Home Lunch

Nothing beats going home for lunch

except maybe a naughty lunch - but even that is better at home...

I live extremely close to work.

Like 1.7 miles close to work.

I can go home and take a little nap.

Or watch some Jerry Springer.

Or Animal Planet.

Or The Daily Show!

Cook up some leftovers, or make something super quick

It's a wonderful break in the day!

Yesterday I actually learned something while at home for lunch.

Animal Planet was running some program about creatures that live in the abyss.

Like this ugly fucker:

The show went on to describe how these things mate.

Since it's pitch black down there, once a male, which is 1/10th the size of the female, finds a lady, he bites her.

He bites until he can latch on.

Within a few days, they're fused together.

He lives off of her blood, which circulates through his body.

In return, she has a constant supply of sperm.

He ends up being a parasitic ballsack!

Amazing isn't it?

It's the Traditional Provider Model turned on it's head and bent over.

Yes, I just did a post on deep sea angler mating.

I learned something so I thought I'd share!

okok i'll write more, i'm bored anyway!

The funniest thing I got for Christmas was a little box from my grandmother containing Extreme Age-Defying Line Reducing Face Cream

All of the active ingrediants are sunscreen.

Gee, thanks, Gramma!

Next Year I'll be sure to get you that super-pack of Depends and Old-Lady Blue-Hair dye, even though you'll only be 67!

I took this picture while I was home for lunch yesterday

My kitties prefer bags and boxes to actual cat toys.

Stupid furballs.

As you can see, it makes her happy.

There's nothing going on here at work and it was pretty obvious by the amount of cars on the road this morn that damn near everyone took today off.

Except me.

New Years Eve!! yes, I'm doing something.

duh.

We're hitting the Embassy Suites in downtown Des Moines this year, got a room and a bottle of bubbly and breakfast and a big party with 3 bands

80s Cover Bands.

Need I say more?!

There will be pictures, oh yes, there will!

Have a great weekend and a Happy New Year!

My Christmas Haul

was pretty damn good this year!

After four long days of driving, eating, drinking, sleeping, making tamales, and shredding wrapping paper, I am beat!

But I'm here at work.

Focus?

what's that again...

oh yeah that thing i'm lacking today

and in that spirit I'm going to tell you to go look at my Christmas 2006 flickr set

and then call it a blogging day!

total cop-out, i know.

maybe more tomorrow.

maybe.

If you still need a gift for that special somone...

Especially you men..

Looky here: A Special Christmas Box

rofl - i need more work to do...

Rockin' The Ugly Seasonal Sweater Vest

At work, oh yeah you know it!

I bought this vest at a thrift store for 2 dollars - sweet!

It's my way of making fun of all the people that wear them.

It's a Sag Harbor btw.

There are certain types of ladies that wear Sag Harbor... haha it's cheesey I bet you can figure it out!

I'm going to throw up a bunch of random stuff Cuz I Feel Like It.

Notice the fishie in the background

His name is Alberto.

Al-Bear-tho, make sure you say it right, bitch, otherwise he'll jump out that bowl so fast and show you what a Siamese Fighting Fish is all about!

and FYI - I'm not the only one that 'dressed appropriately' for the last day in the office before Christmas!

Here's Jon rockin the overalls and a Grinch Tie.

Why?

Cuz he's fucking cool like that.

I gave a select few of my coworkers gifts.

Yeah, I'm THAT chick at the office.

One of the guys that opened his gift yesterday was SO EXCITED.

I couldn't believe it.

This is the first Christmas gift I've gotten this year. You don't get many when you're older, then it's all about the kids.

He proceeded to rip off the wrapping paper like a giddy little kid!

When he got the Golf-theme Desk Bookends out of the box he was floored!

The look on his face was precious and he was touched.

That's why I do it, that look!

Very satisfying.

It was an extremely appropriate gift, since we're 'In the Business' where playing Golf is damn near mandatory.

He's a Golf Lover, and I figured he'd like another golf-themed piece to grace his office.

I'm so thoughtful.

I'm glad he liked it so much, he's going to be my new boss.

I rock.

CEO-Bossman won't receive his gift from me until next week.

I got him a 3-pack of cacti. I need to go back to IKEA and get the nifty-difty 3-pot holder thingy for em...

Why Cacti?

Cause he can't keep a regular friggin plant alive in his office.

I just hope he doesn't think I think he's a prick - cactus, prickly, ouch - you get it? haha

Monday night I went to the High Life Lounge in my Goodwill shirt.

Orange Flowers.

Stretchy.

Sleeves that Flare from the elbow down.

In other words, Fucking Awesome.

We drank some Grain Belt.

