOUR PROBLEMS?
He doesn't have an answer, I hope to hear it if and when he does.
I know now that he wasn't ready for me. He needs to grow up a little, or a lot. There are things he has to get out of his system, mistakes he must make on his own. (Looks like he's starting with 'the rebound' mixed with 'the long distance' all in one.)
We were outside standing next to my car, he was upset and almost crying, he said he knew what he had to do, and after he dealt with it, "I'll come find you."
The problem with that is, it'll probably be too late.
Cheers, all, that is the whole truth and the reason he is an inconsiderate dickless piece of lying shit.
Happy stories to come in the future...
I'll get you in your sleep!
