Sign Posters are Idiots.

I know I'm not the only one that thinks so.

Last night on my way home, around 11:15 or so I encountered a DETOUR of I-235

That highway has been under construction for like 7 years...

Normally, detours aren't a problem.

Normally.

First, there weren't any signs saying 'Oh hey, btw, the highway is closed and we're sending you on a detour through the bad part of town.'

The cones just MADE me exit.

fucking cones.

OK, so follow the signs, right? Right.

I turned left where the trusty signs told me to turn left and the first thing I see is a FLASHING sign stating that the ramps are closed.

wtf.

Turn around, and what do I see...A sign saying that to get on the highway going west I have to GO BACK THE WAY I CAME

Assholes.

So I decided to wing it.

I have no idea where I am, but I figured if I stuck close to the highway I could hold out until I recognized something.

Note: I don't drive much at night.

I became VERY wide awake.

What kind of wayward IDIOT makes a detour lead to a yet-to-be-built entrance ramp?

Next time I'll drive THROUGH those stupid orange thingys and tell them to ram their detour signs up their asses and stand on the fucking corners themselves, and if they do well, then maybe they can remove the signs and go home...

Ouch.

The shit has hit the fan here at work, and it's landing all over my desk.
(i asked for it)
I'm working on cleaning it up.
(can't you tell)

Damnit.

Resident Appreciation Week

Oh YES!

It's Resident Appreciation Week at my complex!

The have a Whole BUNCH of FUN activities planned to help everyone meet their neighbors!

There's probably 380-400 apartments in the 'complex' which is one 'W' shaped building.

As I've said before, a good portion of them are RETIRED.

Monday: Grab 'n Go Breakfast

This was a pretty good fucking idea. As I drove out of the parking garage, there was a hot maintenance guy with a bag 'o breakfast waiting for me.

Now that's service.

Tuesday: Ice Cream Social

Skipped it. I bet it was lame.

Wednesday (today): BINGO

PASS. Who knows what kinds of hijinks could occur!

Though if I did go and I won a round I would TOTALLY rub in the nearest senior's face!

Thursday: Movie on the lawn

A family friendly movie with pop/popcorn shown on one of the grassy knolls in one of the courtyards.

Depending on the level of 'family friendliness' I might go. I'll yell and throw popcorn like an obnoxious brat.

Friday: Wine Fest

Now that's more like it. Wine, cheese, crackers.

::AHEM:: FREE FOR 3 HOURS

Hell yeah. Then let's go swimming!

Saturday: Pool Party Luau

Cook out pool side, raffle off stupid prizes...

I'll be busy making $$

As cheesey as all this shit is, I'll probably either:

a) find some acceptable young & employed's

or

b) find out I'm the coolest person at the party cuz everyone else my age figured it'd be lame and is in their apt getting drunk without me

Any Guesses?

Home Smell

You know that smell. It makes you feel comfy.

You open the door, returning after a long hard day at work in your cube, and then

W H O O S H

That smell washes over you and whatever creatures are awaiting your return rush to greet you....

You can tell when people have dogs from that smell.

What they've been cooking...

Their favorite candle even!

I used to love my home smell.

Now it sucks.

It's not like I smell or anything...

Wait...(pit check...)

Nope, fine.

Speaking of pit checks, one time at the bar the Jilted Love Monkey decided that she smelled so she went to the bathroom and cleaned up...Only her pits were soaking wet when she left.Like dripping. Didn't smell, but looked like she was Pitting Out (to the MAX)Nice going, Love Monkey.

Anyway, the management of the complex has been updating certain apartments.

Like mine.

They put in wood floor. Not the real stuff.

The fake stuff. The slippery as hell stuff.

The Glue-It-Yourself-Stuff.

THE DAY BEFORE I MOVED IN.

My Home Smell is that of Floor Glue.

And occasionally cat box.

Even after cooking a deliciously pungent meal, the glue prevails.

I'm going to have to spill perfume er some shit to mask it...

What's a girl to do?!

Random Sayings & Happenings: Cuz I Feel Like it.

Since there isn't enough to write a complete and rational story, let's just string some unrelated events together, shall we?

Saturday I proved to myself that I cannot be trusted to wander around a mall or any store that's having a sale.

Especially if I'm carrying a credit card. (evil}:)

The only time I spent outside in the daylight was walking to and from my car.

SIGH Silly female urges.

I caught the last hour of various movies.

Like Groundhog Day, one of my favorites.

Some Australian movie from the early '90s with a young Russell Crowe looking all small-town cowboy.

And FLASH GORDAN.

FLASH! (pause) AAAHHOOOHH,(chord chord) HE SAVED EVERY ONE OF US!