Best. Shitty Beer. Ever.

Oh yeah, those are bowling pictures behind us.

The High Life Rocks.

It was a JJs Reunion of sorts.

Besides my two best buds in the pic, The Big O and Nick 'Naked Hummus' Rich and Theresa were present.

We had all worked at the same store in downtown Ames

Nick was a shift manager, I, a lowly inshopper, Rich a delivery driver, and then Theresa, I got her hired, she got Beckman hired, and he got Owen hired!

Amazing.

Anyway, the office is eerily quiet today, less than half the office will be here Tuesday!

Including me!

Yes, Spicy is heading back to Chi-town.

A Spicy Christmas includes making something like 50 pounds of tamales on Christmas Eve with the Mexican family and then sitting around eating them, catching up, watching tv, and drinking beer.

Awesome.

I'm sure to stuff my face and do some shopping the other days as well...

Oh I was wrapping gifts last night and I happend to actuall LOOK at a Target Bag:

How long has this been going on?!

Let's see, I've done

Numbers 1, 2, 7, and 9.

Water Balloon?!

They are confident enough in their plastic bag quality that they think it would hold water long enough for me to hurl at someone/thing?!

I might have to test that one.

If you're using a whole taget bag for an ice pack for a head lump, you should prolly seek medical attention.

A lump that big, it's got to be a Tumor.

Sorry to inform ya, buddy, it's cancer.

Alright enough babbling, Pi!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, if you're travelling, I hope you arrive safely!

For all my Canadian Homies, enjoy the shopping madness that is Boxing Day, not a shopper? Enjoy another day off with the family!

I'll be back Wednesday!

Cheers all, and Merry Christmas!

Guido Seed

I've known for awhile that I'm not as Mexican as I was previously told

How much not-as-Mexican?

Supposedly I was told earlier this year, but I wasn't listening.

Your Grandfather is also part Italian, but he's isn't sure how much, he didn't really know his parents

That's the line I had been fed for awhile.

Now the truth comes out.

Well, your grandfather didn't want to let it be known that we were part italian because there were families involved with the mob living in the area. I went to school with mob kids.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm no longer 50% Mexican.

I'm 37.5% Mexican and 12.5% Italian.

I'm a Pseudo-Guido Seed.

Which kinda explains why we have a last name that might be Italian

I've always loved Italian food.

Hell I make a mean white wine sauce.

Love Gaahhhlic.

I loved The Sopranos.

By this highly scientific set of criteria, I just may be Italian.

Those other Italian Bloggers ain't that bad neitha.

Sweet. I need to buy a scooter.

Ciao!

Life of the Party

. . . The Office Holiday Party that is!

After a few drinks at the office we all ventured out to Ohana Steakhouse

You were a little fuzzy (see picture)

You make good stories

The coat thing was hilarious. . .

The coat thing?!

CEO mimicking the Pi: I didn't take your fuckin' coat, it's MY coat, it's a worthington, my mother gave it to me!

haha oh boy, sounds like something I'd say...

And Now: The night as I remember it...

We popped open the booze a little after 4pm at the office.

Yes, I got paid for an hour of drinking.

2 glasses of wonderful Reisling, down the hatch, or was it 3?

Head to Ohana, where my old-as-my-dad co-worker bellies up to the bar and orders a Sake Bomb.

A half glass of beer and a shot of sake are placed in front of him

So what do I do now?

We explained it to him and he chugged er down, without a word of complaint or a funny face.

Impressive.

I get a beer and we congregate in the room with 4 grill that we will be dining in..there was around 30 ppl there

CEO and Admin-Head are chatting away, being the brown-noser that I am, I jump in to the conversation.

Did you see so-and-so do a Sake Bomb? I'm thinking about doing one myself, but I'm not sure I NEED it.

They egg me on.

Time for a disclaimer...OK, just to let you know, I hold back quite a bit at work, if I do this Sake bomb, I can guarantee my Steph is going to hang out.

They order one for me.

Thanks, Management.

Admin-Head even held my beer while I did it. I could see people staring out of the corner of my eye as beer dripped down my chin...

Aaahhhhhh

A funny after-taste, but not bad at all.

We're seated and start looking at the menu.

I'm analyzing the Martini section....

French Martini: Stoli Raz, Chambord, pineapple juice

Sounds good. I order one...

Waiter: Vodka or Gin?

Vodka, ya freak, that's what the menu says.

Is Grey Goose okay?

WTF...um yeah...

What arrives is a clear martini with a lemon and lime slice in it...

And it tastes like rubbing alcohol.

Barely drinkable, even in my state of buzz.

