Saturday, October 28, 2006

honesty buzzed

so i just got home from my second job at the bowling alley, yes my shift really ended around 10, but i decided to hang around and talk to some of the league bowlers and have some drinks.

ok more than buzzed and typing isn't the easiest thing to do.

a little bit of honesty.

i'm unhappy with where i am.

i didn't know it until i had found something that i percieved as better aka vancouver

when i was walking around by myself downtown, it felt more like home than this place ever has.

i'm lonely. pi is a wonderful person, yet she doesn't have many friends.

where do you go to meet friends?! do you find them in places you like to hang out? i like bowling., so i work at a bowling alley.

guess what, most of those ppl i'd never associate myself with in real life. the ones that owrk there i mean, i'm not sure about the ppl i serve, cuz most of em are married, or have kids and both of those things rule ppl out for me.

i'm confused. what to do about the exbf. i knew it wasn't the best situation to get into. there was a reason things ended last year. but i'm lonely and an ex is better than nothing, but is it.

and now what. all you can do is plan to get out. it's easier said than done. i can't just drop it all and leave. i wish. stupid younger me, if i could go back. i would slap the shit out of college me and say WTF you don't NEED to take out 10k a year just to live on, think of your future damnit.

i didn't pay tuition for the 4 years i went to college, yet i have more than the average debt. i'm reatarded. and i was even more retarded, aka too proud to ask for more $$ than my mom was already giving and ran up my credit card instead.

pi, youwere a retard and you're paying for it now.

and it sucks cuz now i'm stuck here and i can't do a damn thing about it.

and am i finally falling out of love with the ex? part of me wants to and the other resists cuz i don't have a whole lot of other ppl to lean on...

this makes me sad. why haven't i tried harder. wouldn't a single gal in a local bar make you think bad things, who is she waiting for? why is she alone? what's wrong with her.

that whole thinking is retarded i know, even in this statem but what to do about it....

i'm not happy, so what am i going to do about it.

there. i've been honest for once. yeah it wasn't the usual yeah there aren't any pictures, yeah there's no punch line.

welcome to my life.

6 comments:

Spicy Little Pi said...

ok so ibarely remember typing that whole thing up, and now i'm checking on to see about damage control.

as much as i'd like to delete it, i'll leave it. it's a good slap in the face.

what a sad show, i only had 3 heinekens and an applejack shot. guess that does more to ya after a long exhausting week than you think!

on to enjoy the weekend...

Moi! said...

I would say that you already know that your exbf isn't going to work...so don't settle, you are to fab!

ATL LG said...

SLP,

You have made a wonderful observation, yourself. Now the hard part. How to deal with it. Debt is a small mistake most make in life and if you really want most easy to correct. Spend nothing, pay off everything.
The problems of meeting one anew or a new place could be a different story. But I feel you have made a great first step. One most make to find their road is now pretty much a one way street.

Congrats...

Leafs Fan said...

Nothing wrong with being honest once in a while. Most of what I write is very far from my personal life. The thing is, I want to forget about social anxiety disorder and sick relatives. I just want to have some fun and reflect on how I can become that person I want to be. Find a balance really I suppose.

krisi said...

I have lived in dm for almost 2 years, and know exactly how you feel! I only have abotu 2 single friends, all the rest are married. If you are interested, some of my friends are having a party at a bar on saturday...it would be a good way to meet new people!!!

Spicy Little Pi said...

Thanks Moi! i'm conciously making a bad decision, but I know there are thing that can't be undone, i will find someone just as fab one day!

thanks, ATL! i'm also proud of myself for all of these realizations, as depressing as they may be, it's also liberating

lauren-that's how i usually use my blog too, but sometimes you gotta let it out...

krisi-your offer is the last thing I expected from this post! Email me!