Takes me back to childhood.

The costumes are ridiculously cheesey and over the top. I've never seen so many sequins!

Flash I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!

What a selfless statement.

Best line I heard: She's magnificent. We will take her and breed with her and send our Imperial Progeny to repopulate your planet.

Oh, Snap?

This morning as I was exiting the highway, after my excruciating almost-3-mile-commute, I saw a license plate that made me giggle.

Then it made me think. . . WTF

We've all seen the stupid macho plates, I've even seen one that said GET BEER...

But who would WANT THIS for a license plate?


A big THANKS to the little intern that took stupid shit off my desk, which allowed me to blog at work today!

Anality

We all have our little anal habits...

I, for example, like post-it notes.

They're all over my cubicle.

I think I label everything to make it look like I'm actually busy...

Or this office job has caused me to lose my mind and I can't remember a damn thing anymore!

(getting older)

The stickies make me feel like I'm organized.

But, as usual, there's ALWAYS someone in the office with
SUPREME ANALITY

He Pledges his desk once a week.

And at the end of EVERY DAY, he straightens it up.

Here in Cubicle Hell one of our Equity Analysts is the
SUPREME ANALITY.

Behold, the daily flexing:

You know That Guy.

He's in his 30s, single, quiet, NERDY

Works weekends.

FOR FUN.

When he parks next to you in the lot you can't help but stare thru his window.

It's perfectly clean. Like new.

He isn't management either. (cuz they HAVE to have perfectly clean vehicles)

Pi, on the other hand, well I exhibit a bit of anality.

Nerds can't help it.

But, as you can see, I'm more half n half.

The messy part of my cube even oozes into the 'hallway'...it's a funny wall of sorts.

People even come by to see if I've posted anything new.

Kinda like this thing.

Weird.

If any of you would like to chat with Pi, add MexicanHeatwave to your Gmail contacts, I'm also on msn, but only at night.

Well, the nights I stay in. Maybe.

Beyond Wrong

I was at a shitty bar so I shouldn't have been surprised when I witnessed this:

Being the nerd that I am, I had my trusty camera on me...

Yes, that's a handlebar-turned-ape-hanger mustache...and his pants are undone!

The look on the bartender's face says it all.

Reminds me of something I heard at The Funny Bone...

Body Shot? But that bitch is HUGE!

. . .

Aww, fuck it! Fill up her belly button, make it a double!

shudder

Side Note: Has anyone switched to Blogger Beta yet? What do you think of it?

Testicle Update

I've been putting this off. . .

Update on The Nut Fry, which was first mentioned here (and the inspiration for Jetson's Ball Machine Shirt)

I went. (I LOVE how happy she looks!)

I got to GNOSH on TESTICLES.

And I did it in the dark. (got there around 10pm...)

The smell in the parking lot where this little shin-dig was held was....distinctive.

They were about 1.5" in diameter, breaded, and FRIED.

The size makes me think they were Pig Scrote.

The texture, hmmm well this is an odd one. If you chew on it, very tender.

But you can't just bite off a little piece!

Tried that. Tough.

Weird.

Which brings us to The Taste.

Not bad. Not like chicken. Not like beef, or pork either....

Different.

There's no way to describe it!

I took this picture with some shitty camera phone or cheap digital...I don't remember...

Night Vision Testicles!

And after chowin' down on testicles....

To the Gay Bar!

As I was moving my way to the front of the room to take in the drag show in all its glory, I saw someone I recognized from a few classes in college.

He turned his head a little...saw me, so I waved...

His head snapped back so fast he could've caused whiplash.

5 minutes later as I made my way back out...he was nowhere to be found!

Could he be GASP.....GHEYY?!

shrug. Not a big surprise.

Amazing who you'll see (and possibly out) at the Gay Bar...

Blingy

Rich People do all kinds of retarded things.

One that really irritates me is when they dress up their pets.

A fucking DOG is running around in a foofy little lacy shirt and real diamond encrusted collar that cost more than my whole outfit?!

WTF.

That money would be better spent on a brain transplant.

Or not.

Some people are beyond help.

There are tons of sites that sell that shit. (of course)

They have ewtsy cutesy stab-my-brain-with-a-q-tip names like DoggieVogue and GlamourDog.

BARF.

Then there's this:


Yeah, those are Gold Crowns. It cost $1800.

His owner, dentist David Steele, said he gave Sebastian gold crowns to help strengthen the fanged feline's teeth. Steele said he was worried the unique canines would break off or become a problem.

How about when the sun hits those crowns just right and reflects into your eye, blinding you as you just so happen to be slicing meat, causing you to slip and chop off a finger instead?