Rather than send it back, Spicy adds ice and a little bit of lime juice, nurses it all during dinner, switches tables for better conversation and then spills it on a co-worker.

Awesome.

But no worries, he was drinking Warm Sake. He likes to share.

Lucky me!

Dinner, oh yeah totally flirted with the chef. So much so that I was getting looks from a couple of divorced prudish coworkers...haha yeah Spicy was totally hanging out.

How Spicy? Hah well I failed to rock the chopsticks and dropped my first bite right on my sweater.

Double Awesome points.

After warm sake I felt the French Martini deserved another chance. I ordered it at the bar.

What I received looked like this and it was delicious:

Even if I couldn't hold it steady and spilled it on no less than 5 people.

Apparently I took a picture with a coworker in the bathroom. haha barely remember doing that.

and no, it's not naughty you pervs.

So we're all happy and taking up what little room there was around the bar...so now what?

We head to a bar!!

We're all lit up so it's a Fantastic Idea.

I tag one of my coworkers to drive me, grab a black leather jacket off the coat rack, and off we go!

The bar is literally in the strip mall across the street, so it's a quick drive and I have no idea what was said.

I leave the coat in the car, no biggie.

Someone buys me a drink. Tequila Sunrise, of course.

We're all hanging out by this foozeball table, I think I bumped my elbow on it, cuz I have this pretty serious looking bruise (discovered the next day)

OpsHead accuses me of taking her coat off the rack.

That's when Spicy started swearing and probably gesturing and really slurring words...

Apparently, Very Entertaining.

She's given keys to go out to Driver's car, and guess what, it was her coat.

So Driver, being the good guy that he is, goes back to the restaurant to retrieve my coat, having to explain that he wasn't stealing it, it was left by his drunken co-worker...

After that, I got pretty chummy with another hammered coworker, I kinda remember that.

You two were quite the pair!

haha, great.

After awhile people start to leave.

I always seemed to have a drink in my hand.

Tom gave me a 20 and made me promise I'd use it to grab a cab home and to work the next day.

Then I look around.

It's just me and Hammered.

He's married btw.

Next thing I know, Hammered is laying it on.

Thick.

Gross.

He's a little on the strange side. married. he's a bond analyst. blahhhhhh

Then he tried to kiss me.

Ok time to bail. But what to do? Your car is at the office, and you're hammered at a bar.

Call Mr. Squeeze, we were going to hang out anyway...

Mr. Squeeze agrees to come pick me up.

9:50pm. I escape!

Last I saw Hammered he was stumbling after me...

We head back to my apartment, where I decide I need s'more wine.

Mr. Squeeze, being The Nice Guy Award Winner for 10 years straight, even comes back in the morning and drives me to work.

Nice. my coworkers think he's a stud.

Friday at work was rough.

Reallly rough.

Hammered has started sending me emails.

wtf is it with married men and the Pi?

An interesting night...I think we've all bonded, finally.

save money this year...

I have this fantastic story about how drunk I was last night at the company holiday party but i'm too damn hungover, tired, bored, hungry, and unmotivated to actually throw it together!

Instead you get this funny picture.



Maybe tomorrow...have a great weekend!

A Not-So-Secret Desire

Obessessive Infatuation.

My fellow Cubemonkey, B, was purusing Facebook and found the page of someone she and her husband consider a friend

Wellll this 'friend' is a little more than obssessed with B's Hubby.

'Friend' has status update after status update describing how excited she is to be seeing B's hubby...

'I'm going to see B-Hub Wednesday and Saturday!'

'Kimberly is LOVING B-Hub'

'Kimberly is Dreaming about her prince charming'

'Kimberly is adoring her B-Hub'

Have you ever heard of a DIARY?!

B is now freaked out and absolutely furious.

'Friend' is one that is always after married men.

B prompty called her hubby and informed him of what she found...

He was disturbed as well and they agreed the friendship must end.

Hubby sent a nasty little email to 'Friend'

Let's hope B doesn't drive up to 'see' 'Friend' and end up in jail...

Ahhhh the power of the interweb!

Don't be stupid people, only post it if you're okay with anyone and everyone seeing it...freakin idiot...

Crimes Against Humanity

Serious title...not-so-serious content.

The humanity that I'm exposed to most is here at the office...

Let's talk about Heinous Office Crimes.

Treats

If you're in the Holiday Spirit and want to share it, I say enjoy!

Thing is this Holiday Spirit often manifests itself in the form of fattening treats.

Last week, I made fudgey brownies.

Today we have fancy chocolates laying about, begging to be eaten. (they're delicious btw...)

It's as if people are saying, 'Here! Enjoy work! Fatten that ass a little more!'

