Monday, August 07, 2006

Walk the earth?

You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures.

Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

So you've decided to be a bum.

Do people ever really decide to be a bum?

Living in the places that I have, I've seen the occasional bum, but they've been pretty shy.

Naked Hummus doesn't live in the nicest part of Des Moans, ok, let's say it's a 'colorful' neighborhood.

The kind of neighborhood that has cops hang around the gas stations at night...

His Sammich Shoppe has been stuck up by a Crackie.

His apartment, which is above the Sammich Shoppe, was burgled while he slept.

Anyway, bums in his area are not uncommon.

A Potential Bum was sitting on the Sammich Shoppe's stoop.

Naked Hummus was concerned he'd scare off customers, or harass them.

As a delivery driver left, he asked Potential Bum what he was up to.

I'm just waitin for the bus.

So the driver let him be. (but he didn't inform anyone inside the store about it)

About 10 minutes later, one of NH's female employees took it upon herself to grab a loaf of bread...

Here's some bread, sir.

What the FUCK. I'm waiting for the god damn bus. I don't wantcho bread, I ain't no BUM.

Stunned, she goes back inside.

She was upset. So another driver went outside to talk to the guy.

Hey man, you didn't have to yell at her. What are you doing out here?

I'm waiting for the mother fuckin bus and she tries to give me BREAD. Tell that cunt to get out here and suck my dick.

The bus came, and what do you know, he got on it.

When I was in college, we had some resident bums around town.

There was Lawnmower Man. (not creepy like the movie...)

An older black man, riding around town on his John Deere mower, with little trailer.

He was always hauling something in the back of that thing.

He drove it in the streets, just like any other person would with their car.

Then, there was Skirt Man.

He was always wearing a skirt when I saw him. (Hence the clever name)

Even in winter.

He had a beard, a long one.

And tits.

Not fat-man-tits. Skirt Man wasn't a fat man. (bums rarely are...)

He had BREASTS, like IMPLANTS...

I heard from a girl that I used to work with whose dad works at the clinic that Skirt Man was the victim of a botched sex change. (likely story, no?)

He always seemed angry to me.

I'd prolly be angry if someone hacked up my privates.

At least he has boobs to play with, right?

(always a silver lining...)


Uncle Buck said...

Define bum...UB is a bum, but not a homeless bum...more of a miller high life drinkin on a wednesday night kinda bum...

RyeGuy said...

everyone knows that mere karate won't beat a ninja... to beat a ninja, you need a pirate.


Spicy Little Pi said...

that guy needs more than a pirate, a whole ship *might do him some good...

UB, i wouldn't call that a bum, that title's reserved for the likes of db1, sitting on his dirty carpet getting drunk on night train.

i'd call high life on a wednesday night a good time ;)