. . . think about it. . .

Lesson?

Bling out your pets and lose a finger.

It's your choice.

I realize the irony of me spending 60 bucks to have my kitty cut like a lion, but that's actually FUNCTIONAL, so eat it.

Time to Whore it Up!

So I've given in to the Flickr Temptation.

Pics of the Pi.

Gorge yourselves!

I've been screwing around with my template a bit, and if you noticed, I now have a favicon.

If yout want one, just ask!

I'm so cool.

wwhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

As a child I would always squeal 'wwhheeeeeeee' whenever I was on the swings. . .

Imagine the sounds I made while on the rides at Six Flags Great America!

First up was The Viper, a woody with only lap bars, whose first drop is 80 feet and gets up to 50 mph.

Those woodies give me headaches. The shaking is unbelievable.

Each peak gives you that great lifting feeling in your stomach, but some of the thrill comes from the feeling that the whole thing is going to fall apart! (what are we talking about again??)

Raging Bull was next. It had to be. After standing in line underneath it's first drop of 200 feet and hearing everyone screaming. . .

We got up to the front of the line, waiting for the front row. . . and watched as TWO LARGE people were turned away because they couldn't pull the lap harness thingy back far enough . . .

How embarassing.

The ride was awesome. It goes so fast your eyes water.

Another woody followed, a 25 yr old woody. shaky shaky.

Then it was time for some grub:

A 1/4 lb foot long chili cheese dog.

With cheese fries.

And yes, I ate the whole damn thing.

With a spork.

After some wandering around to let that brick settle it was time. . .

Batman the Ride

'Guests will finally escape through the Batcave to be whisked away on Batman's newest crime-fighting device, Batman The Ride. '

Crime fighting device, eh?

Whatever, it was awesome.

Afterwards I got soaked on a frickin water ride.

Wet, sticky jeans. . .

Not as much fun as that other activity that gives you wet, sticky jeans. . .but at least I was cooled off...

To dry off, standing in line for Superman: Ultimate Flight seemed like a good idea. . .

I'm not sure who thought this contraption up, but it was something else . . . you sit in your chair, get strapped in, including your legs, and then the whole thing retracts so you're facing the floor.

You're fucking FLYING.

The first loop is what did it for me, going in head first, then curving around and falling back against the seat...

damn.

The rest of it was kinda boring. Like Superman was cruisin through the sky and just enjoying being able to fly . . . at 60 mph

Because of the restraints you can only stick your arms out so far, like the goober in the picture.

Pi had a great time on the rides, too bad I didn't have the time to go on all of them . . .

Whenever I get off my lazy ass and get my Chi-town pics, I'll post that...maybe.

Hot BEEF Sundae

The Iowa State Fair is currently under way and going strong . . .

I've only been to 2 fairs in my whole life.

The first time I ever saw farm animals was at the zoo on the lakefront in Chicago...

The state fair is a big to-do here in Iowa. It's 'Internationally Acclaimed.'

It's the perfect place to people-watch.

You'll see the fattest of the fat.

The hickest of the hicks.

The people that really love their animals.

And what are they doing?

Eating fried food.

On a STICK.

Fried Twinkies.

Fried Pickles.

Deep Fried Oreos.

Last year the Food of the Fair was a Chili Dog On A Stick.

This year it's the Hot BEEF Sundae.

A bowl, generously filled with hand-mashed buttery potatoes surrounded by slow-roasted fork-tender roast beef topped with savory beef gravy, sprinkled with Cheddar cheese and finished with a ripe red cherry tomato.

Delicious.

Pi's on Vacation!

Yes, it's true, the workaholic that I am...

I'm going on Vacation!

(sort of.)

Not a tropical destination, Europe, or even Canada.

Chicago.

The Jaunty Lookin Hobo is flying in from the UK!

He's never been to Chi-Town. So Pi will show him.

Hobo is a fellow nerd, he's been hard at work on Enemy Territory: Quake Wars (a programming nerd!)

For you gamers out there, it looks fucking sweet. Check it out.

While all of you suckers are at work, doing your boring jobs and blogging to escape from it, we will be checking out comedy at The Second City. . .

Visiting various museums, the aquarium, the music festival. . .

Possibly dining at Medieval Times. . .

And, of course, enjoying Real Chicago Pizza

I even made a spreadsheet.

Activities, locations, hours, cost, special shows with times...even a tentative schedule.

My nerd couldn't resist.

Enjoy your week, weekend, and first part of next week!

If you need a dose of The Pi, dig around in my archive bin or the links! (I will miss reading everyone!)