Noise Offenses

Clicking your pen over and over and over click-click...click-click...

Yes, I know you LOVE to do it. So do I.

Get a stress ball instead.

A Stress Breast will make you popular with management!

Tapping your finger on your desk to the music in your headphones.

Singing/humming.

Nothing makes me want to break out my Red Swingline and bash heads like a humming co-worker.

Talking on the phone loudly.

If you have a voice that carries, you most likely are aware of it.

Please take it to a conference room if you know it's going to be lengthy.

Some people are really bothered by the pitter-patter of fingers on a keyboard. It doesn't bother me one bit, in fact, I enjoy it. And the bubbling gurgley sound the water cooler makes.

Olfactory Offenses.

The most Heinous of the Bunch.

Stinky feet/Farting

Yes, I know it's more comfy without your shoes, and maybe easier to work that way, but it's distracting to others...and GROSS

Letting one rip occasionally isn't a big deal. I'm talking about Chronic Flatulence.

Eew.

Keep some Gold Bond, Dr. Scholl's, or air freshener in your drawer if you must...eesh

If the embarrassment of using a half-can of Glade a day doesn't bother you, more power to ya.

Food.

We already know it's poor etiquette to have hot food in your cubicle.

Cold food could also be offensive.

One word: Onions.

I LOVE onions. I cook with them all the time. I don't mind when their scent lingers on my hands for a day after I chop them...but to smell them from my desk will only conjur thoughts of deli sandwiches and delicous flaky onion rings...mmm....

Food gone wrong is The Worst Office Offense.

Burnt Popcorn.

Could their possibly be something that lingers longer and smells worse than that?!

Someone burned popcorn on the other side of the office last week, in the break room.

In order to illustrate how badly the popcorn was burned, I've drawn this detailed diagram of the office:

As you can see the stench traveled from a large, well ventilated room with a securely closing door, then around multiple cubes and conference rooms before it arrived at My Pristine Zen Cube.

My Zen was broken.

Shattered.

I'd rather huff the smell of burnt rubber from a paper bag.

What sort of atrocities have you experienced at work?

Hmmm I must think of a punishment befitting of these crimes...

Spicy the Tutor

Back in the day...in College, Spicy was a tutor.

A Calculus Tutor.

A Stat 101 Tutor.

I was the tutor everyone hoped for.

Call it 'Hot for Teacher' syndrome, alas, it makes it difficult to focus on the subject.

Unfortunately, college students have this knack for putting things off till the last minute.

Till the Do-or-Die minute.

Point of no return minute.

Event Hor..okok you get it.

They Procrastinate like it pays big bucks.

So I generally didn't have any Tutees until mid-semester.

There are a few that stand out in my mind...

There was Mark, the frat boy.

He signed up for one-on-one tutoring for Stat 101.

I think he was a photographer for the school newspaper too...

He was tall, cute, and dumb. Typical Frat Boy.

It was October, and his House puts on a Haunted House for all the kids in the area...

Instead of actually paying attention and using our 1-hour session wisely, he spent it inviting me over to his House and asking me out.

Mark, what's the standard deviation?

Is that a 'yes'?

Mark!

When he didn't understand a problem he'd sit there and slap his forehead and say 'GOD, Why am I so STUPID?!'

Oh boy.

I also had a group of girls for Stat 101.

Sorority girls.

One of them was Like, OMG, did you SEE what those Hippies were doing on the quad?! UGH, They're SOOOO GROSS!!

::SIGH:: Deep Breath, you can do this, Spicy.

It was a welcome challenge and definitely tried my patience.

They had an exam coming up. Usually I tried to hold an extra session before the test for all of my groups at once...

Mark came to join the sorority girls for a review.

I made them do problems on the board. (Oh yes, I did.)

To show Mark that dimwits like himself could actually LEARN from me, I had Little Miss Bubbly do a problem first.

She did just fine.

Then it was Mark's turn. . .

He botched it up pretty well.

He was really embarrassed.

So I sent one of the hotter girls in the group to help him out

The look on his face. Oh my, Priceless.

Interestingly enough, Mark buckled down and tried harder.

Every now and then, I'd run into people I had tutored at the bar.

Even Little Miss Bubbly.

This is the girl that helped me pass Statistics! Without her, I wouldn't have gotten a B+!

It was especially touching at one in the morning when she could barely pronounce 'statistics.'

And, Strangely Fulfilling.

I'm glad I was able to help a few people.

Be nice to your tutors etc, we'll remember.

The Cliche Fantasy

When your hormones rage, who knows what you think about.

Sex...

And....sex.

dirty- talkin- feels- just- like- it- should SEX.

Ok, maybe you do know.

How about those Cliche Fantasies?

C'mon, we all have em, we've all heard of em, seen em on TV etcetc

I must admit, sometimes they get to me.

Here are some of my faves . . .

The Hot Delivery Man - the milkman, mailman, UPS guy, FedEx guy, DHL guy, etcetc - I've got a special delivery for you!

The Hot Maintenance Man - found in your office and/or apartment building - I need my plumbing looked at...

The Boss - Power Trip - I'll show you who's really in charge!

The Co-Worker - Naughty Trip, time to keep a dirty secret!

The Cute Police Officer that pulls you over (or any man in uniform - RAWR) - But Officer, there must be someway I can make it up...

Lately it's been The Hot Maintenance Man Fantasy that's grabbed me.

I run into him on occasion, but not nearly enough...

It'd be nice to go home for lunch....

Are you going to meet me there?

Sure...OK, be ready for...

*Pot Roast & SEX*

yum.

I open my door to a naked man on the couch and lunch on the table.

How nice would that be?!

Maybe he could keep his toolbelt on...

I need to find something that needs a fixin in my apartment...other than this ache in my loins
(lol did you really just say that, pi?!)

What kinds of little cliche fantasies do you use to escape during the day?

Best of The Pi

Well, some of my faves anyway, by month, from the last year. . .

Adventures of a Cubemonkey has been up and running for a year!

amazing. you like me, you really like me! (tear)

December 2005

My First Frenchie A curiousity begins...

January 2006

Grease me up Scotty, I'm going in! I was totally being bitchy/weird.
Scrotum Harness a fascination of mine...
One time at the Bar . . . Infamous nights...

February 2006

Remember Captain Planet?
My Birthday!
RS&H Ctd Infamous nights...

March 2006

Ultimate in Boredom seriously bored.

April 2006

The Odorous Bunch

May 2006

Dating a Metro?
I Blame the Taco Infamous nights...
Yes We're Laughing at You!

June 2006

The Cost of Evil: $3.09 Infamous nights...again!

July 2006

Highway Buddies
We Need to Talk Infamous nights...and again...
Pi's a NERD Part I An epic tale of my nerdery.

August 2006

Pi's a NERD Part II
Pi's a NERD Part III
Time to Whore it up! (My unveiling...I finally decided to put up pictures of myself!)

September 2006

Car Dancer
Bummin Around
Night Rider (my 25peeps debut)

October 2006

I went to Vancouver! Pics pics and more pics here here and here
Jalapeno Canadian I also hold the title of Deputy Spork Minister.

November 2006

Keep your ear to yourself?
I'm out of my mind I Martha'd out.

Holishit this link stuff takes longer than my usual coloring!

I've learned alot in my first year of blogging, like how nerdy I can be and how many others out there can match it!

A special thanks to all that link me and all my faves for keeping me entertained!

I'd like to travel more and visit you! so let me know where i have a free place to stay...

And I WILL go back to Vancouver in the next 6 months...

Keyword Activity...

Cuz I'm bored.
I forgot last week.
And they're funny:

1. spicy little pie I'm famous.
   
2. nipple hair or rachel ray's face lol someone saw that episode
   
3. toothpaste for dinner monkey
4. antoine boveua who?
   
5. perverted ornaments hehe have some of these on my tree
   
6. wooden testicle restraint weirdo.
   

lol wow.

again, only high-quality content here at the cubicle!

Belated Birthday!

I've been so damn busy lately that my First Blog Birthday came and went I only just noticed!

Alas, the busy-ness continues and The Best Of Cubemonkey Adventures will be up sometime this week!

Stupid work.

Always getting in the way.

Completely unrelated, I met another Des Moines Area blogger over the weekend!

I used to read him all the time, and I once saw him at The Garden...but I wasn't sure it was him...

He said it prolly was.

He's friends with commenter krissi, which is how she found her way here.

Anyway it was Matt of chip-chat.

We got a little drunk, danced a little funny and a good time was had by all.

Here he is totally blasted. I couldn't quite get the red-eye removal thingy to work on his left eye, when it did, it gave him this really creepy look, so I left it...

Crazy how all this blog shit ties people together, isn't it?

hmmm I feel a list coming on...

I also ran into a co-worker that had just come from a Sweater Party.

This must be a new thing, cuz I've never heard of it.

Basically you wear the ugliest sweater you can find to the party.

Here's everyone's favorite Star Trek TNG star, Wil Wheaton in a hideous sweater.

The pain on his face reflects my reaction...

Time for a trip to Goodwill!

In other Spicy News, there's been a man-explosion!

Time to make some Dating Rules . . .

Any suggestions?!