There's some funny shit in there, if I do say so myself. . . back next wednesday : )

Pi's a NERD, Part III

The continuing story of my nerdery...

Once Pi hit college all hell broke loose. Well it was actually the summer before college.

Pi, meet cheap beer, cheap beer, Pi.

It was love at first sip.

Once school began, Pi started her curriculum....

In MATHEMATICS.

17 credit hours.

Then I took STAT 101.

And fell in love all over again.

I became, a DOUBLE MAJOR.

But that wasn't enough. . .

I went to summer school for 2 of my 3 summers.

Then I picked up a MINOR in ECONOMICS.

yawn. yeah, I know.

I was even on The Bowling Team. (Stories HERE)

I was the Treasurer. (I'm so cool...)

Then I applied for graduation...and received a letter saying:

Since you are such a nerd and are planning to graduate having completed 2 curriculums AND accumulated more than 30 credits over the necessary limit, you are eligible to receive 2 DEGREES.

I did this in four years. (i brag, i brag...)

You know how they make college freshman sign a paper saying they'll graduate in 4 years?

Well, they do, The Soar in Four Program. (barf)

Yeah, that was me.

And I actually did it. I STILL have friends in college. Going on year #7. . .(the anti-nerds)

That is where I graduated, though there were ALOT more people since I marched in a May ceremony...4 fucking hours!

My Academic Nerd Status is firm.

Guess what, I'm not an actuary, a mathematician, or a teacher. I don't work for the Bureau of Labor Statistics or even the Census Bureau.

Those degrees are gettin some good use.

My Little Lion

Here's my Little Lion all balled up on my bed.

She's a teeny little thing.

Jayda, the Ugly One, is about 3 years old.

She only weighs 6 pounds.

Her hair was about 5 inches long.

She has a FLAT FACE. (notsogood for cleaning)

Lots of hairballs. (make pi angry)

There's nothing like coming home from a hard day's work (and blogging) to find a nice pukey stain ON YOUR BED.

On your 600 thread count sheets.

Time to draw the line.
an action shot:

No more hair for kitty!

And She's Thrilled:

At first when I saw her running around like that in my apartment, I almost felt bad.

Almost.

After she started being nice again, I was able to snap a little picture of us.

Aren't we cute?

Drooly, the fat one, didn't recognize her.

She growled at her.

She swatted at her.

Poor thing.

I think she's adorable.

And she totally deserved it.

Walk the earth?

You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures.

Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

So you've decided to be a bum.

Do people ever really decide to be a bum?

Living in the places that I have, I've seen the occasional bum, but they've been pretty shy.

Naked Hummus doesn't live in the nicest part of Des Moans, ok, let's say it's a 'colorful' neighborhood.

The kind of neighborhood that has cops hang around the gas stations at night...

His Sammich Shoppe has been stuck up by a Crackie.

His apartment, which is above the Sammich Shoppe, was burgled while he slept.

Anyway, bums in his area are not uncommon.

A Potential Bum was sitting on the Sammich Shoppe's stoop.

Naked Hummus was concerned he'd scare off customers, or harass them.

As a delivery driver left, he asked Potential Bum what he was up to.

I'm just waitin for the bus.

So the driver let him be. (but he didn't inform anyone inside the store about it)

About 10 minutes later, one of NH's female employees took it upon herself to grab a loaf of bread...

Here's some bread, sir.

What the FUCK. I'm waiting for the god damn bus. I don't wantcho bread, I ain't no BUM.

Stunned, she goes back inside.

She was upset. So another driver went outside to talk to the guy.

Hey man, you didn't have to yell at her. What are you doing out here?

I'm waiting for the mother fuckin bus and she tries to give me BREAD. Tell that cunt to get out here and suck my dick.

The bus came, and what do you know, he got on it.

When I was in college, we had some resident bums around town.

There was Lawnmower Man. (not creepy like the movie...)

An older black man, riding around town on his John Deere mower, with little trailer.

He was always hauling something in the back of that thing.

He drove it in the streets, just like any other person would with their car.

Then, there was Skirt Man.

He was always wearing a skirt when I saw him. (Hence the clever name)

Even in winter.

He had a beard, a long one.

And tits.

Not fat-man-tits. Skirt Man wasn't a fat man. (bums rarely are...)

He had BREASTS, like IMPLANTS...

I heard from a girl that I used to work with whose dad works at the clinic that Skirt Man was the victim of a botched sex change. (likely story, no?)

He always seemed angry to me.

I'd prolly be angry if someone hacked up my privates.

At least he has boobs to play with, right?

(always a silver lining...)

the poor thing...

More pictures to come soon...a preview: